Back to Justin...

Over the next few days we're going to travel back in time together and talk about my five days with Justin. With the timing of my parents' visit, I wasn't able to blog about my adventures with my cousin. Well, now is the time.

The most nerve wracking part of anyone's visit are the first twenty minutes or so after they rent a motorbike. We always rent the bikes in the Old Quarter which is perhaps the worst place to begin learning to ride. The streets are really narrow there and there is exponentially more foot traffic/obstacles to steer around. Before taking Justin to the Old Quarter I gave him a quick tutorial in my neighborhood. I had no doubt that Justin would be an excellent rider since his only form of transportation over the last few years has been a bicycle in Boston. Furthermore, Justin is a pretty gifted athlete and has great coordination. My only concern for Justin was that he would start to day dream while on his bike and smash into something in front of him. I specifically told him, "Justin always keep focused on the road in front of you. That's the most important thing. Oh, and the second most important thing is you should really never be in first gear."

After a few laps around my 'hood, Justin and I went to the Old Quarter to get a bike from Mr. M, my bike dealer. Mr. M asked us where we were going and I said Mai Chau. He then informed me that he didn't have a bike available for Justin -- despite an unrented bike parked right next to him. Mr. M pointed us to a bike shop down the street and said they could rent us a bike as long as we didn't tell them we were going to Mai Chau. Translation: No bike dealer likes to put mileage on their bikes so lie. This is also clearly why Mr. M didn't rent us his bike.

So Justin and I went down the street and rented a bike from a travel agency. The bike Justin got looked brand new and by far better than my bike. The two of us then saddled up and began to ride back to my house so we could pack for our journey. On the way back I had one eye on the road and one eye on Justin in my rear-view mirror. I breathed a sigh of relief after just a minute because Justin completely had the hang of the bike. He was doing a great job AND staying focused on the road. We made it all the way back to my house without any gliches. When we got there I opened my front/garage door and rode my bike inside. Standing there was Ryan, Jessica and Huyen. They asked me a question when all of a sudden Jessica exclaimed "Oh My God!" I immediately turned around to catch Justin flying up my front walk, crashing into the wall between my neighbor's house and mine and falling over. Ryan, Jessica and I couldn't stop laughing along with Justin. Huyen was the only person to look shocked.

Turns out Justin put his bike into first gear and couldn't control it. In the end the only damage was to my neighbor's flower pot which was smashed in half. Luckily the neighbor laughed along with us and told us it wasn't a problem.

The only problem in my mind was that Justin and I were about to get back on our bikes and ride six hours to Mai Chau!

Safe Travels, Mom and Dad!!!

(PICTURE: Dad resting at the pogoda on Hoam Kiem lake)
(PICTURE: Mom, Huyen and I at dinner)

Perhaps the most overused cliche is that, "Time Flies." Well, it's true. This morning my parents left their hotel at 5am to go to the airport and fly to Hue. I can't believe that my parents arrived eight days ago and are already leaving. Frankly, time flew.

It was wonderful having my parents in town and I'm really proud of them for coming. For those of you who don't know, my mother is petrified of flying. However to come see me she braved-up and flew for over 24 hours. Not to mention, she's now flying all over Southeast Asia before getting on another 24 hour flight back home. She's a brave woman. Furthermore, I'm really proud of my Dad for making it out here. It was just eight months ago that he had open-heart surgery and although he's not in the best shape of his life, he's doing really well. And Dad, no pressure, but I expect you to be in the best shape of your life when I get back in seven months!

I also want to thank my parents for being so warm to Huyen. Huyen said to me, "Your parents are so nice and I feel very close to them." As most of you know, it is every Jewish parents dream for their child to marry a nice Jewish girl. Huyen has the nice part covered since she's probably the nicest person I've ever met. However, in case you haven't been paying attention, Huyen isn't Jewish. She's not even half Jewish. The thought of me dating a non-Jew, and potentially marrying one, can't be an easy idea for my parents. However, you wouldn't know it since they treated Huyen as kindly as they treated any girl I've ever brought home. So thank you for that Mom and Dad.

I'm filled with sadness at the moment since I won't see my parents again until next May. At the airport when I left America (blog entry #1) I cried when I said goodbye to my family. This time I was a little stronger and managed to hold back my tears...although I did shed a couple when I saw my parents at baggage claim when they arrived.

I love you Mom and Dad!

The Reality Of War

In nearly every house in Vietnam is a Buddhist shrine with pictures of relatives who have died. Ninety nine percent of the time there are pictures of someone's mother and father or grandparents. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure how it works but the basic idea is you burn incense and fruit in front of the shrine for your deceased loved ones.

On Sunday I asked Huyen if my family and I could see the upstairs of her house. She agreed and took us upstairs with her father. In the one room upstairs was a bed (which Huyen and her brother and sisters sleep in), more ceramics for sale, and a little shrine. There were two pictures hung on the wall above the shrine. One picture was of Huyen's Grandmother and the other picture was of Huyen's Uncle -- her father's brother. On the way back down the stairs Huyen's father stopped at the shrine and told us (via Huyen's translation): "This is my brother. He died fighting in the American War." Huyen's father said this with no resentment or anger; he was just telling us about his brother. In the car on the ride home, Huyen said to me, "My Uncle was very handsome. However, he died before he got married or had children."

Seeing the picture of Huyen's Uncle hit my Dad pretty hard. The next day he was still thinking about it and told me it was on his mind when I first saw him that morning. He said that he knew Americans who died in the Vietnam War, but seeing someone from the other side -- and someone's loved one -- was bothering him. As my father has said before, "Nobody wins in war."

The thought that kept crossing my mind was how amazingly forgiving people can be. Huyen's family welcomed my family into their house with open arms despite us coming from the country which killed her Uncle. I keep asking myself, "Would I be as forgiving if the roles were reversed?"

Mom and Dad Meet The Nguyens

My family and Huyen's had a great afternoon together. Huyen's mother and sister prepared a huge meal for us and could not have been more friendly. There were so many great moments during our time together but here's the top ten:

10. Upon arriving at the house my father immediately saying hello to Huyen's parents and pointing at Justin's feet and saying, "dirty." (They were dirty, as were mine, because we got sprayed by the truck we had just helped push out of a ditch). Justin then said out loud, "Has anyone told them what just happened with the stuck car or do they think you're just saying I'm a filthy animal?"

9. Watching my parents sit on the ground to eat. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen my parents sit on the ground to do anything.

8. My Dad's back/legs starting to hurt while sitting on the ground (see #9 above) so we moved him into a chair. He sat above everyone else like a king (I think he's practicing for his Mayor of Livingston role which is scheduled to start in January '09).

7. Trying to explain to Huyen's family that my father doesn't drink beer and that my parents can't eat grapefruit because of the medication they are on. These just aren't things that translate in Vietnamese.

6. Huyen's father playing the guitar for us while we ate.

5. Managing to not break any of the ceramic goods scattered all throughout the house. Huyen's parents sell China and their goods are stacked everywhere. Between Justin and I, I think we banged into at least a half dozen pots and luckily not one cracked.

4. The Nguyen's telling us that, "Having [us] at their house is the happiest [they've] been in a long time."

3. My father singing "The Itzy Bitsy Spider" to Huyen's nephew instead of responding to Huyen's Dad who tried multiple times to do a cheers with my Dad's coke (see #7 in regards to the Coke).

2. Huyen's family telling us that, "They always thought foreign families were not close. But now they see they are." Huyen's parents also told Huyen that they can see my parents are very kind people.

1. The Taxi Driver asking in Vietnamese in front of everyone , and translated by Huyen, "So you want to marry a Vietnamese girl?"

Mom and Dad Meet Vietnamese "Traffic"

(PICTURE: The guy in blue is our taxi driver, Minh. Standing in the same pose as the picture I posted a few days ago when he first arrived is Justin. Working the video camera is my Dad being protected from the rain by Huyen. NOT PICTURED: My mother hyperventilating in the car).

In Vietnam there are all sorts of things that stop one from having a nice fluid ride from Point A to Point B. The most common deterrent is generally the traffic. However, today, on the road to Huyen's village, my parents and I experience a new type of road delay.

As we were driving on the one lane back-country road, we came upon a little road construction. The construction crew was spreading out gravel along a road which I can only assume would eventually be flattened to make for a smooth road. However, on this day, there were a few problems:

Problem 1: A construction truck had just dumped a huge pile of rocks in the road in front of us. The pile of rocks was literally three feet high and blocking the whole road.

Problem 2: A truck was stuck in the road in front of us. it had tried to go over a small pile of rocks and had dug its wheels in pretty deep.

Just as my mother started to panic and asked for the third time, "Can we back-up?" another truck pulled up behind us and dropped another HUGE pile of rocks. We were literally now sandwiched between two giant piles of rocks.


In the end, Justin saved the day. Justin found two wooden planks and placed them under the car's tires (you can see them in the picture above). With us pushing the stuck truck, the truck was able to fly out of the ruts. All the locals who came out to watch the random Americans told Huyen, "Americans are so smart." All those times Justin has gotten caught in the snow finally paid off...

In case you missed it in the second paragraph, all this happened on the way to Huyen's city/village. That's right, The Augusts met The Nguyens. But that is a story for tomorrow...

The More The Merrier

Not only do I have Justin and my parents in town, but yesterday my friend Fabrice from Madagascar showed up. Yes, I have a friend from Madagascar. Fabrice and I met in aBudapest hostel in 2006 and became quick friends. We've kept in touch over the years and finally got to see each other again last night. Here's a picture of us drinking at a street beer stand last night:

Now that you see how we both look today, lets play the game, "Who has aged better over the last two and a half years?" Here are pictures of Fabrice and I at the Hotel Gelart in Budapest.


Okay I think Fabrice wins this one despite putting on about a dozen pounds. Clearly the last two years have been tough ones for me...

Mom and Dad Meet My Classes

It was officially "Take Your Parents To School Day" in Vietnam yesterday. Mom and Dad swung by Language Link and got to see the school and meet a whole bunch of my students.

Luckily for my parents, yesterday was the best day of the semester for my classes -- the day after final exams. As I've mentioned before, teachers always go out with their students during the last class. My first class went to dinner together and ate hot pot. Here's a video:




My next class went out to a cafe and had coffee. Here are some of the highlights from the night:
1. My students telling me that, "Your father is more handsome than you."
2. My students all agreeing that, "You don't look like your family."
3. Receiving three more gifts from students including this awesome hand knit scarf that reads, "Happy Time. We Do Miss U!"
It was made Phuong, one of my favorite students:














4. Being invited to my first Vietnamese wedding on November 20th...which is also coincidentally Vietnamese teacher day.

5. One of my students asking me what my Dad's name was. I said, "Buddy" and he looked shocked. He said, "Really? Like friend or pal? That's cool!"

At the end of the night we took a class picture.

GREAT NEWS!!!

I've got great news for everyone: This afternoon I got an email from Hayden. He wrote:

Ben

Your a top bloke.

I just got out of hospital today and will recover for a while on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland.

Hope all is well with you and thanks for your kind email.

Hayden

I wrote Hayden back and told him that dozens of you sent me emails wishing him well. It was a great sight seeing Hayden's name pop up in my inbox. Thank you again to everyone for keeping Hayden in your thoughts!

Mom and Dad Meet Huyen

Probably the worst time to introduce your girlfriend to your parents is right after they've flown for twenty four hours and sit down in comfortable chairs for the first time. My parents were both zonked out when Huyen came in. Here are my favorite parts of this video:

1. Huyen asking what my parents' names are and not knowing my last name. (Truth check: she knows my full name but later was confused on why you call someone's parents Mr. and Mrs. because it's, "Too formal.")

2. My parents not getting up. In their defense they fell asleep about two seconds after we left the room.

3. My annoying nervous laughter. I must get it from my sister.

4. The occasional glances of my cousin Justin smiling in the background.




Huyen invited my parents for coffee later in the day when she finished work and I was still at work. Prior to meeting up with Huyen my Dad took a pain killer pill (I'm pretty sure for his ailing back and not because she's a goy) and promtly fell asleep at the cafe while dripping with sweat. Literally my mother had to push him back in his chair since he started to fall out of it while off in sleepy-land. This scared the hell out of Huyen who keeps texting/asking me how my Dad is feeling.

When I finished work, Mom, Huyen, Justin, Ryan and I all went to dinner. A little more awake, Mom and Huyen seemed to be bonding:

Welcome To 'Nam

A few weeks ago my father hurt his back putting my parents Vietnam trip in jeopardy. When Justin and I departed for our motorbike trip I was 95% sure my parents weren't coming anymore. While out in the rice paddies of Northwest 'Nam I didn't have access to email for a couple of days. When I finally did get a chance to check my email I had a note from my mother that basically said, "We're coming." I was beyond excited to hear this since I had come to grips with the idea that it would be a long time till I got to see them again.

Well, this morning they arrived! Let me beat everyone to the comment: "Worst video ever." I kind of forgot I had the camera in my hand when my parents walked through the arrival gates.




For those of you who are wondering about my trip with Justin -- I'm just going to have to delay those stories until after my parents leave. However let me say, they're well worth the wait.

I Head-Butted A Girl In The Face

I'm still on my motorbike trip with Justin and thus haven't had access to email or been able to download any pictures. However, after traveling for 11 hours yesterday through rice paddies and a national park (details on this once I get back) we decided to treat ourselves to the nicest hotel in Thanh Hoa. This place is a palace for the whopping cost of $20 a night which includes free internet.

That said, I thought I'd share a quick anecdote from the other night. While in Mai Chau, Justin and I befriended about forty Vietnamese college students. The majority of the students were girls and aged 19. Well, I was talking to two girls when a giant preying mantis landed on my shoulder. Naturally I said, "Whoah!" One of the two girls saw the insect and flicked it...right into my face. As it hit my cheek I instinctively shot my head forward and HEAD-BUTTED the other girl in the face. When I say head-butted, I mean head-butted. It was a powerful slam of my forehead into hers. Somehow though I ended up being the one hurt. The bone around my eye socket is extremely sensitive to the touch even forty eight hours later. I apologized to the girl who in turned apologized to me over and over again. In the end I conceded -- it was her fault.

Students Say The Craziest Things Part 3

As I've mentioned, I always have my students talk/debate at the beginning of class as a speaking exercise. Well, the other day I gave students topics to debate and it became pretty heated. The funniest topic turned out to be, "Should Vietnam allow other fast food franchises besides KFC."

Right now in KFC is the only American franchise allowed in the country. Arguing against more fast food were two men. Arguing for more fast food were two women. However, it ended up being 1 man versus all the women in my class. Here's a simplified version of the argument:

MAN: Vietnam shouldn't allow more fast food because it will make our women lazy. They should cook their families meals and not go to fast food restaurants.

WOMAN #1: Why does it just make women lazy? We work too. Maybe we don't want to cook. Maybe we want to be lazy when we finish work.

MAN: What? Cooking for your family is a woman's pleasure.

WOMAN #1: It's not my pleasure. I'm busy.

MAN: But cooking is what makes women happy.

WOMAN #2: It doesn't make me happy. How many women does it make happy?

0 out of 7 hands went up.

MAN: It makes my mother happy. Cooking is her great delight.

Students Say The Craziest Things Part 2

On Sunday I was walking in the hallway and saw one of my students, Trang. Trang is always on the edge of her seat, waving her hand at me to answer questions. Yeah, one of those types. Well, I smiled at her and said, "Hi, Trang!" She ignored me and kept on walking. I thought it was odd until a second later I saw Trang again and did a double-take. Turns out she's an identical twin. This is the conversation that then took place:

BEN: Trang, you have a twin sister?
TRANG: Yes. And her teacher is a better teacher than you. You're a bad teacher. Her teacher plays more games than you.
BEN: Oh, well that's not very nice to say.

Trang shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "I don't care." I then thought for a second and said:

BEN: Trang, is your sister in the same level as you? Is she also Pre-Intermediate 1?
TRANG: No, she's Pre-Intermediate 2.
BEN: Oh, so your sister is a better student than you.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked into the teacher's room. SNAP! I got her good. I put that 11 year old in her place!!!!

Okay, maybe I didn't say that last line but I really really wanted to.

Students Say The Craziest Things

I hear crazy things every day from my students. Last Friday I asked my class what they were going to do on the weekend. This is the conversation that took place with one of my shiest students.

SHY STUDENT: I'm going to take my wife to meet my little friend.

BEN: That's very exciting. Where does your friend live?

The student smiled and pointed at his crotch.

My Cousin Justin

(From left to right: Me, my brother, Justin, my cousin Adam)

My cousin Justin is visiting this week and we're taking a bike trip out to Mai Chau. My cousin is know to, how to say this nicely, sometimes have his head in the clouds. There are about five thousand family anecdotes about Justin with the most infamous being the time he was almost left in Israel because he went to the bathroom at a restaurant while his tour group boarded a bus to the airport. A waiter had to rush Justin to catch the flight while everyone else was already on the plane.

Anyway, the last three times I was supposed to meet Justin he was an average of seven hours late. Last night he kept up the pattern but was only a couple hours late. He was supposed to arrive at my house around midnight, but at 2AM he still wasn't there. I told Huyen we should jump on my bike and go look for him in the streets of my neighborhood. We did just that and shockingly didn't find Justin. As soon as we got back to my house my phone rang -- it was his taxi driver and he couldn't find my house. Huyen talked to him and told him to drop Justin off. Three minutes later we walked to where Justin was and sure enough he was standing in the middle of a t-section taking pictures...

The first thing Justin said to me is, "Is a bill that says 5 followed by five zeroes five hundred thousand or five hundred?" I told Justin that was five hundred thousand. He said, "I think I gave a few of those to the taxi driver." Turns out Justin went to the ATM at the airport and ended up giving ALL his withdrawal money to the taxi driver -- roughly $120. That's $104 more than I told him it should cost from the airport to my house. Oh well, live and learn.

It's great to have Justin here and we're gonna have a heck of a trip. However, I have a feeling that on a few occasions we're gonna be in the same stance as the picture above: me looking pissed as Justin stares of into the clouds.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

One of the hardest parts of living so far away from home is that I can't give my mother a hug and a kiss on her birthday. However, I can still make her a video. I love you, Mom!

GHOST!

As you may recall, I think my new house is haunted. When we first toured the house -- which was in the middle of being built -- there was a doll facing a wall in an empty room. Yeah, Blair Witch Style. I tried taking two pictures of the doll and they both came out fuzzy. Maybe it was the weak camera battery or maybe it was spirits.

It turns out that there was another huge box of dolls in the house which used to belong to the owners daughter and for some reason they want to store at our house. They put the dolls on our fifth floor, in an empty room in front of the balcony where we hang our laundry, and wrapped them in a plastic sheet. Why they need to store the dolls here, I don't know. I also haven't seen THE DOLL that was standing in the corner. No, I'm not joking.

Well, since we've moved in there have been lots of little signs that there is a ghost. A few strange things:

1. The window in my bathroom randomly rattles all the time when I'm in my bathroom.

2. One day I came home and my door was open. This is odd since I always lock it before I leave the house. What was weird is that the door handle was still locked but the door was open.

3. A few times I've been doing work in my room and have heard a knock on my door. I get up thinking it's Ryan and well, nobody is there...and Ryan isn't home.

4. Yesterday I went upstairs to hang my clothes to dry and about a dozen of the dolls were scattered across the floor in the room they're stored in. Somehow they had gotten out of the box and moved about ten feet away from it.

There's only two explanations for #4: a) The construction was so strong yesterday that it shook the box open and scattered the dolls. b) A ghost did it.

Lets just hope the ghost is friendly.

The Tide Has Turned

They say that boys like girls like their mothers. Well, you're gonna want to take a seat for this one. Huyen is a lot like my mom. No, Huyen isn't a suburban Jewish mother. And no, my mother isn't an unemployed Vietnamese woman.

However, they do have a lot in common including great mothering instincts (Huyen is phenomenal whenever kids are around) and the knack for firing off 100 questions at me in a span of five minutes. But there's something else I found out this week. Huyen has grey hairs...and a bunch of them! They're all nestled in a little spot on the right side of her head. For those of you who know my mother, she's got a grey hair or two also.

If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll recall the video where Huyen plucked the grey hairs from my head. She loves coming up behind me when I'm doing work and yanking my colorless hairs and telling me, "You're so old." Well, the tide has turned. This week I got to pull Huyen's white hairs out.

Vaccines

After hearing for the 94th time how Japanese Encephalitis could turn my brain to mush if I was unfortunately bitten by an infected mosquito, I decided to get the vaccine.

The cost of vaccines here are exponentially cheaper than getting them in the states. The Jap E shot in America is $150 a pop...and since you need three of them over a month that's a lot of dough. Here the shots cost $7.00, plus a nurse's fee. Since I was paying the nurse's fee anyway, I thought "Hell I might as well get the Rabies vaccine too" (this decision was helped after seeing quite a few dogs I assumed to be rabid up in Sapa). And since I was getting those vaccines anyway I thought, "Hell, I might as well get the flu vaccine too."

For those of you who are interested I've now had Hep A, Hep B, Typhoid Fever, Tetanus Booster, Jap E, Rabies and the flu shot. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sort of a super hero.

Foreign Languages Are Hard

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Ralph Wiggum

Learning another language is really hard. Last week I asked Huyen to start teaching me Vietnamese for 30 minutes every day. After three days I still can't pronounce five of the eleven vowels.

However, this blog is really about Huyen. She speaks English really well but once in a while has little lapses. There was a great exchange the other day that I thought was absolutely classic:

RYAN: Huyen, do you think your English has gotten better since dating Ben?

HUYEN: Thank you.

The Boy Is Back In Town...

(PICTURE: Huyen's new shirt Steve bought for her when he swung by Oakland)

Steve Song -- World Traveler, NY Times Celebrity, LHS Grad '97, Columbia Grad '01, one of the crashers on my floor in April when my house was robbed by ninjas, donater of the camera I use to blog with, author of songer uncensored, and above average baseball player -- swung by Hanoi this week.

Steve managed to say hi to Ryan and I in between a booty call in HCMC (http://songeruncensored.blogspot.com/2008/10/bangladeshcheck.html) and a week of relaxation in Thailand.

Steve had spent a few weeks with me when I first moved to Hanoi back in April. It was good to have him back in town even though it felt like it had only been a month or so since he left. For those of you who don't know, Steve is reason I met Huyen. While at the airport with him in May he started to hit on Huyen's friend and I talked to Huyen. The rest is history.

I'm sure we'll see you again in a couple of months, Steve!...hopefully your hair will be back to normal by then.

Massage?

On our way back to Hanoi we had three hours to kill in Lao Cai before our train departed. We decided it would be a good idea to get massages and started to walk around the neighborhood looking for a place. After a few minutes we found a nice looking spot. We asked how much the massages were and were told they were 120,000 Dong for an hour. That was 30,000 Dong more than massages in Hanoi for fifteen minutes less time. We decided to pass and kept on walking.

After about fifteen minutes I saw a sign that said, "Karaoke and Massages." Ryan, PJ, Huyen and I walked to the front entrance and were greeted by two women. Huyen asked how much the massages were and was told 60,000 Dong for 45 minutes. Huyen negotiated for about thirty seconds and then turned to us and said, "They will charge 60,000 for an hour. But the massages are in the bedroom." This should have been our first sign that this place wasn't exactly legit.

We were escorted up four flights of stairs and taken to a room -- a hotel room. Huyen and I sat on the beds while two girls looked at us oddly. We were sort of confused on what we should be doing. But we weren't the only ones. The "masseuses" looked even more clueless than us.

Long story short, all of us ended up getting massages by girls who had never given a massage in their life. The girl who massaged me literally just rubbed my shoulder-blades for 45 minutes, only taking a break to crack my knuckles. It took me, oh about thirty seconds to realize we were in a whore house and clearly these girls first clients who didn't have sex with them. I was pretty horrified at the situation but kept giggling to myself since Huyen had no idea what was going on. She was actually enjoying her terrible massage.

The highlight for me came when a third girl walked into the room and said something in Vietnamese. Huyen turned to me and asked, "They want to know if you want two girls."

Meat Chopping Contest

In Bac Ha we stumbled into one of the weirder things I've ever seen. The market was closing down but in the back corner was a large cheering crowd. A bunch of the local ethnic people, clearly slightly inebriated, were participating in an odd sport. Basically the men were wagering on whether someone could chop through a huge hunk of pork fat. From what I could make out these were the rules:

1. You bet on how many attempts at swinging the cleaver you get.

2. You must chop completely through the pork fat. You need total separation.

3. If you can chop through the pork fat you get the money AND you get to keep the pork...even though it was covered in dirt from flying into the ground.

The whole event was sort of like the wood (or was it concrete?) breaking scene in Karate Kid 2 (or was it 3?). Anyway, watch this video. It's ridiculous.

My New Pants

(PICTURE: My new pants.)

I'm not much of a souvenir buyer but I ended up getting something up in Sapa.

After exiting the cave to China we were confronted by an old Hamong woman who invited us into her home. We knew that she just wanted to sell us stuff but the desire to see inside her home outweighed the annoyance of more harassment.

The women basically lived in a big barn where she slept, cooked and raised a dozen or so pigs. She told us that we could buy a pig for around $3. That was for one of the big adult pigs. Strangely the smaller baby pigs were more expensive. Apparently they are more delicious. Ryan asked the woman if we bought a pig could she cook it for us. The woman said no but that she'd put it in a bag and we could drive it back into town and have someone cook it at a restaurant. We passed on transporting the pig in a bag.

It only took a couple of minutes before the woman's girl friends came over and started to try and wheel and deal. Nothing interested me except the clothes they were wearing. I asked, "Do you have any pants?" Huyen translated my question and moments later the woman was handing me a pair of hand-made pants from her closet. The pants actually fit and despite -- a) the fact they they have no pockets b) I'll never actually wear the pants -- I bought them. They cost me about $15... or roughly 5 large pigs.

PJ's Accident: The Sequel

(PICTURE: PJ after being cleaned up and bandaged)

On our second day in Sapa we decided to take a four hour road trip to Bac Ha, a mountain town famous for its Sunday market. We departed around nine in the morning for the northwest town. The first hour was spent in cruise control as we glided down the 36km mountain we had climbed up the day before. After going through Lao Cai -- and asking directions about ten times -- we jumped on an amazingly smooth highway. The stretch of road was far and away the nicest road I have seen in Vietnam. It seemed even nicer after five minutes of cruising on it when it abruptly ended and turned into the worst road I've ever seen.

I had heard that the road from Lao Cai to Bac Ha was under construction but hearing that and seeing it are two different stories. The road was a disaster. The whole thing was a stretch of deep pot holes mixed with gravel and dusty air...oh, and GIGANTIC CONSTRUCTION TRUCKS coming at us from both directions.

After about twenty minutes on this road, and passing many trucks, I made another passing move around an enormous garbage-truck-like vehicle when I heard Huyen scream, "PJ! PJ!" I looked in my rear view mirror and through the dust could see PJ picking himself up off the ground. I immediately pulled off to the side of the road and said, "I think he's alright. I could see him getting up." Well, PJ was basically alright...minus a hole bunch of cuts and scrapes.

For those of you who are counting, yes, it was PJ's second one-vehicle accident in as many days.

(PICTURE: Road Rash anyone?)

We were basically in the middle of nowhere when this happend yet somehow a half dozen people came to the road within twenty seconds of the accident. One family escorted PJ into their roadside shop which became our make-shift emergency room. Huyen washed off PJ and with the help of the random lady, cleaned PJ's wounds.

(PICTURE: Huyen cleaning PJ and the family who helped us out)

Just a thought that I think is pretty amazing. It's wonderful how wounds heal both literally and figuratively. PJ's father served in Vietnam during the war. Just think that only about 40 years later, PJ was in the same country, in "enemy territory" being helped/clean/treated by the same people who we fought against not so long ago. Call me a sap, but I think that says something great about the human spirit. Clearly if this family were Americans they'd be Democrats.

If you're wondering how the bike was, well, it was only slightly wrecked. PJ broke the gear shifter and a couple other little things. Luckily in Vietnam, repair shops are seemingly every 100 yards or so. After PJ was repaired, Huyen rode his bike to the nearby shop and had that repaired too.

As they say, "Third time's the charm." PJ, bloody wounds and all, insisted on getting back on his bike and riding it to Bac Ha. He made it the rest of the way without a problem. However, my ear has ached since from listening to Huyen say to me 1,000 times, "I'm very scared for PJ. I'm very scared for PJ."
(PICTURE: Getting the bike fixed)

Sapa Grill

Before my trip my students told me that Sapa was famous for two things:

Famous Thing #1: The Love Market

Supposedly every Saturday night ethnic boys come to the market to find their wives. When I say "boys" I mean boys. The grooms-to-be are fifteen years old. And well, their wives-to-be are even younger -- they're thirteen. I was told that the boys come and play traditional ethnic instruments and then walk up to a girl who they like and tap their foot on top of the girl's foot. If the girl taps the boy's foot back they're a couple. If she doesn't, the boy is rejected.

Despite all the hype about the love market, it just wasn't what it was cracked up to be. We saw four teenage boys playing traditional instruments but no girls in sight. Huyen told us that times have changed and now the boys go somewhere to look at pictures of the girls. If they like the girls I guess the girls are then showed pictures of the boys. Yeah, it's only a couple of years before internet dating hits the ethnic tribes.


Famous Thing #2: The Sapa Grill

All around the center of town people set up shop along the edge of the street to sell grilled stuff. Basically they grill everything. The standard items were eggs, sticky rice, pork, chestnut-like things and sweet potatoes. However, once in a while something a little odder would show up on the grill. For example, before we knew it, we were grilling up tiny birds from the forest. The birds were so small that three of them fit on one skewer. The feathers were plucked but that's about all the preperation there was. Once the birds were grilled we just popped them into our mouth.

Check them out in the video:



PJ took a bite of his and then gave it to me. I think the brains oozing out of one on the grill kind of turned him off. Can you say "rookie"?

Rice Fields and Water Buffalos

(PICTURE: Our unofficial tour guide)

Using our extremely unreliable tourist map we headed out to some "ancient stones" out in some rice paddies. The views were amazing but what was really amazing is that you literally couldn't go anywhere without an ethnic person trying to sell you something. As soon as we parked our bikes this adorable little girl (who was way to young to be shlepping her adorable little brother on her back) started to follow us:



After about ten minutes of winning us over with her cuteness she pulled out a bunch of trickets. I was a sucker and bought a "hand made" wallet...which I literally saw thirty others just like in the village.

Here's a nice video capturing the whole scene:

Tunnel To China

Remember when we were kids we were told that if we dug a hole deep enough we would end up in China? Well, we found that hole and it does go to China.

Long story short: We rode our bikes to a small ethnic village where we were immediately harassed by dozens of women to buy hand-made souvenirs. After buying a few things Huyen told us that there was a cave at the end of the town. We jumped back on our motorbikes and drove to the cave.

When we arrived outside the cave we were immediately harassed by dozens of little kids, who I could only assume were the children of the women who had just harassed us. Like mother like son. The kids were all peddling flashlights to rent for the cave. After some tough negotiations we each got our own flashlight AND a kid to be our tour guide. I had assumed the cave was just a few feet deep but before we knew it we were climbing up walls and following a tiny underground stream. After going for about fifteen minutes Huyen told us that our guide wanted to know how much father we wanted to go. We naturally asked how much farther we could go. That's when we found out this ridiculous fact -- THE CAVE GOES TO CHINA.




Rather than risk being turned around at the other end for not having our passports, we decided to go back. But come on, are you serious! We found a tunnel to China!

PJ'S ACCIDENT

(PJ's busted front tire)

My good friend JR Young wrote me a week or two ago in response to my blog post about my first accident. He told me that he was glad my accident was a small one since, "It's said that when riding a motorcycle it's not "if" you'll get into an accident, but "when"."

Well, PJ's "when" happened a lot faster then my when. PJ's "when" happened about ten seconds after getting his bike. Apparently -- and of course I was to blame for this -- he didn't know you needed to lean your body when you wanted to turn.

Here's the aftermath:





Somehow the people who rented the bike to PJ didn't see the accident. This is amazing since he couldn't have driven more than 50 meters.

Ironically, or probably not so ironically, every other person who ran over to see if PJ was okay happened to own a nearby motorbike repair garage. Huyen told us it would cost PJ about $80 to fix the bike if he brought it back to the rental place or he could fix it for around $25 if we brought it to a garage. We brought it to a garage and PJ spent the rest of the afternoon on the back of Ryan's bike as his was repaired.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

(PICTURE: Huyen, Ryan and PJ in our sleeper compartment)

...or in this case Trains, Automobiles and Motorbikes.

Instead of hanging around in Hanoi for the full week PJ was visiting we decided to take an adventure up to Sapa and the northwest mountain region of Vietnam. Sapa is famous for its ethnic villages and cool temperature, two nice changes from Hanoi. To see all the sights though is quite a transportation intensive trip that involves three parts:

PART 1: THE TRAIN

We took an overnight train from Hanoi to Lao Cai. One interesting thing about the train is that it literally cuts through people's backyards. Check out this video where you can see glimpses into houses and restaurants:



PART 2: THE SHUTTLE VAN

Once we arrived in Lao Cai we were greeted by a shuttle van driver. The Driver was arrainged for us by the hotel Huyen booked. We all piled into the shuttle van and began the 37KM drive up along the edge of the mountain to Sapa. After about five minutes Huyen started to feel car sick. Yes, she's like a real August. For those of you who don't know my family's history I can sum it up with two anecdotes:

Anecdote 1: Every family vacation growing up involved a road trip. I don't believe we ever made it past our town border -- and definitely not our county border -- without my Dad having to pull over so my sister could puke her guts out. My brother, the lucky bastard, would then get to sit shotgun for the next six hours while I got the pleasure of sitting next to my vomiting/vomit-smelling sister.

Anecdote 2: My brother, mother, sister and I all puked our faces off on a boat somewhere in the Caribbean as my sadistic father laughed maniacally that he was the only non sick August. This story could/should be a blog entry on its own but thinking about it makes me nauseous AND my father has probably told you this story already if you've met him for more than twelve seconds.

Anyway, here's Huyen with her puke bag:



In the end, Huyen hung tough and didn't throw up.

PART 3: MOTORBIKES

To really see the country one needs to get on a motorbike and navigate around the dirt roads to get to the small villages. The only problem is PJ had never written a motorbike before and well...it didn't go well. It went so not well it deserves it's own entry tomorrow.

My Sweet Sexy Voice

(Recording my sweet voice...)

Being a good friend, I had to put PJ in his place this week so his head wouldn't get too big. Sure he's on a hit TV show in America, but he's still a few years away from international fame like me. I mean, lets be honest, a lot of people know him in North America. But me, I'm known (according to google analytics) in 35 countries. I'm basically like Bono.

A few days before PJ arrived I was asked by my friend Tu if I could do an English voice-over for a movie. I immediately said, "You want me to do a voice-over? I have a horrible voice." Tu disagreed with me and said my voice was, "Very nice." For those of you who haven't watched my video postings let me inform you that:
a) My voice is not very nice.

b) My voice is somewhere stuck between puberty and a high baritone.

c) I have a borderline speech impediment with the letter S.

I told Tu he could probably get someone better for the job but he didn't want to hear it. He told me a time and place to be and said I'd be paid a million dong for my effort. That's about $60...or $60 more than I ever thought I'd get to do a VO.

The day before I went in to do the VO Tu sent me the script and the video. What was the project? Well, it was basically an infomercial for some Vietnamese steel company. I went into the recording studio and nailed the script in fifteen minutes. By "nailed" I of course mean I gave a reading that will surely turn off 87% of watchers of the DVD. I asked for a copy of the movie when it's done and will be sure to post it.