A Nose Closer To 30

(PICTURE: How does he keep track of them all?)

Happy Birthday, Bier. You're a nose closer to thirty.  Maybe we should get girlfriends this year?

In other more exciting news, I think I'm back to my normal sleeping pattern since I woke up this morning at 6:24AM. I'm not totally sure if my body got all the sleep it needed or if my neighbor's dozen chickens woke me up. Yes, my neighbor has a chicken coop on his roof. Avian flu anyone?

Love Ain't Easy

 (PICTURE: Ryan explaining to me that he'll "shoot anyone who comes between us.")

This is going to be a short entry because my heart is heavy. After nearly six weeks, Ryan and I have broken up. The song, "Leaving On A Jet Plan" has been playing in a loop in my head ever since 6PM this evening when Ryan got into a taxi to head to the airport for his flight back to Saigon.  I feel like history is repeating itself--this feels just like senior year in high school when Fischgrund and I broke up because I was going away to school. Well, Ryan is going away to school -- to teach -- and the distance is just too great to stay in this monogamous relationship. Sorry, Ry, but I've got to spread my wings and fly. 

That said, it's been a great month and a half hanging out with Ryan. The highest compliment I can bestow on a person is to say that, "he's a good guy." Well, Ryan is a really good guy. 

In other more fun news:

1. I saw a 60 year old Vietnamese man with a blonde toupe. 

2. Today is Vietnamese Independence Day (i.e. We kicked Americas ass day) and to celebrate they have monkeys and Vietnamese Girls roller skating in the Old Quarter. Yes, roller skating. I know, what you're thinking: "It's 2008, get a pair of freaking roller blades."

3. Today while practicing badminton I met some local girls who are friends with my new friend Christina. One of the girls, Lan, wants me to help teach her English. She just wrote me these text messages:

LAN: Hi.

BEN: Hi, Lan.

LAN: I'm onlie.Do you onlie?Nick name: (will leave this out so you ahoy hanoi stalkers can't find her)

BEN: Sorry, I don't online.

LAN: I want to you help learn english.

BEN: Sounds good. You can help me learn Vietnamese.

LAN: When you free time?I'm help you speak vietnamese.

BEN: I have a friend in town. Maybe next week. 

LAN: Do you get up?

BEN: I'm not sure what you mean.

LAN: I don't understandble you.

I decided to stop texting back for the night. 

Jenny's Journey

(PICTURE: Joy riding in Ha Noi at 2:40AM)

When I was a kid I had a computer game for my Apple IIe called, "Jenny's Journey." The game was really simple: Jenny needed to get to X place in town and you had to give her directions based on a map. Well, I rocked the game and grew up with an uncanny sense of direction. If only Mom and Dad had bought me another Apple IIe game called, "Vu's Vietnamese Lessons" I'd actually be able to talk to a pharmacist and say, "I have a very red and irritated diaper rash." 

Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, in general I have a very good sense of direction. Last night this came into play. Here's the cliff notes version of what happened (for the long, Asian slanted version go read Song's blog):

After a long night out a bunch of us left a French ex-pat party to go to a late night bar/club/lounge called Solace. Five of us were in a cab, two were on motorbikes and one was on a bicycle. The one on the bicycle was Ryan. This was a bad idea since:

a) A bicycle is much slower than a car and a motorbike

b) Ryan doesn't know Doi Can from Han Phu from Ba Ding street or any other street in Ha Noi.

c) Despite a genius plan of Ryan following a motorbike, the motorbike took off without him.

d) We were in a part of town very far from anywhere Ryan had ever been. 

It only took two minutes for Ryan to be separated from the pack and then two hours to figure out a plan to get him home. The plan--I believe it was plan D-- involved me riding the bike home at 2:30AM while Song and Ryan enjoyed the rain-free luxury of a taxi. There were a few problems with this plan too: 

a) The aforementioned rain.

b) The map I took from the cab driver was torn exactly on the route I needed to go.

c)  The only vehicles on the road late at night are GIANT construction trucks.

d) The fact that I was wearing A BLACK SHIRT and DARK JEANS and the bike HAD NO LIGHT made me a tad invisible to those trucks mentioned in C.

e) The pot holes that line the streets here were filled with that rain I keep talking about so I really couldn't see them. 

Well, those are the first five problems. The good news was:

a) My late night bike riding practice in Santa Monica prepared me for this journey.

b) My map skills that I bragged about at the beginning of this email were in full effect. 

c) I could hear the big trucks coming so I would casually ride over near the sidewalk and wait for them to rumble by. 

d) I got out of paying any part of the HUGE taxi fare that was accumulated do to two hours of dropping people off at Solace/looking for Ryan/trying to get Ryan home, etc. 

As they say, alls well that ends well. (although I'm not sure how happy Christine, the bike owner, is going to be when she finds out she has come crosstown to get her bike). 

Finally, I want to give a big ahoyhanoi happy birthday shout-out to the mother of my niece. Happy Birthday, Kathy!!!!

 

Turn Down The AC!

 (PICTURE: Guards in front of Uncle Ho's Mausoleum. No, these guys weren't saluting because it's part of their job, they were saluting because they are big "ahoy hanoi" readers. The third one down on the left recognized me right away and challenged me to Connect Four tonight.) 

This morning we went inside that giant concrete building and checked out Uncle Ho in his glass resting case. A few casual observations:

1. It was the most air-conditioned room in all of Asia. It was freaking freezing in there. 

2. There was a special step-stool around the case for little children; and there were a lot of little children on school trips checking out UH. 

3. I think I can get one of the Guards' uniforms copied in Hoi An for about $40 (depending on whether I want to step up to a nicer material).

4. It seemed a little tacky but they were playing Queen's "We Are The Champions" on a loop inside the mausoleum. 

5. Despite, every guide book saying Uncle Ho looks like wax, I thought he looked like a really old dead guy in glass. 

It Takes A Big Man To Play Basketball And Checkers

(PICTURE: Some random dude who looks like Chris Place. I forgot my camera --aka didn't want to ride my motorbike with it-- so I stole this picture from this guy's blog. That's John McCain's flight suit in the glass case behind him)  

Yesterday I went to the "Ha Noi Hilton"--the place where John McCain spent 7 years during the Vietnam war-- and it turns out that it was called the Hilton not as a joke, but because these guys were kept in plush luxury. According to the photos at the museum -- and the Vietnamese Government would never slant anything -- these "prisoners" got to play basketball in the courtyard, checkers in their room, snack on almonds by the stockades and overall just get to chill out. Even solitary confinement was a breeze here since two people would get to share "the hole." Frankly, I'm decent at basketball (I can rebound), not too shabby at checkers, I love almonds, and hey, put me in the hole with a buddy of mine for a few days and we'll share laughs and stories without a problem.  What I'm trying to say is, I'd really appreciate it if everyone could start referring to me as an, "American Hero."

Yes, I'm bitter that my guts telling me that somehow the Republicans are going to win in '08. 

In other exciting news, I finally have mastered how to say, "I'm an English Teacher here in Vietnam and those two are tourists. They buy. I don't." This comes in handy whenever Ryan, Steve and I are approached by annoying, haggling street vendors. 

No Red-Heads In 'Nam

(PICTURE: Brett busy reading my blog at work)

Despite having been in Asia for two months, I'm still not over the feeling that people look at me as if I have three heads whenever I walk down the street. People still turn in wonderment, children still yell out "hello" followed by a giggle, and motorbike drivers --even if I'm standing next to my motorbike holding a helmet-- ask me if I need a ride. 

That said, I was thinking yesterday: "If they think I'm a freak, I wonder how they would react to a pale red-head." Just like birds in Guangzhou, I haven't seen a red-head in 'Nam yet. They just don't exist. Nada. Zilch. None.  Speaking of red-heads, I wanted to give a shout out to my favorite one-- Happy Birthday, Brett!

In other news, I was told the other night that during the rainy season my alleyway floods about two feet high. Thank goodness my room is on the second floor! 

Motorbikes and Massages

(PICTURE: Me on my bike in Da Nang) 

This morning I bought two helmets: one for me and one for you. Yup, you, my future visitor. One helmet is maroon and the other is black. You can choose which you want. 

After purchasing the helmets, Steve, Ryan and I drove around Ha Noi for a few hours. I thought the best way to get used to the city was just to get lost in it. We ended up going around the largest lake in Ha Noi and finding a great breakfast spot for American breakfast. On the way back towards my house I nearly got into my first accident. I was making a right turn and some punk and his girlfriend/sister was making a left onto the street I was on. We both slammed on our brakes, smiled at each other and drove off. We were probably lucky not to hit each other but even if we did I would have been fine with my new solid Honda bike helmet. 

This afternoon we all decided to get massages. We went to a  place called, "Just Massages" in some alley in my neighborhood. It's a pretty famous place because it gives seeing impaired people jobs as masseuses. This may sound familiar since I blogged in Shanghai about a famous "blind masseuse." Well, apparently they are everywhere and I'm 99% sure that none of the employees are actually blind. Okay, that's not totally true since when I was waiting for my massage in the lobby a woman literally walked into me and slammed her elbow into my head. Standing behind her was some guy who motioned to me that she couldn't see. That said, the guy who gave me a massage (yes, a guy...no jokes Hannah) had perfect vision. He also had a love of dishing out pain. I asked for a shiatsu massage rather than a Swedish one because my back has been killing me. Well the guy proceeded to torture me for an hour. Some of the worst moments were when:

a) he pulled my hair for literally 10 minutes

b) he punched me in the back about fifty times

c) he gave me an indian burn on my ears

d) he found/pushed/elbowed every pressure point in my body

e) he gave each one of my fingers an indian burn

f) he pushed my eye-sockets backwards

g) he stretched me in positions that even yoga masters couldn't do

Anyway, I'm 99% sure I'm going to have a dozen black and blue marks tomorrow but my back is actually feeling pretty good. 

Off to dinner in a bit...

The Tickle Bug

(PHOTO: Ryan and I introducing Hien to the tickle bug)

I awoke yesterday morning with a text message from Hien: "I miss traveling." Well, Ryan and I miss having Hien traveling with us...and not just because she translates everything for us. 

Motorbike, Happy Birthday and Congratulations...

(PICTURE: Ryan and Steve -- yes, he is always shirtless -- in my room prior to buying my new, slightly less ugly sheets)

After much deliberation and many different opinions, I've decided to rent a motorbike for the month before buying one. A lot of locals last night were encouraging me to buy this old Belarus bike called a Minsk. Apparently any mechanic can repair them and they are also dirt cheap. That said, I've been riding around Vietnam on Honda Waves for the last couple weeks. The Wave is light, easy to ride and is probably the most popular bike in Vietnam which means it can also be fixed by any mechanic. It also makes me look pretty damn awesome. 

Steve also decided to rent a bike for the month and he too got a wave. Upon leaving the rental place Steve wasted no time in getting into an accident...with a parked motorbike. I picked up Pallavi (my new flatmate) and drove the two of us back to our house. I quickly realized that driving two people is WAY harder than just driving one. I switched the bike into third gear, dodged thousands of cars and other motorbikes and somehow made it back to the place without a scratch. I figure if I can survive driving in the worst part of town (the Old Quarter) with someone on my bike, during rush hour, I'll be okay.  Oh, Steve and the bike are fine for those who care.

Just want to wish Alex a happy birthday. Welcome to old age, my friend. We're almost at that age where one might grow some grey hairs...

That said, our good buddy Jed decided to upstage our birthdays by proposing last night to his long time girlfriend and fellow Orange Lena. For some reason she accepted. I have a big suspicion that she thinks lastnightsgarbage.com is going to be the next google and is trying to get in on that. Anyway, congrats Jed and Lena! 

Ahoy Hanoi!

 84 days, 4 countries, over two dozen cities, countless sketchy meals, two heat rashes, one haircut, twice being called an Osama Bin Laden look-a-like, 10 brushes with death along Vietnamese and Cambodian roads, multiple shark sightings, over fifty hours on buses, a baker's dozen flights, countless new friends, a new cell phone, four potential future Mrs. Augusts, 60+ blog entries, two private karaoke sessions, one eaten goat's brain, one eaten bat, 9 eaten frogs, a billion red hot chilis, 10+ hours of Vietnamese classes, 30+ hours of teaching Vietnamese kids, one night sleeping on bamboo above jumping fish, one dog bite, one soccer match, 14 mosquito bites (with no malaria pills), two cockroaches landing in my hair, two nights of sleeping on a filthy bus (including last night when a woman literally had her kid take a whiz on the floor under my bed), 1+ containers of Gold Bond, twice being caught in a monsoon while on motorbikes, miles of walking with a 80+ pounds of luggage, 6 read books, one heartbreaking hockey playoff series, a trimester for Kathy and Zev, one de-plucked chicken, one free ride in Beijing from a stranger I met on a plane, a hundred offers of drugs and sex on the streets, one world championship of Ping Pong, one new suit, 50+ comments on my blog from my  mother, over a thousand emails from friends (and dozens of offers from strangers who want me to buy Viagra), 1500 photographs, two new pants, four new shirts, one awkward date, three days of scuba diving, and one birthday later, I'm officially in Hanoi. Ahoy Hanoi! 

Steve Is A Much Better Blogger Than Me

I shouldn't have given out Steve's blog site since he's clearly a better blogger than I am. He updates his blog every single day, has more pictures than I do and even stole my #1 fan--my mother. My mom emailed me this morning raving about Steve's blog. What the hell! 

For those of you who haven't seen this picture yet on Steve's blog, this is from last night. Steve said hi to a few girls while we were walking along the Perfume River and then I began to practice my Vietnamese with them. They barely spoke English and we barely speak Vietnamese so it made for a really fascinating conversation. Mid "conversation" I interrupted one of the girls and said, "WHOOOAAAH! Does you're shirt say 'I love cumming?'" Indeed that is what the shirt said.  The girl didn't understand my question and frankly had no idea that her shirt was a lude, sexual reference. We asked to take pictures with her and she was more than happy to oblige thinking her shirt just said something really really clever. Anyway, we had to quickly leave the girls to meet some British girls for dinner (yeah, I know, boring. Who hangs out with Brits while in Asia?). We said goodbye to the four locals and did what any rational man would do after meeting a girl who wears a "I Love Cumming" shirt--we asked her and her friends to coffee today.

Besides being an utterly ridiculous story, this just goes to illustrate my point from the previous blog that some people out here can speak English but can't read or write. In this case, the girl couldn't speak, read or write. 

The Future Mrs. August III: My First Date

(PICTURE: Thuy cutting right to the chase)

It finally happened--I had my first date with a local girl. I met Thuy where I usually meet girls --not the internet -- at a tailor shop. She asked me to buy a suit and I said, "no. I just want a shirt." Behind her look of disappointment was something else, the look of love at first site. 

Thuy is a sweet 26 year old girl whose family owns Peace tailor shop in Hoi An. Immediately upon her measuring me with a ruler I knew I would eventually have to ask her out; she was the first girl ever to look impressed after holding a ruler up to me. 

Despite only ordering a couple t-shirts from the tailor shop, I kept finding myself meandering into the store to talk to Thuy and her sisters/cousins. In between the girls asking me over and over to order a suit, I found out that Thuy was single. I also found out a few other things from her cousin:

1. Her cousin dated her now husband for 2 1/2 months before she kissed him. 

2. Her cousin didn't sleep with her husband until they were married. 

3. Most girls, at least the girls in the shop and some others I've talked to, have only had one boyfriend their whole lives. They meet someone, date them and marry them. No playing the field.

4. Thuy has NEVER had a boyfriend which probably means she's never kissed a guy. AWESOME!

Thuy asked to look at my cell phone and I told her to take my number. She immediately called me so I would have her number too and then I promptly texted her, "What time should we come over for dinner with your family?" Thuy thought it was funny (and probably weird) and wrote me back an hour later, "Sorry my mum busy." I then saw my golden opportunity and asked her to breakfast.  Game on! 

The next morning I woke up at 5AM feeling excited about my date...and since I've been waking up at 5AM every day for some reason. I had time to burn so I went online to see what the Bruins score was...and it wasn't good. By the time I was ready to leave for my date the Bruins had lost 5-0. It was probably a sign that it was going to be a rough morning. 

I picked Thuy up at her shop and we walked next door to a cafe so we could be near the store if her cousins/sisters need her. Thuy started to look at the menu and said to me, "This is the first time I ever eat a Western breakfast." This may seems shocking but really the more you travel in Vietnam outside of the major cities the more you realize every hotel and bar is basically for tourists only. It also wasn't shocking since Thuy has never left a 20 mile radius of her home. Yes, the farthest she has ever gone IN HER LIFE was to Da Nang just thirty kilometers north. (This is amazing to me and is very very common here. Kalak, see "The Future Mrs. August II" had never been to the bottom of the mountain she lived on!). Well, I told Thuy we could go somewhere else if she wanted but she wanted to try the breakfast. In truth I was slightly disappointed because I already prefer eating beef pho for breakfast than traditional American breakfast. Anyway, I started to skim through the menu when I noticed that Thuy wasn't really looking at her menu. It then occurred to me--she can't read. Like many people who deal with tourists in Asia, Thuy can speak quite well but can't read a word. I then promptly began to read her some breakfast choices and she told me to "choose for her." I ordered two different types of omelets that both sounded good to me...and I thought she might like. 

As we waited for the food and I began to sip on a carbonated water (they brought me the wrong drink but I didn't want to complain) I saw Thuy's cousin run out from the shop and frantically wave over at us. I pointed out her cousin to Thuy and she told me she'd be right back. She got up from the table and sprinted over to Peace. I waited patiently for her to come back...and then waited some more...and then some more...and then some more. About ten minutes passed before I thought, "This couldn't be any worse." Well just then this drunk a-hole strolls into the cafe, sits down with some friends and basically screams, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. MY TEAM JUST WON GAME 7." The dick was a Montreal Canadians fan. I then had to listen as he recapped the whole series to his friends who clearly couldn't care. It was torture. What was even more torturous was that the food arrived and I was starving. I tried to wait for Thuy but my stomach was growling and I wasn't sure if she was coming back. So I did what any gentleman would do--I cut both our omelets in half and split them on the plates. I figured Thuy would want to try both omelets...and I really wanted some of each.  After staring at the food for another few minutes I texted Ryan who was nearby making a call to his parents: "Want an omelet? I have an extra." Ryan didn't write back so I started to eat. I finished my plate and was about to eat Thuy's too when she ran out of the shop and back to the cafe. She apologized, sat down, and with a look of utter confusion/puzzlement/wonder looked at her plate and inspected the two omelets as if there were some strange foreign substance in front of her. Her expression was how I felt I looked whenever I saw cockroaches on sticks on China. Thuy stabbed the omelet with a knife, tasted a tiny little piece and said to me, "You can have half of mine." She gave me the mushroom and cheese omelet and told me, "This one would make me fat." Man, girls are the same everywhere. 

Shop Till You Drop!

(PICTURE: Getting my foot measured for my custom made shoes.)

Two nights ago Ryan, Steve and I took an eleven hour sleeping bus from Nha Trang to Hoi An. I use the word "sleeping" very loosely when talking about the bus since we were jostled back and forth at every turn and the bus honked its ear-drum shattering horn every time it passed a motorbike or car. After stealing a few hours of sleep we arrived in Hoi An at 6AM and checked into the first hotel that we were harassed to stay at.

Hoi An is a really small city but packed within it are over 400 tailor shops. Basically you can walk into any shop, point at a picture from a magazine and the tailor will make you an exact copy with whatever fabric you choose. Because this is my birthday week (and I'm going to need some nice clothes to teach in) I decided to splurge and gave myself a budget of $250. Well, $250 goes a long way and thus far I've bought:

1. A brand new suit and shirt

2. Linen Pants. Yeah, I don't know why since I've never liked or owned linen pants.

3. Two shirts in the style of my favorite button down shirt (two big breast pockets and lapels)

4. Handmade black dress moccasins.

5. A pair or slacks. 

Well, shopping is exhausting. I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about all these years. Somehow I managed to stay awake the hole day but not everyone was as fortunate. At dinner Song began to nod off and had to take a walk. The fresh river air didn't wake him up because when we went to drinks he proceeded to pass out every ten seconds. I've got about ten videos of him nodding off but unfortunately whenever I try and upload them some message comes up in Vietnamese. The only words I recognize are the first two, "Xin Loi." It means sorry. Clearly something isn't working with the video. Hopefully I can figure out the problem so everyone can enjoy me dancing over a sleeping Song. 

Off to pick up some clothes! 

My Mule

 (PICTURE: Song wearing the bare essentials)

Steve Song arrived yesterday. Steve (MPE '90, MPMS '93, LHS '97, Columbia '01) is a childhood friend of mine who quit his job and started a blog. Yes, I am his role model. For those of you who wish to read another perspective of 'Nam over the next month while he's here, please go to: www.songeruncensored.blogspot.com 

But who the hell cares about Steve Song? What's important is that my mother filled his bag with pills and powder for him to take over to Vietnam for me. Yup, that's right, he's my mule. 

Mom sent over the Costco sized Gold Bond along with two bottles of ADVANCED Immodium AD. It's what us pro's use. My butt should be well protected for the next few months until my next mule/visitor arrives. 

Off to Hoi An. 

Oh, GAME 7!!! Let's go Boston!!!

Breakfast

For those of you who didn't believe item 7d on the last post, this is a picture of Lee after he shot the bat with his slingshot. The picture is blurry but you get the point. 

And yes, it was delicious. 

And no, I don't know if it had rabies. 

The Country

(PICTURE: Just another day plucking chickens...)

BEST DAY AND A HALF OF MY TRIP. 

I arranged to meet Hien and Ryan in Nha Trang, Vietnam's major beach town, this past weekend. Of course I wanted to see them but really I just wanted to meet Hien's Dad who lives out in the country. The trip could not have been more memorable. Here are the highlights:

1. After much argument Ryan and I convinced Hien to let us rent our own motorbikes for the drive. I practiced riding in the alley of my hotel for about five minutes before I said, "screw it" and jumped in to the streets. Within the first thirty seconds I had a near accident with a bicycle rider who made a left turn directly into my lane. Despite having never driven a car with gears, let alone a motorbike, I did a pretty good job. 

2. After Hien and her cousin Lee (it's a nickname which means hard-headed) met us at the hotel, we took off for the 70km ride to meet her dad...we got about 1/2 a kilometer before Ryan turned to me and said, "I really need to fill up with gas." Five seconds later I turned to look at Ryan but only saw him in my rear-view mirror--his bike had run out of gas. 

3. After filling up with gas we hit the road again. Within fifteen minutes we were on a major highway headed towards distant mountains. Highway driving was easy except when a giant truck/bus/van/etc. would come up behind you blaring it's horn (it's the law here to honk your horn when passing motorbikes) or even worse, when a giant truck/bus/van/etc. would come right at you in a traditional game of chicken. 

4. We finally turned off the highway and drove through country roads...and then turned on to even more country roads...and then onto even more country roads.  We passed rice fields and sugar cane plantations and occasionally schools where children would run out and yell, "hello!!!" Slowly the paved roads became less paved until they were merely dirt roads lined with bumps, pot holes and cow feces.  Eventually we arrived at Hien's Dad's house. Now when I say house I really mean a bamboo dwelling built over a large pond.  You see, Hien's father retired a few years ago and lives in this structure raising fish. The house was half Robinson Crusoe and half the fort Mike Levy and I built in my backyard as a child. The place had no power outside of a battery that hooked up to lights, no toilet, and well, no real floor. The fish would literally jump up underneath you while you sat/slept. 

5. This trip was really special for Hien too because she doesn't get to go home very often and see her father. Usually when she comes to Nha Trang she has to babysit her students and doesn't get the chance to venture off to the country. Ryan and I aren't like her usual students and wanted to the country to be our trip. Hien was more than happy to oblige. She phoned her father the day before we took the trip and he was extremely excited. He told her, "he wouldn't be able to sleep that night (except of course in Vietnamese)." Hien's Dad was amazing and completely welcomed us into his home. He immediately offered me the best seat in the house--a lawn chair. He also shoved his hunting rifle into Ryan's and my hands and had us play with it. (no shots were fired from the gun, just from my camera). 

6. The trip was only supposed to be a day trip. However, it began to rain in the late afternoon and Hien informed us that, "if it rains a lot we can't go back. The river will flood." Well, it didn't stop raining so we slept at the house. It was my first time: a) sleeping on bamboo b) sleeping above thousands of fish when not in a boat c) sleeping with a mosquito net. Despite all that, I got eight hours of sleep which is by far the most I've gotten since my travels began. 

7. The absolute highlight of the trip was the eating. Besides a few vegetables and a little meat Hien bought at the market, every meal consisted of things found around the house. This included:

a) Fish caught in the pond. 

b) Sugar cane cut from the surrounding grass.

c) Frogs snatched mid-jump.

d) A bat Lee shot with a sling shot. Yes, a bat. 

e) One of the chicken's Hien's dad was raising in the backyard.

To sum up point "E": Ryan casually asked if we could eat a chicken for dinner. Hien then asked her father who promptly walked into the "backyard" and grabbed a chicken. Like a pro, he cut the chicken's throat (plenty of picture of this that might be too graphic for some of my loyal ahoyhanoi viewers) and held her down so she wouldn't "run around like a chicken with its head cut off."  Hien then placed the chicken into a bowl and poured boiling hot water on to it to help the plucking process. Well, the boiling hot water works because the chicken was quite easy to pluck. I should know since I plucked about 25% of it. Yup, that's a first for me....

My Driver

(PICTURE: My "Easy Rider" driver)

As I mentioned, yesterday I took a day long motorbike tour with this company called "Easy Rider" (They named themselves after the classic movie). Well, my ride wasn't so easy post lunch following this conversation:

Ben: So how long have you been an easy rider?

Hung: Seven years.

Ben: What were you doing before that?

Hung: I was teaching in high school. Mathematics. Eight years. But boring. 

Ben: So you became an easy rider after that?

Hung: No. I was taxi driver. But I got in accident and killed a man. So I become a motorbike driver. Lets go...

And then we got on his bike and rode off. 

Da Lat

(PICTURE: The Future Mrs. August?)

Lana in Cambodia has a new rival. Mom, Dad meet Kalak. I met Kalak today on my bike tour of Da Lat. One of our many stops was a minority village (there are something like 70 minority tribes in Vietnam. I don't have my guide book with me but that number sounds vaguely familiar) and I was given a private tour by Kalak. Not only was she cute and sweet but she spoke English really well (learned just from tourists) and had a great sense of humor.

From talking with her I found out that she's the fourth of seven daughters in her family. Her three older sisters have gotten married already which means she's next. She told me that women in her tribe need to give a dowry of 6 buffalo, twenty scarves and something else ridiculous to the future husband's family. I asked if she knew who she was going to marry and she told me this: "No. If I buy the buffalo I get to choose my husband. If my parents buy the buffalo they get to choose." For those of you who are curious, she currently has bought three buffaloes for herself. A buffalo costs roughly $350. That's an insane amount of money for anyone in Vietnam and especially for people in her village. So, if we all chip in a few bucks we could help contribute to Kalak's future happiness. Oh, FYI, Kalak also hinted to me that her friend from the village married a tourist and now lives in Seattle. Zev, how would Rocky and Bella like to have some buffalo to play with in your back yard?

Good, Bad and Worse News

The Good News: I didn't have to ride the awkward sleeping bus from Mui Ne to Da Lat today.

The Bad News: The girl in front of me on the bus got car sick and puked into a bag.

The Worse News: The bag broke and splashed on to my foot.

Mui Ne

(PICTURE: The Sleeper Bus)

I'm sitting in a travel agency/internet shack in Mui Ne typing on a computer, circa 1985, that may actually be my family's Apple IIe with a Dell sticker taped on to it.

The lesson of this blog is that sometimes it pays to listen to the guide books. Yesterday I booked an "Open Tour" from Saigon to Hanoi. Basically, I paid $31 and can get on and off a bus from city to city. Lonely Planet suggested using a company called Sinh Cafe. I went over to the Sinh Cafe office and it was over flowing with Westerners. It just seemed like anyone with a guide book was here, booking their tickets. I grabbed a brochure and quickly skimmed through it. Moments earlier I had passed another travel agency called Hanh Cafe. Outside of the office was a brand new double-decker couch bus and each seat looked like it reclined into a bed. Inside the office were Asians, and Asians only. Being the adventurer/idiot I am, I decided to book an open tour with Hanh.

That night I told Hien about my decision and how the bus influenced my choice. I said how there were two overnight trips on the bus and I thought it would be much more comfortable sleeping on this luxury coach then the Sinh Cafe standard bus. Hien looked at me and said, "Those beds are made for Vietnamese people." Hien's words could not have been truer. Yesterday morning I boarded the bus and quickly realized two things:
1. The bus was not a double decker but merely a very tall bus with three rows of bunk beds.
2. I don't even come close to fitting into my chair. To recline, I have to basically lay with my knees straight in the air or my head hanging over the end of the chair onto the feet of the person sleeping behind me. Yes, this would be much easier to understand if I had a picture (which I have plenty of) but sadly my Apple IIe from 1985 doesn't have a USB port.

Five hours and multiple stiff muscles later the bus arrived in Mui Ne. This beach side resort is famous for its white sand dunes and gorgeous beaches. I had made a reservation at a Lonely Planet suggested hotel two days ago that is a bungalow right on the beach. I showed up at the hotel, towing all my bags for the first time in a month, and was told that there were no rooms availabe. To quote Seinfeld, "They know how to take the reservation but they don't know how to keep the reservation. Anyone can take a reservation. The hard part is to keep the reservation." The owner of the hotel suggested I go across the street and check into his hotel today. Luckily the guest house had rooms...which isn't that surprising since it's the ONLY hotel not on the beach.

That said, it's quite beautiful here despite a lot of garbage on the beach. I went swimming yesterday and saw this ominous white object swimming up to me. My first thought was that it was a large jellyfish. Turns out it was just a white plastic bag. I'm not sure which is worse.

Last night I went to a Vietnamese BBQ restaurant. It was delicious and it gave me a great opportunity to practice my new Vietnamese skills. Trang, my waitress, looked at me funny when I asked her, "Ban ten gli?" (what is your name minus the accent marks). I repeated it multiple times. Turns out I was asking the question correctly but she was confused since she was wearing a large name tag.

Off to the beach and then to the sand dunes later this afternoon.

Ben

P.S. The Bruins got screwed in Game 2 against Montreal. I'm a bitter fan 10,000 miles away.

QUESTION: What do Yao Ming, Kobe Bryant, Osama bin Laden and Hitler Have In Common?

 (PICTURE: A belated -- and very odd -- picture from China)

Answer: You can buy a t-shirt with their picture on it in China. 

I took this picture a while ago but finally decided to post it after a conversation I had yesterday with my students. I've been quite lazy over the last weeks and haven't shaven which has grown a sort of beard--or as much as a beard as I can ever really grow--on my face. I asked my students whether or not they liked my beard. The answers were:

1. "You look handsome, sir."

2. "It is very dirty, sir."

3. "It is nice, sir."

4. "You look like (something not understandable), sir."

After the student said #4 all the other students started to laugh and agree. I asked who I looked like and they all started to say the same non understandable name. I asked who that person was and started to pick up clues. Clue #1: "Muslim." Clue #2: A hand gesture showing a big beard. Clue #3: Terrorist. 

Well, it turned out the students thought I looked like Osama bin Laden. Yeah, it may be time to shave.  

Karaoke: The Most Awkward Moment Ever

(PICTURE: Two of my favorite students getting their karaoke on)

Karaoke was amazing this morning. Basically how it works here (and in many places in the states) is you book a private room in a karaoke club and have waiters cater drinks and food to you. The room was about thirty feet deep with a giant horseshoe couch facing a television. Two microphones are attached to the TV with long wires that are passed to whoever is up to sing. 

As soon as we entered our room a few of our students broke out into Vietnamese pop songs. When they finished singing the karaoke program gave them a rating on the screen. We were told that if you got a 1oo you got a free prize. Well, the cool thing about being a teacher here is you can do no wrong. Despite winning the Mt. Pleasant Elementary School vocal music award in 5th Grade and singing in Carnegie Hall in 7th grade, I have one of the worst voices ever. Frankly I'm pretty sure I'm tone deaf--which on a side note makes learning Vietnamese that much harder. Well, to these kids I was Frank Sinatra. I picked up a mic and joined one of the students singing a Vietnamese song and the kids went crazy. Next Ryan and I sang Joan Jett's "I Love Rock And Roll" and had all the kids up and clapping. It was by far the closest I'll ever come to being a rock star. Even stranger than having people actually like hearing me sing was when the karaoke program gave us a score of 100. It was like winning both showcase showdowns. 

Well, everything was going great until the most awkward moment ever. Ryan and I had scouted the karaoke song book and pointed out a bunch of good songs to each other. Being from NJ I naturally pointed out that they had Springsteen. Specifically they had "Born in the USA." Not telling me, Ryan programmed the song in and in a few minutes it was our turn to sing. Immediately I knew this was going to be a very very bad song choice. For those of you who are confused why, it's probably because you never studied the lyrics to this classic song. Let me save you the google search and write down the first two stanzas:

"BORN DOWN IN A DEAD MAN'S TOWN

THE FIRST KICK I TOOK WAS WHEN I HIT THE GROUND

YOU END UP LIKE A DOG THAT'S BEEN BEAT TOO MUCH

TIL YOU SPEND HALF YOUR LIFE JUST COVERING UP

BORN IN THE USA (X 4)

(HERE IS WHERE THE PROBLEM IS)

I GOT IN A LITTLE HOMETOWN JAM

AND SO THEY PUT A RIFLE IN MY HANDS

SENT ME OFF TO VIETNAM

TO GO AND KILL THE YELLOW MAN."

Yes, the lyric is "TO GO AND KILL THE YELLOW MAN." Not exactly the line you want to be singing to a roomful of Vietnamese kids. 

Prior to that stanza all the kids were singing along with us and belting out the chorus. Then the words came on to the screen and Ryan and I looked at each other and completely froze. We just stopped singing as the words flashed across the screen. Luckily I don't really think anyone-- except one fellow American in the room--understood what was being sung. Regardless it made for one of the most, if not the most,  awkard moments ever....in the history of time. 

A Little Slice Of America

A couple of really quick anecdotes: 

1. Last night Ryan and I were mesmerizing the girls with tricks that fathers do to their children when they are 1-4 years old. The girls had never seen the tricks and were completely stunned. The first one that got them all excited was the classic dislodged thumb. I showed Au my two hands and removed my right thumb. She screamed out, "how'd you do that!"

My next trick was even better. I put my thumb between my index finger and middle finger and told Au that I took her nose. Au immediately grabbed her face looking for her nose. Yes, it's a "had to be there" moment but was hilarious. 

2. We just taught the girls about American cooking--we made them guacamole. They had never tasted, let alone heard of the dish. We decided to make it for them after I spotted some avocados at lunch yesterday. I asked the girls what they used them for and they said, "shakes." Yup, they drink avocado shakes here. I immediately ordered one and shared it with Ryan (that's what couples do) -- it was actually quite good. 

3. Last night was my final teaching night here in HCMC. After class the class pet came up to me and gave me a sealed envelope with a note inside (yes, the note will be posted but it's at the hotel at the moment). I felt really good that I had my first student with a crush on me...that is until Ryan told me he got the same note from the girl. 

I just took my Vietnamese language final and got a 99%. How, I don't know. I can speak about twenty words and understand about three...I'm really gonna make it out here...

My Class

Do I look like a giant in this picture? Well, I'm actually much taller than it appears. The boys in the back were all standing on their toes and attempting to push/pull me down at the same time.

Just to update everyone on the proposed picnic: turns out that the picnic was to leave at 7AM for an amusement park an hour or so away. Hien told me it was a bad idea since we'd have to get on the highway which isn't ideal for young motorbikers. With a little negotiation Hien managed to talk the class into going to karaoke instead. When they asked which I'd rather do I said, "Karaoke. This way we don't have to leave at 7AM." Linh, translating for the students then replyed, "Okay, you can karaoke at 10AM then." Apparently karaoke is a daytime, non drinking activity in HCMC. God help this place.

Connect Four III

(PICTURE: Someone please buy that giant Connect Four board for me!!!)

Yesterday I received this email: "hi how are you lop lop ben? i am sorry i not send you email trea she given your email but i lost and i just get from her today,did you like there?take care lop lop ben from lana." 

Two things you should know:

1. "Lop Lop" means "crazy in the head" in khmer. 

2. This email is from the bartender I beat on the first Connect Four night in Cambodia. 

So, I wrote her back this:

"Who are you calling lop lop? You're the craziest girl in all of Cambodia. I'm forever going to have nightmares about your arms flailing in the air and trying to strangle me every time I beat you in Connect Four.

I really like Vietnam so far. The food here is better than Cambodia. However, nobody plays Connect Four here! I want to get better so I can play you 1:1 next time..."

Then I got this email reply last night:

"only you lop lop no body our ok do not need to ask me who i call lop lop.if you siad vietnam better than cambodia i think you do not like come cambodia again. why there no have connect four?do not need to play more you are good already."

Mom & Dad, I'd like to introduce you to your future daughter-in-law. 

My New Best Friend In Vietnam

The one highlight from Sunday was that I made a new best friend--the girl in the picture. She is the daughter of the row boat captain (what is the term for a person who pushes you in a row boat?) and probably the cutest little kid I have ever seen. She and I played a Vietnamese version of paddy cake for about thirty minutes. I tried to teach her thumb wrestling but she wasn't going for it. Instead she was a big fan of shadow puppets. She was totally mesmerized by my thumb-locked bird.

I just want to give a quick happy birthday shout-out to my favorite people born on April 7th--Seth and Shaps! It's been too long since we celebrated a birthday in Madrid. Speaking of birthdays, I just found out that when you are born in Vietnam you are considered 1 year old. So, in Vietnam I'm 29, not 28. That means I'm about to have my thirtieth birthday in seventeen days. What the hell! Hannah thinks I'm in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. Well if she is right, this is going to spiral me down to a new level of freaking out. I have about a ten page rant about this that I'll save for a blog closer to my birthday when it has proper time to marinate in my brain.

The Mekong

(PICTURE: Sunrise on the Mekong)

This past weekend I went down to the Mekong Delta for some R&R. Joining me was the usual crew of Ryan and Hien; or as Hien likes to say with a giant smile, "The three wheels." You see, we had a huge lost in translation moment over the last couple weeks. Ryan and I jokingly told Hien that she was our third wheel. Hien thought this was a huge compliment and was boasting to her friends, "I'm the third wheel!" Luckily for Hien this weekend we had a fourth wheel. My friend Kevin Rodin from LA gave his buddy Ashton my email since he was in HCMC this week for work. After a couple quick emails I invited Ashton to join our mini adventure down the river.

Hien booked the trip and we set out early Saturday morning. The trip could be broken into two parts: The Good And The Bad.

The good: Saturday was a great day. We got down to the Mekong around eleven and jumped aboard the first of many boats. We set sail for a little village where they made fresh cocount products. Free samples were passed out all around which satisfied me on two levels: 1) I like food. 2) I'm cheap. After being given a tour we jumped back on the boat and headed for a long journey to a little island for lunch. After a delicious meal which consisted of some huge weird looking river fish, we divided into small group and were rowed down narrow channels back towards our awaiting boat. We took another cruise, hopped back on the bus and were dropped off in a little town to wait for a large boat which we'd be sleeping on that night. Long story short we eventually got onto a nice river boat and spent the evening sitting on a roof, sipping on bad Vietnamese wine and listening to different tourists sing with varying guitar/vocal skills. It was a great day.

The bad: Sunday I was awoken at around 5AM by Hien. I went to the roof only to discover that sunset was at least an hour away. Finally it came and I snapped away a whole bunch of pictures. After that we grabbed breakfast and got off the boat. At this point it was around 8AM and the highlights of the day were over. For the next thirteen hours we were taken to a few bad tourist spots (one pagoda that felt like a Disneyland reject, a "fish farm" that was merely a whole in the floor where a thousand fish struggled to fight each other for food while stuck in a net, and finally a Cham village which seemed to only consist of a dozen pre-teens begging us to buy waffles). After that we got back on our main boat and set sail....for 7 FREAKING HOURS!!! Yes, 7 hours. Way too long. When the boat finally docked we got onto our shuttle bus to go back to HCMC. That was a nice simple ride...just FOUR FREAKING HOURS!!! And if that wasn't bad enough, I had a broken chair the whole way back. The chair spring/shocks weren't working so every bump the shuttle hit sent my chair flying forward and backwards. And believe me, there were a lot of bumps in the road. Ryan said it best when we got back to HCMC, "I'd rather fly from the USA to Asia again then do what we did today." It was that painful.

Anyway, it's good to be back in HCMC. I just finished my class for the night and my kids officially love me. They each took pictures with me after class and pleaded with me to go to a picnic with them on Saturday. The picnic sounds fun but they want to go at 7AM! Who picnics at 7AM!

Porno Peddler To Parenthood

(PICTURE: My Niece!....Bier, stop staring at her chest!)

It's official, Zev and Kathy are having a GIRL!!!! I had a feeling they were going to have a girl and I couldn't be happier because this means I can hang on to my Jets ticket for a few more years. I know Dad is dying to give his first grandson one of our four cherished season tickets and since I'm the "son who abandoned" him it would most likely be my ticket in the enveloped at the kid's Bar Mitzvah.

I also have to say it is fitting Zev is going to have a daughter since he was the person who introduced me to Playboy. Oh sweet sweet karma. Zev told me on the phone last night that he's already filing papers to own a shotgun.

I plead with Zev again last night that he should have the kid in 'Nam. Dual citizenship would be awesome and could really help the baby get a college scholarship one day. Furthermore, you can't buy property here unless you're a citizen. Real estate is doubling every year all over Vietnam so we could buy up property through my little niece. It's a genius, flawless plan.

Gotta finish my lesson plan... Congrats to Zev and Kathy!

Breakfast At Tiffan-Au's...

(PICTURE: Yes, that's sweat)

Yesterday Au bragged twice that her father was the best cook in Ho Chi Minh City. Upon hearing this every sensory cell in my body perked up and I demanded she invite me over to her house.  Hien and Linh joked that to go over to a girl's house and eat with her family meant that you were going to get married to the girl. Well, that seemed like a small sacrifice to pay for the best food in all of 'Nam. That said, I got Ryan an invite too. I figured I could run faster than him in case Au's Dad demanded  a wedding on the spot. 

We made plans to eat this morning at 8am at Au's house. Well, last night I found out that we weren't exactly eating at Au's house--we were eating in front of Au's house at her Dad's pho stand. For those novice 'Namers out there I should explain something: Pho is the single biggest dish in Vietnam. It's a noodle soup that can be eaten for breakfast lunch or dinner. Pho is not taken lightly here so much so that it was one of the first vocab words we learned in our Vietnamese Language classes. 

To localize it to New York, think about it this way: Say you're a foreigner and arrive in the city and after a few days you meet someone who tells you their Dad makes the greatest pizza in all of the five boroughs. Actually that wouldn't even begin to emphasize the seriousness of pho. You would also have to include all the hot dog vendors in New York. I think you get it, pho is no joke here. 

Well, we showed up at the pho stand this morning and were greeted with a giant smile from Au's dad. However, I didn't come for the smile and handshake--I came to be fed. Within a minute bowls of steaming hot pho were placed down in front of us. I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and dug in. Before I came up for air, half my bowl was gone (and half the broth immediately evaporated through my skin and on to my t-shirt). The first words I said were, "Is it okay if I get a second bowl?" Au nodded yes and told her Dad to prepare another. Two minutes later a second bowl was placed in front of me. The pho stand assistant started to take my old bowl away but I quickly snatched it back; there was still some broth left in it. Once I downed the noodle scraps and left over broth, I dove head first into the second bowl. Four minutes later it joined the first bowl at the bottom of my gut. 

I think you get the point: THE PHO WAS AMAZING. Yes, amazing (a vocab word I taught in my class today). It was so amazing that I'm writing a letter to Lonely Planet to put the stand in the next edition of the book. For doing this I asked one small favor from Au's Dad--a lifetime of free noodles.  

Best Text Message Ever...

(PICTURE: The Best Text Ever...)

...but you have to read to the end of this entry to read it.

Ryan and I started practice teaching this week and it has been -- what's the word I'm looking for -- hilarious.

On Monday I was told that I would be teaching a class of advanced students and thus planned my lesson accordingly. Well, 5:30 rolled around and in marched my seven students (8 less than I was told would be there). I greeted the students and they replied back with, " ". Nope, I didn't forget to write what they said. They said nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Just empty blank stares. Well, using some August charm, I got them talking a little bit and quickly realized they were silent because they barely understood English. Advanced students my ass! And there went the lesson plan. Luckily I'm still extremely quick on my feet--despite the dozen pounds I've gained traveling--and was able to call an audible. I quickly simplified my lesson plan, got the class running and in the end we had a lot of fun. Plus, I think the kids learned a little which I guess is important.

Last night for class #2 I was much better prepared and before I knew it our hour and a half was up. Usually the classes take a break but we were coasting along and nobody wanted to stop. It was a pretty good class if I do say so myself. I even got three new students including one Chinese kid named Long. Long just moved to Vietnam and his English is far and away better than anyone else in the class. As everyone was leaving at 7pm he stuck around for a few minutes and asked to take a picture with me. I charged him $20,000 Dong (roughly $1.10) and gave a big smile.

After my class was over Ryan walked into the classroom to prepare for his beginner beginner class. As part of our training obligation we need to observe each other three times. I decided I'd stick around and watch him last night. Well, when his class rolled in, in walked Long.

After class was over Long stuck around again and asked Ryan and I to take a picture with him. I charged him $20,000 Dong again and Ryan, being jealous of my double earnings, charged $40,000 Dong (which in my opinion was very unprofessional of him). Long stuck around for a few more minutes to talk and then asked Ryan for his phone number. Twenty minutes later the best text message ever arrived. This is what it said:

"Nice to have known you,and ben.you and ben are the first American people I know.I like listening your class.I hope you can injure yourself in vietnam.if there is any chance,I wish you can go to china, I can play with you.give my best wish to your friend: happy birthday!"

In Long's defense, two hours later Ryan got this text message: "Sorry!just enjoy yourself in vietnam!not injure!:-("

Yeah, amazing.

I've got time for one other quick anecdote: Yesterday, Ryan began the class by asking the students, "Do you know what today is?" Blank stares all around. "Today is April 1st. It's called April Fool's Day in America." Blank stares all around. "It's the day we can do tricks on each other and it's okay." Blank stares...until one student peeped up, "Teacher, do a trick." Ryan had nothing. I laughed to myself and gave Ryan a look as he turned to the class and said, "Okay, moving on."