Grey Hairs

With love in the air this week I thought I'd post yet another video of Huyen and I. This is a glimpse of every day life in my "office." Whenever Huyen is over and I sit down at my computer to do some work, she comes up behind me and starts to pluck my grey hairs...with her fingers:




Consider this your warning visitors who happen to have grey hairs...

Michael and Kari

I woke up yesterday morning with an interesting email:

Subject: Crazy
From: Michael Levy
To: Ben August

Dude, I'm engaged...

Yes, this is pretty crazy. Michael and Kari reconnected at our ten year high school reunion....in November....of 2007. Yeah, that's right, seven months ago. Ever since Mike started talking to Kari again he's been crazy. And no, not the usually crazy-angry Mike but a good crazy-happy Mike. Every time I've talked to Mike since then he's been with Kari...even that time he told me, "Bro, I'm sooo busy with med-school work I can't possibly come to NYC to see you before you go to 'Nam." Yeah, that time he was with Kari too...and I can only assume giving her some kind of medical exam because my oldest friends in the world would never lie to me!

Anyway, I'm really excited for you guys. Kari I hope you're prepared to:
1. Eat Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches the rest of your life.
2. To either never eat crust again or to finish all of Michael's crust.
3. To build a lot of forts in the woods.
4. To get irrationally angry from time to time. i.e. You carpool to an event and don't get dropped off first.
5. To go bowling once a week.
6. To have your children speak two languages: a) English b) Lebowski
7. To eat Mark Burger's whenever you go to Borden place.
8. Never go to a professional hockey game without Michael crying first (Yeah, Mike, my dad is still pissed)
9. To make fake id's when your kids go to college.
10. To wake up to that grin every morning for the rest of your life. Yeah, the same one in the picture above.

Congrats, guys! Now please plan the wedding date around my quarter life crisis.

The Augusts Are Coming! The Augusts Are Coming!

(PICTURE: The next time we'll beat eating in a restaurant together the restaurant most likely won't have windows, walls, a floor that isn't the sidewalk, plants, sterile cups, clean silverware, ketchup, padded seats, customers wearing baseball hats, or well, other white people.)

The Vietnamese Paul Revere just rode by my window on a motorbike screaming, "The Augusts Are Coming!!!"

That's right, Mom and Dad have booked a trip to Vietnam! They'll be here at the end of October. I'm not only really excited for their visit but I'm also really proud that they're taking this vacation. They are going to do a group trip which will take them all over Vietnam and to Cambodia. They're going to fly to Hanoi a few days prior to the rest of their group so they can spend extra time with yours truly.

As some of you may know, my mother isn't much of a flier. And well, it's kind of a long flight(s) to Hanoi. My mom sent me this message yesterday:

ok - so: How do I love thee?.... Enough to take 11 planes in 16 days
Eough to come to a country full of strange creatures

Enough to travel 1/2 way around the world

Yepp... love you,xxxx mom

I told her that reason number 1 and 3 were basically the same thing which makes me slightly offended that she only loves me two ways.

I'm sure October will be here before I know it. It's just four months away. That should be just enough time for:
1. Me to kill the last bugs/rats/spiders/mysterious future creatures in my house.
2. Huyen to convert to Judaism so that my mother and father will invite her to dinner.
3. My beard to get bushy enough for my dad to be able to rip it off my face when he sees me.

Love you, Mom and Dad!...but I'll love you much more if you walk out of the arrival gate at Hanoi airport with an Espositos sandwich in hand.

East Vs. West

After posting the video of the spider the other day I got countless emails from friends who were astonished at the size of the beast in my living room. I told my Upper Intermediate English students about the spider and they asked to see it. I thought it would be a great experiment to compare the reactions of people from home versus the reactions from locals:

A couple of my favorite moments:

1. Nearly everyone saying it is small. 

2. Mai (far right wearing a white shirt) asking, "Did you cry?"

3. Me saying, "My friend is teacher." Yeah, I'm starting to develop a bad habit of leaving out the "a" in sentences sometimes. 

4. Mai again commenting, "Two men one spider." 

5. Anh (far left) pointing out that I didn't even kill the spider.

6. The class prematurely clapping when they thought Ryan killed the spider.

7. Trung (back row white shirt) commenting that, "I think your friend is afraid too."

8. Phuong being the only one to think the spider was large.

9. Huan (back row blue shirt) explaining that spiders living in the house and nearby are "never big." 

Because of their lack of support for their teacher and my insect woes, I'm going to have them write an essay which will be 75% of their final grade. Here's the assignment: I want a 2,000 word essay about why I am the bravest person you have ever met. 

 

They Don't Use Bagel Cutters In 'Nam

Every time I see Huyen use a knife in my kitchen my mother's voice echoes in my head, "Be careful!" Huyen's skills with a blade are ridiculous. A few thoughts struck me yesterday as I watched her go to town on a passion fruit with the sharpest knife in my kitchen:

1. I would have lost two fingers if I cut a passion fruit like that.

2. This is why they don't have bagel cutters in 'Nam.

3. If girls were this good with a knife/blade/shiv in the States domestic violence would go down. Lorena Bobbit-ing would become a commonly used verb.

4. How were we ever supposed to win a war here if the people can do this without flinching?

 

(VIDEO: Yes, I look gross again. That's the problem with having just been wearing a helmet while simultaneously sweating profusely in one hundred degree weather. Also the sound quality isn't great at the beginning of this but gets better.)

My First Lighter

The other day my coworker/friend Matt was in a motorbike accident. He got pretty banged up and ended up having to have ankle surgery at the French Hospital. As soon as he was out of surgery I jumped on my motorbike to go pay him a visit. Instead of buying flowers I decided to give him a more practical gift: The Wire Season 5. This was the perfect gift to give Matt for a few reasons:

1. On Friday night we were talking about The Wire and how he loved it and couldn't wait to see Season 5.
2. I just finished watching Season 5 the other day (not my favorite season but still genius).
3. Ryan had bought the Season 5 DVDs so it cost me nothing to pass them to Matt.

Despite being doped up on morphine -- or maybe because of it -- Matt was extremely happy to get the gift.

Forty eight hours later I went to visit Matt in the hospital again and brought him another gift: Bill Bryons's "A Walk In The Woods." I finished this book about a month ago and thought Matt might really enjoy it. Turns out he's a Bryson fan and hadn't read the book yet. Again, he was really happy to get the gift.

All that said, the greedy bastard wanted ANOTHER gift -- he asked me to go buy him a lighter. When I first came to the hospital the other day he was moaning for a cigarette. Well in the forty eights hours that I was gone a few packs had appeared on his hospital night stand. However, nobody had gotten him a lighter. Matt asked if I could get him one and I obliged. This was a tough thing to do because:

a) I was the Treasurer of Peer To Peer -- the non drinking, non drugging club -- in high school. Yeah, I'm that much of a loser.
b) I have never been an enabler to smokers. In fact, I had a reputation in college for drunkenly grabbing cigarettes out of people's mouths and throwing them to the floor. I obviously found this funny, others not so much.
c) I have never bought a lighter in my life.

All that said, I walked out of the hospital and found a lighter:



Here's the happy patient a few minutes later:

Cockroaches, Rats and Spiders Oh My! Cockroaches, Rats and Spiders Oh My!

Last night around midnight Ryan and I were watching "The Savages" when Ryan jumped up and yelled, "Jesus Christ! What the hell is that!" We flicked on the light and saw the largest spider either of us had ever seen. It was literally the size of my hand. Granted I have small girly hands but still it was really freaking big.

Hannah, please don't ask me to take any of these spiders outside and not kill them if they show up while you're here:

Zoo Part II: Monkey Petting Time

This was definitely funnier in person but it is still pretty ridiculous. This monkey was in the "children's zoo." It was literally just tied to a pole with a leash. By "leash" I of course mean an old nasty rope.

Please ignore my giggling in the background. I don't know why but I couldn't stop laughing. The closest I ever came to petting a monkey when I was two years old was my stuffed animal puppet that I won at some Harrison School event.

The Prisoner: Making A Comeback In 'Nam

One of the greatest things my brother Zev ever did for me was to introduce me to the 1960s/1970s tv series The Prisoner (www.imdb.com/title/tt0061287).  For those of you who know the series and wonder what the production ever did with the killer white orb, now you know:

For those of you who have never heard of the tv show and are just wondering what these balls are, well basically around a few lakes in Hanoi you can rent these things and go float on the water. From what I can tell their purpose is two fold: 

1. The majority of the people in Hanoi can not swim so this is their only way to get out on the water.

2. You would NEVER want your body to actually touch the lakes/rivers/streams in Vietnam which are highly polluted. 

Zoo Part I

(Video: Zoo Part I. Please no comments on my disgustingly sweaty appearance.)

Add this to things you can't do in America. That's Huyen literally lifting her nephew over the safety bars so he can feed a monkey. This is standard practice at the zoo. The good news is that he's feeding the monkey something the monkey might actually eat in real life. I can't tell you how many monkeys I saw eating candy bars while sipping from juice boxes.

I was complaining yesterday to some friends how heinous the zoo was and they all said the same thing, "Hanoi has one of the best zoos in Asia." Mental note: Do not go to any more zoos in Asia.

ZEV: Do Not Try This At Home

I often say to myself here, "I would never do this at home." Well, yesterday
I found myself doing something I would NEVER EVER do at home. Zev, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- ever do this with my niece:



Yeah, that's right, I drove my motorbike with Huyen and her nephew. Yes, three of us on a bike. Huyen told me she wanted to take her nephew to the park so I agreed. When I showed up at her house she said she wanted me to drive. I told her that it made me very uncomfortable and I did not want to because I thought it was extremely unsafe. Using her best lawyer skills she argued that it was much more dangerous for her to drive her nephew herself. Dammit, that's a good argument. I reluctantly agreed and drove us to the park. Hey, at least the kid was wearing a helmet, right? He's one of like 18 kids who actually wears a helmet in Hanoi.

By the way, on the way home, the kid fell asleep on the motorbike. I mean, really! These kids are a different breed. Can you imagine falling asleep on a bicycle in the middle of insane traffic and thousands of horns blaring?

My internet is back! I'll be posting all week....

He Has My Cheeks!

(PICTURE: Mr. Muoi, the man I rent my motorbike from)

One of my local friends is Mr. Muoi, the man I rent my motorbike from. He and his wife have taken an extra special liking to me over these past couple of months. Perhaps it's because I rented my bike from them, perhaps it's because I've gotten multiple friends to rent bikes from them or perhaps it's because I bought Mrs. Moui some baby clothes prior to her giving birth and sent a bunch of flowers to her hospital when the baby was born. Wow, that was a run-on sentence.

Anyway, the other day after telling Mr. Muoi that I was a c-section child -- like his baby -- he invited me over for a "party." Mr. Lou, his son, was turning one month old and he wanted me to come over. I strolled by right on time and well, there wasn't really a party. Waiting for me was Mr. Muoi and his older brother who took me to a street restaurant and ordered a bunch of food and drinks. He lined the tables with beer and looked slightly disappointed when I told him I couldn't drink because I was on medicine. So he screamed over to the waitress and had her line the table with sodas on my side. A few things struck me as odd at this point:
1. There wasn't a party. It was just the three of us celebrating.
2. The man who I rented my bike from wanted me to drink and drive.
3. I was expected to drink five sodas before the lunch was over.

The three of us did our best at communicating. Turns out Mr. Muoi is the youngest of nine siblings and was due for a kid. His eight year old nephew ended up joining us and thought it was a fun game to light a bottle opener on fire and press it against my calf. Let me tell you, it was hilarious...and the blister should go away soon.

In other news:

I had a thousand hits on my website over the last week. That's right, people like me. I haven't felt this popular since I changed elementary schools and all the hot girls wanted to date me.

The internet is still down at my house so I brought my laptop to school.

I had the RAT trapped yesterday. That's right, it's not a mouse. It's a full on rat. I walked into my house last night and noticed a few things:
A) The trap had been sprung for the third time. The food was gone and the trap was closed but there was no rat.
B) The sticky pads had all been trampled on. That's right, he stepped all over them but didn't stick. Gotta love Vietnamese products.

After shaking my head at my mortal enemy he actually appeared in front of me. He quickly ran up the side of the wall and hid behind a cabinet. I saw him and tried to act quickly on my feet. I put a bunch of the sticky pads on top of the cabinet and a bunch below. I figured either way he went he'd get caught (at least for a moment since clearly the pads didn't work that well). However, I must admit that I'm a gigantic wuss. If I had any guts I would have taken a long sharp knife and inserted it into the cabinet crack. He's quick but I probably could have gotten him. Instead I ended up putting a sticky pad on the end of a pole and inserted it into the crack. It didn't work. He scampered up the wall, jumped over the sticky pads I had placed up top and then jumped eight feet down to the ground...and THEN RAN UPSTAIRS!!! That's right he went up to the bedrooms. I followed him up but couldn't find him. Was he in my room? Was he in Ryan's room? Finding him was going to take a real man...and luckily Ryan came home. I told him the story and he quickly walked out to our porch on the second floor and said, "Yo, he's right here!" Yeah, the rat was sitting out in our garden...right by another trap that the previous apartment inhabitants must have placed there. Ryan chased the bastard and the rat quickly jumped onto a pipe and scampered to our neighbors house. Turns out that the door from our garden has about a two inch gap between it and the floor that the rat was going in and out through. I stuffed a towel into the crack and put some weights on it to try and hold it down. We'll see if it works. Man, I hate that rat!

From C-Blocking To Internet Blocking

Last week Binh, my landlady, got in the way of a potential sleepover. That was annoying and frustrating however now she's gone too far. Now she's blocking my Internet access. Binh went away for five days and I think turned off the power at her house. I'm all for saving electricity but when you turn off the power you also turn off the wireless router. And well, you cut off my loyal readers from my daily blogs. Now I'm subject to writing this blog at my school while teachers fight over computer access time. It also means I can't post any pictures for a few days.

To update on a few other things:
1. The mouse/rat got caught in the cage....twice...and both times escaped. The food was gone, trap door closed but no mouse/rat. I just finally bought sticky pads. He's a dead man.
2. I finished watching Season 4 of The Wire. All four seasons were amazing. Last night I started Season 5. This was one of my goals for the year. Check it off the list.
3. I saw Indiana Jones the other night. Um, space aliens? Yeah, it's time to end the franchise.
4. Today I finish my cycle of Cipro. If my stomach hurts tomorrow I'm pretty sure I have some new Vietnamese super bug.
5. How awesome is the Euro cup!
6. My sister apparently is going to bail on me to hike the Appalachian Trail next year (unless McCain wins then she might join me). Anyone want to go for a long hike?

Happy Father's Day!!!

Dad,

Even though you've recently lost a bunch of weight you're still the Big Guy to me. I love you and miss you and think of you every day. For example, I think about how you haven't sent me Dinosaur BBQ via Fed Ex. I also think about how I could have been a professional hockey player if you sent me to Canada as a little kid. I also think about how you tortured me for years with the tickle bug. I also think about how you boosted my self confidence as an awkward teenager by telling me my nose was too big for my face. And I also think about how every time I come home you tell me that either my hair is too long or my facial hair is too thick. I also think about...well, the list is really long. But I really do think often about how damn lucky I am to have you as my father. In fact, Hannah, Zev and I are all really lucky to have you as our Dad. And Lilah, well, she's about to find out how lucky she is to have you as her Grandpa. Love you, Big Guy! Happy Father's Day!

Ben

Tim Russert

I just read that Tim Russert died today. This saddens me terribly. Tim Russert was far and away one of my favorite journalist and from what I know and have read, a very good man.

This Morning I'm A Man

10:12AM. Saw the rodent again in my kitchen. With the morning light I could tell it's a mouse. I didn't scream like a girl today and am about to walk to the store to buy some sticky pads. The question is, what do I do once the mouse is caught on the sticky pad. Do I need to buy a baseball bat too? And what if there are more?!

I Just Screamed Like A Girl

1:29AM. I just went downstairs to get water before going to bed. I flicked on the light and the hairiest, dirtiest rat/mouse thing I've ever seen scurried across the kitchen and ran behind the refrigerator. I believe I screamed, "Holy Shit-Jesus-what-the-hell." Second later Ryan came charging down the stairs in just his trousers (I say trousers now instead of pants since I've been teaching British English): and mumbled, "who's there?" I explained to him the situation and we both kicked water bottles behind the refrigerator to see if the thing would come running out. Tomorrow morning I'm buying traps (which I saw at the store the other day when buying cockroach spray and thought, "At least we don't have mice or rats.").

Ironically Brett Goldstein just emailed me about the post from yesterday and asked, "are there any other critters you're not telling us about." This is your fault, Brett.

I Could Be A Rich Man In China

(One of my recovered pictures from my hard drive. I knew that $200 was worth it.)

In Beijing many street vendors sold cockroaches on a stick. Um, delicious.

Well, I need to figure out how to start an export business because I've just struck gold--cockroach gold. Turns out that my house is situated above a cockroach colony. Okay, I'm being dramatic...all of Vietnam is situated above a cockroach colony. Check out this footage.

Two Things

1. I'm sick as a dog again. No, Mom, I don't have Dengue fever. I think my body is just reacting to being around so many teenagers every day who are used to living in a society where picking your nose and flinging it is not considered disgusting. I mean, come on people, this isn't my living room in New Jersey!

2. I just read Steve Song's blog and apparently he's coming back to Hanoi in October for a week or so. Song, you're not getting your camera back (which clearly I'm not using enough of since this is a picture free entry).

Going to bed...

My Vietnamese Mother

The other night as soon as my class ended I got a text message from Huyen: "I am waiting outside of your school. I would like to sleep at your house tonight if that is okay." As mentioned, Vietnamese girls don't sleep at boys' houses. As also mentioned, this was one of the first weeks in Huyen's life that she was sleeping alone at her house and was extremely lonely and sad. So naturally I said what any gentleman would say, "Of course!!!!!!!!!!."

I got my motorbike and pulled up to the front of the school and Huyen was waiting there as promised. We drove side by side back to my house. I opened the front gate and the two of us parked our bikes. I then went back to the gate to lock it when I the door to the front house opened and Ming, the man of the house exited. Ming asked me to read the power meter so I could pay the bill. Sure no problem. A second later, Binh, the woman of the house came rushing out. This is roughly the conversation that took place:
Ben: Hi, Binh.
Binh: I see the girl. Vietnamese girl can not sleep here.
Ben: What?
Binh: No Vietnamese girl can sleep her.
Ben: Why?
Binh: You do not know who girl is. I do not know girl. Many girls rob foreigners. Then they rob us.
Ben: She's my girlfriend (yeah I used that word).
Binh: Girlfriend?
Ben: Yes.
Binh: You do not know her. She might rob you. And we are central. Police see her here and we get in trouble.
Ben: Why would you get in trouble with the police?
Binh: They see license plate on motorbike and we get in trouble?
Ben: What? That doesn't make any sense.
Binh: Girl must go!
Ben: Binh, your daughter is studying abroad in England right now. I'll bet you she sleeps over many boys' houses.

Okay, I didn't say that last line. Instead I told Binh she should meet Huyen and I could even get her a copy of her Vietnamese ID card if it made her more comfortable. Binh muttered something else and then rushed back into her house. Conveniently their kitchen light stayed on until Huyen eventually left. That's right, no sleep over was had. I was c-blocked by my Vietnamese mother.

Keep in mind, Huyen was feet away with our motorbikes. After she was very upset saying, "It makes me sad that people think very badly about Vietnamese girls." This is actually a great social study. We're talking about the old mentality of Binh vs. the new mentality of Huyen who is much more Western thinking. For example she has said to me before, "When a girl marries in Vietnam she is a slave to the man. I don't like this." Granted Huyen and I disagree on that last opinion since obviously women should be slaves to men. But anyway, the old line rings true here: "When In Rome, Do As The Roman Do." No sleepovers are in line for anytime soon....until Binh and Ming go to visit their daughter in England.

Hanoi Weather

Check out today's weather from now till when I have to go to school. Keep in mind, this is basically the same forecast for every day this week...and probably month. According to weather.com there will be scattered t-storms every hour here.

Wed, June 11

Time

Condition

Feels Like

Chance Precip

Dew Point

Humid.

Wind

Morning Commute

Interstate Forecast

9am

Scattered T-Storms 84°F

93°F

50%

76°F

77%

From E 5 mph

10am

Scattered T-Storms 86°F

97°F

50%

77°F

74%

From E 5 mph

11am

Scattered T-Storms 88°F

100°F

50%

77°F

70%

From ESE 5 mph

12pm

Scattered T-Storms 89°F

101°F

50%

77°F

68%

From SE 6 mph

1pm

Scattered T-Storms 90°F

103°F

50%

77°F

65%

From SE 6 mph

2pm

Scattered T-Storms 90°F

103°F

50%

77°F

65%

From SE 6 mph

3pm

Scattered T-Storms 89°F

101°F

50%

77°F

68%

From SE 7 mph

It's Official: Vietnam Has It All

Three days ago I was talking about different foods to Huyen. Huyen, like many Vietnamese people, thinks that Vietnamese food is not only the only healthy food in the world, but also the only good food in the world. For example this is a typical conversation:

Ben: Huyen have you ever had a hamburger?
Huyen: Yes. I don't like. It's very fatty.
Ben: Huyen have you ever had pizza?
Huyen: I don't like. It's fatty.
Ben: Do you want to get Indian food?
Huyen: I don't like.
Ben: Have you ever had it?
Huyen: No but it's unhealthy.

The other day I made Huyen a bet that if she could get an A on a listening section of the midterm test I gave my upper Elementary level teenagers I would buy her sushi (basically I played a tape twice and she had to answer twenty questions about it). However, if she scored a C or lower she would have to buy me sushi. Well, she got a C which means I'm owed sushi. However, Huyen told me that instead of going to the restaurant she would look up the recipe for sushi and, "cook it" for me.

With her love of only eating/knowing Vietnamese food she reminds me of my sister in fourth grade who would only eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch in dinner. I can only hope that Huyen will one day have the same reaction Hannah had after maxing out on one meal: she'll never want to eat it again. Okay, that's not completely true since I still love Vietnamese food.

Anyway, the point is, we were talking about food and I mentioned bagels. Of course Huyen had never heard of bagels (and had a hard time pronouncing it). Well as soon as I mentioned bagels I couldn't get them out of my mind. I was like Bubba in Forest Gump: "Huyen there are so many types of bagels. There's poppy bagels. Sesame bagels. Raisin bagels. Pumpernickel bagels. Onion bagels. Garlic bages. Everything bagels. Salt bagels. Even chocolate chip bagels!" For the next four eight hours I kept thinking about hot bagels smothered with white fish salad or cream cheese and lox. I kept thinking that if I was home in Jersey I could expect to wake up with a fresh bagel waiting for me on the kitchen table care of Mother August taking an early morning drive for her son to the bagel store.

Well, on Saturday afternoon while I was taking a breather on the ultimate frisbee sidelines, I happened to blurt out: "I would kill for a bagel." The fact that it was on my mind in the middle of a frisbee match shows exactly how obsessed I've been. Luckily my friend Laura who has been in town for a while overheard me and said, "Go to Puku. They have bagels." Turns out there is a New Zealand breakfast spot that is extremely well known with the expats. The next morning I met Laura there for brunch and ate this:














Sure, it's no New Jersey bagel but damn it was good. The bagel itself was sort of just thick bread with a whole in the middle but the cream cheese and the lox were amazing. Oh yeah, see that plate of food in the background? That was my second breakfast. All in all, this was one of my most expensive meals I've eaten in Vietnam (two breakfast plates and a fresh squeezed pineapple juice for exactly $10) but it was well worth it.

Ironically later in the day I told Huyen how I found a bagel and she said: "You found a bagel and didn't take me? You're so selfish!"

SIZE MATTERS

(PICTURE: I was never good at math. How many inches is 8 centimeters?)

Dear Ahoy Hanoi Fans,

"They" say size doesn't matter but we all know -- some of us sadly better than others -- that isn't true. So, in an experiment to see how big my site is I've added a counter today. Please click on my site at least twice as much as usual so I can feel good about myself. Thank you.

Ben

"Come Wash My Apartment"

(PICTURE: Huyen's new apartment. The person taking this photo had his back basically against the far wall...which isn't very far from the front wall)

When people get something new in Vietnam they are supposed to "wash it." No they don't physically put soap and water to the object. It's just an expression which means they must celebrate by buying others food/drinks, etc. So, Huyen moved apartments the other day and invited Ryan and I over to "come wash my apartment."

Let me just say, if you ever want to feel really good about where you live you should spend some time in a locals' apartment. Huyen's apartment is roughly 7 foot by 12 foot. Sure, it's probably just a tad smaller than a $1500 a month place in the village but it's lacking a few amenities like:

a) A mattress. There's a bed frame with just a rock hard "bed" on top of it. Basically it's just wood slots covered by a straw mat.
b) A toilet. There's a hole in the ground in a separate "room" but nothing to sit on. I just don't understand how the Vietnamese get any reading down.
c) A shower. There's a faucet which you use to fill up a bucket and then pour on yourself with a large spoon.
d) Air conditioning. Huyen's place is roughly 112 degrees Fahrenheit.
e) Window screens. Bugs/lizards just fly/crawl in. That said, it does come with a nice mosquito net.
f) A closet.

On the plus side the apartment costs $20 a month. Huyen splits the place with her sister so they each pay $10 a month. That's right, $10 a month. And yes, two people live in this tiny room. That's also the norm here. People always share their beds with friends and family.

Now I know why Huyen keeps coming over my apartment during the day -- she wants to use my bathroom and bask in my air conditioning.

Would You Like A Little AIDS With Your Goat Hot Pot?

(PICTURE: The literature my waiter handed me)

Two nights ago I'm sitting outside at my favorite goat hot-pot restaurant waiting for Ryan to show up. I had a couple minutes to spare so I took out midterm exams from my backpack which needed grading. I started to mark up the tests when a waiter came up to me and started to try and talk. He knew ZERO words in English and my twenty word vocab wasn't getting us too far. We said our names, shook hands, had a few chuckles at our lack of communication and then he wandered off.

I went back to grading my midterms when after about a minute the waiter returned holding a piece of paper. He handed me the paper with a huge grin and pointed at himself. I quickly glanced over the 8X10s and got the gist of what he was handing me. Basically it was a four page document printed off the internet about AIDS. He kept smiling at me and pointing at himself. I asked him, "Do you have Aids?" and he kept smiling and pointing. He gestured for me to keep the paper and meandered off, looking quite proud. I couldn't figure out if:
A. The waiter actually had AIDS
OR
B. He figured I was a teacher and wanted me to teach my students about AIDS
OR
C. Both

No real point to this story except that it was just another strange incident. And yes, I have a favorite goat hot-pot place.

It's Time To Be Taken A Little Seriously

All of my classes are great except for one teenage class. There are 19 students in that class and all of them are well behaved except for four boys. Yesterday as they were being obnoxious two thoughts popped into my head:

Thought 1: One of my favorite children's books -- I'm blanking on the name (help, Mom)-- is about a teacher who is really nice to her students and doesn't get the respect she deserves. So the teacher calls in sick to the school and dresses up in all black and comes into the class as a "substitute." Her new personality is extremely mean and she disciplines the children. After a week or so of this the kids are dying for their old nice teacher and when she reappears they are the ideal class.

Thought 2: I read an article about a police force in Mexico who were required to grow mustaches. In fact, I think they were fined if they didn't have mustaches. The reason behind the facial hair demand was that they find in Mexico people with 'staches get more respect.

Well, I put those two thoughts together and today I'm going to class with a new mentality...and a new look:

(PICTURE: No comment on the clearly bent/gigantic nose, Dad)

A Not So Sweet Reminder Of Sweet Times

I just cleaned off the clothes line and one article of clothing was left: Steve Song's dirty undies (sure they must be clean since they were obviously washed but come on, they're still dirty).

Incidentally, that white building on the right side is the Dutch Embassy. While taking the photo someone looked at me from the window. Yeah, I'm now just waiting for my front door to be knocked down by Vietnamese police. Anything for the blog...

Epiphany

(PICTURE: My days at Hebrew School. That's me third on the right side wearing a skull cap)

I had an epiphany last night while I was teaching my teenage pre-intermediate 1 class: I'm Teaching Hebrew School!

Well, I'm at least teaching the Vietnamese equivalent of Hebrew School. Here are the simple facts:
1. I'm teaching middle to upper class kids
2. These kids, for the most part, don't want to be at school in their limited free time.
3. Their parents don't care what their kids want and make them go to English School.
4. Every other kid's last name is Levy or Goldberg.

English Contest

(PICTURE: A sign advertising an English contest)

This sign caught my attention yesterday and since I haven't posted a funny sign in a while I thought, "hey this is great for the blog."

This sign was posted at Huyen's University advertising an English contest. Call me crazy but the English Club sponsoring an English contest should have probably had someone proofread their banners. My two favorite lines are:

1. "Wanna feel your English inside?"
2. "Experience true English!!!"