The Second Conditional

Tonight I taught the second conditional to my Pre-Intermediate 3 Teenager Class. If you don't know what the second conditional is don't feel bad -- I taught myself the second conditional about fifteen minutes before class started.

Basically the second conditional is this simple formula:

IF + subject + past simple, Subject + would + infinitive verb....

After I teach a grammar point I always ask my students to think up a sentence using that grammar point. I then go around the class to make sure everyone understands what we just learned. Well, here were the first three examples I got from my students:

1. If I (subject) had (past simple) a gun, I (subject) would kill (infinitive verb) everyone here.

2. If I (subject) were (past simple) you, I (subject) would kill (infinitive verb) myself.

3. If I (subject) had (past simple) an army, I (subject) would destroy (infinitive verb) America.

Yes, each one of these answers in America would surely lead to expulsion/police surveillance/heavy psych medications. However here all the other students just think it's hilarious. I laughed too but it was definitely a nervous laughter.

I did feel a little more at ease a few minutes later when the student who said #3 answered the question, "If you could live anywhere, where would you live?" with this response: "If I could live anywhere, I would live in the White House." This made me think he didn't hate America/Americans that badly....although as I'm typing this it occurs to me that he'd probably live there after he destroyed America.

Big Announcement

There is a big announcement in this video clip. Get ready!!!!....and no, Huyen and I are not engaged.

Gas Prices

The other day I talked with my parents who complained about the soaring gas prices in the states. Well, the price of gas has just sky rocketed in Vietnam too. Last week it cost me 50,000 Dong to fill up my motorbike. That's about $3.00. Well, this morning I filled up my bike and it cost 70,000 Dong. That's about $4.00. That's a 20,000 Dong/$1 increase in a week. That's huge!

While at the gas station I talked to my favorite Gas Attendant who I have the same conversation with every time:

ATTENDANT: Where are you from?
ME: Mie (America in Vietnamese...one of the few words I know although I think I'm spelling it wrong here.)
ATTENDANT: How long you been here?
ME: Three months.
ATTENDANT: What do you think of Vietnam?
ME: I love it.
ATTENDANT: Oh!!!! (Then then turns to the attendant to his right and says something in Vietnamese which I'm pretty sure means, "The American loves Vietnam.") We then say goodbye...and have the same exact conversation one week later.


By the way, reason #4,289 why I love 'Nam: Like New Jersey someone has to fill up your gas tank for you.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

One of my worst nightmares is coming true -- gossip magazine have made their way into Vietnam!

The Salter Sisters left a couple magazines here and Huyen found them. Next thing I know she's going to be asking me about Britany's babies and whether or not Tom Cruise is gay.

Where are the Culture Police when you need them! (FYI, the Culture Police are the policeman who come into the bars every night and kick everyone out at midnight...unless they're paid off).

Dinner With My Students

It is tradition at Language Link to take your students out for coffee or dinner after your last class. Well last week I finished two classes which meant two dinners. Here's a few pictures I took both nights with some classic/random music to guide you along the way...

Anxious?

Apparently I'm not the only person in my family who has the travel bug. Look who else is looking to get out of her surroundings to see a new world:




Let me know when you want to visit Uncle Ben in 'Nam, Lilah!

Flag Ceremony

Every night at 9PM a giant crowd gathers to watch the flag taken down in front of Uncle Ho's Mausoleum. Here's a quick recap of what happened when I went:

Worm Noodles

The other night Huyen took me out for one of her favorite dishes: Worm Noodles. Yeah, it is just like it sounds. It's noodle soup with worms. Or if you're a pessimist, it's worms with noodle soup. Being the fearless adventurer I am, I had to try it.

Vietnam's Funniest Home Videos

I caught this little comedic nugget on film the other day. I'm submitting it to Vietnam's Funniest Home Videos:




What's funnier than the kids falling is the fact that there are a bunch of upper age teens competing against kids who are clearly under ten.

Belated Thank You

You'd think after seven years in "the industry" I'd be pretty good at putting together videos. Yeah, not the case at all. However, after a few months in Hanoi I've finally figured it out! Check out the movie: "A BELATED THANK YOU"

Circle Painting

On Sunday Anna and I had an hour to kill before meeting Ryan's class at the bowling alley so I suggested a walk around Lenin Park. Immediately upon entering the park I knew something was different. Usually the park entrance fee is 2,000 Dong (roughly fourteen cents) but on Sunday it was 10,000 Dong. At first I thought the park cashier was trying to rip me off , but in the end it was worth every damn dong.

Anna and I happened to stroll into an event called "Circle Painting." (http://www.circlepainting.com -- Dad, take notes. This could be a great event in Livingston). Basically tons of people paint on a canvas together and then the art is auctioned and donated to "poor children." After further investigation it turns out the poor children are kids who are born with a cleft lip and the money is given to operation smile -- a very worthy cause. (http://www.operationsmile.org)


(PICTURE: A circle painting done by children. The adult ones were about six times larger than this.)

Anna and I decided to participate and were given a number. Because we were American and totally awesome they decided to give us #23, like Michael Jordan. The only problme with #23 was that we had to wait about an hour or so before it was our turn to paint. However, waiting an hour was no problem since all the workers kept grabbing us to participate in different events. Basically we became free white models. We were escorted back and forth to different games/events going on and were followed by a camera crew and our own papparazzi. Okay, that's not totally true. Anna was followed around while I just stood to the side and giggled. Supposedly she was on the Vietnam News that night.

My favorite part of the day though was when one overly eager worker insisted Anna and I join a painting contest. We obliged and walked over to the contest...which consisted of a dozen or so Elementary school children painting with water colors. We entered the contest and began to paint as well. Three hilarious things then happened:

1. A gang of little girls came up to me and said, "Your painting is so ugly. So ugly!!!"

2. The "MC" came up to me with a microphone to interview me. The problem was the microphone wasn't connected to anything. Literally she was just holding a microphone and asking questions.

3. After we finished our paintings the "MC" told us to come back in half an hour for our prizes. I asked her, "You're going to give us the prizes instead of the children?" She looked at me and said, "Maybe." My initial reaction was, "AWESOME! First the blog award and now a painting award. I really do rock."...but then I said, "I think you should give the kids the prizes."

Salter Sisters Part II

Those long time ahoyhanoi fans might recall my journey through Australia back in February. Those were the days before the awards and the glitz and glamor so I know it's kind of a blur.

Well, if you recall, I stayed at the house of my friend Lily Salter in Perth. While there I quickly befriended the whole Salter family including Lily's sister Ana (we talked every morning when I woke up freakishly early and she was preparing to go to University) and her heart-breaking/finger biting dog Reuben. Here's the link to that posting:

http://ahoyhanoi.blogspot.com/2008/02/perth-land-of-sun-love.html?showComment=1203974340000

Well this past week the Salter Sisters dropped into Hanoi to spend some time with me. Some highlights included:
1. A ridiculous amount of eating.
2. Full body massages. The Salters had two in 72 hours.
3. Huyen getting her first massage ever along with us and declaring after, "I feel like I have new legs."
4. Seeing the maturation of Lily. In one week I only saw her eat one booger versus the one per hour in Australia.
5. Becoming a full on Xe-On driver. I drove Anna all over the city while recruiting Ryan and Huyen to drive Lily. At one point though I had no back-up driver and drove both of them on my bike....which I later found out is illegal....despite everyone doing it all the time in the city.
6. Getting two flat tires. Coincidence or was this directly related to #5.
7. Drinking more coffee than I have since I first arrived. Lily would average about 5 Vietnamese coffees with condenced milk per day.
8. Karaoking with my Pre Int. 1 class. The boys were in 7th heaven hanging out with the Aussies.

Yesterday Lily took off to meet a friend in Thailand to go trekking. This to me is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard since Lily is the most notorious lazy person on the planet. Once again you long time blog readers may recall me bitching about renting a tandem bike with Lily in Rottnest Island, Australia. (http://ahoyhanoi.blogspot.com/2008/02/rottnest-island.html)
She literally pedaled for about five minutes over a five hour period. Anyway, here's us at a cafe talking about Lily's upcoming trip. I've put 3:1 odds down that Lily will quit the trek by day three.

Where Them Chickens At?

Last week Huyen excitedly told me, "I've got two new roommates. They are chickens." Naturally I was very confused until she explained to me that she and her roommate(s) (they have an extra girl staying in the apartment for a few weeks) bought chickens so they could have fresh eggs every morning. Yeah, that's right. Her 4x10 apartment is now also a farm.

Well, I noticed when I went to pick her up the other day to take her to the hospital that the chicken were nowhere to be seen. Turns out, the extra roommate left them outside while she wasn't home and they were promptly stolen. That's right, someone stole their chickens! My guess is that the person who stole my laptop, cameras, ipod and cell phone also go their fresh egg layers.

All this lead to me saying something on Thursday night that I never thought I'd say. I was at a dinner with some teachers and someone was talking about how their roommate had his motorbike stolen. The conversation turned to robberies in Hanoi and I promptly said, "Yeah you've got to keep everything locked down here. My girlfriend just had her chickens stolen."

It's Official: I'm The Best!!!!!

That's right, confirming what most of us have assumed for twenty nine years, I'm officially THE BEST!

www.expat-blog.com -- the foremost authority on expat blogs on the web -- just named me Blog Of The Month. This is an Oscar, an Espy, a Grammy, an Emmy, A WGA award thing, and a swell pat on the back all wrapped into one. When I started blogging at the gate at JFK airport back on February 2nd, nobody thought this would ever be possible. We proved them wrong, didn't we?

There are a few people I'd like to thank for this award. Firstly, I couldn't have done it without you God. Thank you and god bless you, God. You're the man, God. For those of you who don't know, God has been talking to me directly about my blog over the last few months. He's a busy man between talking to George W. and the other things he does so I appreciate his candor and honesty whenever we get on the phone. Secondly, I've got to thank my parents. I remember when I was blogging on my Apple IIe as a pre-teen and my father said to me, "Son, nobody knows what blogging is right now but one day they'll know. And they'll know your name. But until then go cut the grass." And I remember when my mother said to me, "You should have a blog like Hannah's marathon blog." You were right, Ma. I'd also like to thank my brother and my sister for being so gracious over the years despite knowing that I was the best. I'd like to thank my friends for reading my blog...or at least pretending to. Yeah, especially you, Shronald! I'd like to thank Olivier at expat-blog of the month for his extreme wisdom in realizing the pure genius of www.ahoyhanoi.blogspot.com. I'd also like to thank Ryan for being there for me the last few months even when the blog entries weren't flowing. I'd like to thank Steve for leaving me his camera which has allowed the blog to be what it is. I'd like to thank the robbers who stole all my stuff, yeah you guys too, for being part of the story. I'd like to thank the guy across the street who never wears a shirt and always looks at me with crazy eyes when I leave my apartment. I'd also like to thank my literary managers who literally don't read my blog but have stuck with my script writing over the years. The Timberwolves, my LA ice hockey team. The Williams family. Grahame Fraser and his better half JC. My college friends' coworkers. The people in many nations who I've met along my journey. Man, I knew I'd forget some names so I wrote a few more people down. Hold on, hold on.... I'd also like to thank the man who serves ice tea on the street in the alley by my house who always yells at me, "Me Vietnam! Me Vietnam!" He's helped keep me rooted. I'd like to thank the cockroaches and the rats and the spiders and my landlord who spies on me. I'd also like to thank my students who have taught me as much as I've taught them. I'd also like to thank America for being you. And finally, since I hear the music playing, I'd like to thank Huyen. Huyen, without you this award couldn't be possible. This blog is as much about you as Hanoi. Sometimes ex-pats get sucked into an ex-pat community but spending time with you has allowed me to feel like I'm not actually just living in Korea Town in LA. So thank you.

I RULE!!!!

Tour Of Huyen's Apartment

Along the Pacific Coast Highway in California is a very famous tourist attraction called Hearst Castle. It was a house that belonged to William Randolph Hearst. The place is ridiculously large. Its so large that the castle offers four or five different tours of the place since you couldn't possibly see the whole estate in one visit. So, I thought in the spirit of Hearst Castle I would give a tour of Huyen's apartment which is a tad smaller than Hearst's...

LOOK AT THE LADY OVER MY LEFT SHOULDER!

Just like the title says, look at the lady over my left shoulder in the video. She is just a small example of what the hospital was like yesterday. It was hell! We went to the Hanoi Eye Hospital where they, well, just deal with eyes. Everyone at the hospital had some kind of funky eye thing going on: pink eye, droopy eye, big eyes (like Huyen), conjunctivitis, lazy eye, funky puss leaking looking eyes, lack of an eye/s, etc.

Some observations:

1. They have "observation rooms" where people need to stay for a few days to be watched by doctors. These rooms sleep about ten people on cots. The cots have no blankets or pillows. The rooms have no TV or any form of entertainment.
2. The hospital was -- what's a good adjectve for really really really really dirty? -- filthy.
3. I was by far the only non-Vietnamese person there. This was felt triply by me since many people would stare at me. And well, since it was the eye hospital they would get up really really close and stare since they had eye problems.

Turns out Huyen had some kind of, "reaction to the environment." I asked if it was allergies but she said she really wasn't sure what the doctor told her. He did give her a prescription and her eyes are already looking better. Now I'm just curious how my eyes are going to look because clearly I'm getting something from going to that hospital!

Big Eyes

Huyen called me last night:

Huyen: My eyes are very big.
Ben: Huh?
Huyen: My eyes are very big.
Ben: Huh?
Huyen: They are very red and hurt very much.
Ben: Oh, do you have PINK eye?
Huyen: No, BIG eye.
Ben: Pink or big?
Huyen: Big. My eyes are very big.

I texted her a few minutes ago to see how she was feeling and to see if her eyes were little again. She wrote back:
TEXT FROM HUYEN: They are bad. maybe i have to go to hospital this morning. can you ride me there?

I'm off to the hospital!

Translation

Vietnamese people love to talk on the phone at restaurants. It's just something they do here and don't consider it to be rude. Well, I still consider it to be rude so I put my camera in Huyen's face the other day while she was on the phone. I then had a Vietnamese friend translate what she was saying to me and do a voice-over. After learning what she was saying, I can't be that upset since she had such nice things to say:

Who is this man?

The other day I had the following conversation with Huyen:

BEN: Do you know what a Jew is?
HUYEN: Not really.
BEN: Do you know what the difference between a Jew and a Christian is?
HUYEN: (shakes her head no)

To be honest, I found this really refreshing. Huyen is technically Buddhist but doesn't consider herself to have a religion. This is very similar to me who considers himself a Jew by tradition but an Atheist in belief.

Ironically later that day Huyen and I went for a walk by one of the only churches in Hanoi. Watch the video, it's classic:

Tighty Whities

Ever wonder what happened to tighty whities? Well wonder no more. Last night I went to a sauna with some local Vietnamese guys from my ultimate frisbee team. We walked into the locker room and BAM every guy was prancing around in tighty whities. It was like 1986 in there. Even weirder was that I quickly noticed that people were looking at me as if I was a freak. I'm pretty sure it was because I was wearing boxers.

Why Pay For Dry Cleaning?

After lots of scrubbing Huyen saved my pants and 97% of one shirt. To get out the other 3% from the shirt she took out a bottle she bought from the store and said, "This will get the rest of the color out." She put the liquid on my freshly saved shirt, began to rub and took out the last of the pen...as well as all of the color from the shirt. The special liquid was bleach. Hey, at least the pants were saved!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!

About a month ago Ryan did a load of laundry and left a pen in his shirt pocket. Result: one stained shirt. Since then I've been extra careful about only putting a few articles of work clothes in the washing machine at one time. Well last night, high on spicy curry, I put basically ALL of my clothes into the washing machine. Oh, I also left a few pens in my shirts/pants. Yeah, not just one pen but three pens. Three FREAKING PENS!

All of my clothes have stains on them. Some small, some large. I just googled online how to get ink stains out. The #1 way was to use Oxy Clean. The #2 way was hair spray. I went to the supermarket and of course they don't have Oxy Clean. I called Huyen and had her tell the workers my situation. They told her, "in Vietnam we don't have things strong enough to get ink out." I told Huyen I needed hairspray or nail polish and she laughed at me and said that wouldn't work. I was on my own. I found a tiny thing of hairspray and just got back to my apartment. I put hairspray on one shirt and immediately the ink stain started to come out...and spread all over the shirt making it twice as bad. I went back online and read another article that said to, "Make sure you put a rag under the shirt and blot it out a little at a time." Now I know why. Oh, did I mention I also put back in two pieces of clothing with hairspray on them in the meantime? Guess who is going shopping this weekend?

Jealousy

The problem with giving shout-outs or putting video/pictures up of friends is that it naturally causes some jealousy. Yesterday I received countless emails (two) asking why they hadn't been featured on the blog yet. Ahoyhanoi envy is just one type of jealousy. Then of course, there is the old fashioned jealousy. Yesterday Huyen read my blog about wanting to kiss the Statue of Liberty on July 4th and this is what she said:

Yeah, that's right, she's threatening to shoot the Statue of Liberty. What are the odds the Immigration and Naturalization department will one day read this blog? Or worse yet, Homeland Security?

By the way, have I always had a speech impediment?

This Could Be You!

No, not a greying 29-year-old who still thinks it is cool to wear a backwards baseball cap. And no, not a man who works in sports yet could never win a full set in tennis against me. And no, not someone who can't afford ANY decorations for their wall.

What I'm referring to is that you could be video-chatting for free with yours truly. All you need to do is get skype and a video phone. Well, that's if you're a guy. If you're a girl and not a blood relative you also need to get some sexy lingerie. Alex put on the sexy lingerie after I turned the camera off...and surprisingly he looked better than you would think...

Lonely Planet

The book on the left is far and away the most common book you'll see in Vietnam--The Lonely Planet guide. This isn't a Lonely Planet endorsement by any means since for the most part I disagree with many of its food recommendations. This is purely a comment about the cover. I've talked to more than a few tourists/backpackers who have mentioned the odd cover choice. Most travel books usually have a very recognizable landmark or unique cultural image on the front cover. The 'Nam book however has this random woman having the time of her life on some green train. I've heard it said a few times, "I've never seen a green train like that in Vietnam." Well the other day I was waiting at a train crossing when this steam rolls by:

Okay, only half the train is green and there's no cute Vietnamese girl laughing her face off but it's close. 

WE WON!!!!

Look at this picture and honestly tell me you think we lost the war. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!! PART II

(PICTURE: Look at the way all those pervs can't keep their eyes/cameras off my sweetheart.)

I'm sorry, Huyen, but how HOT is this chick?! She goes by Lady Liberty. Check out those legs! And look at the way the light hits her face. Damn! She's also French and yet still has hairless armpits!  Man, it doesn't get hotter than that. It's July 4th in Hanoi so if I see her I plan on giving her a big sloppy French/American kiss....

All you can eat Burgers and Budweiser today! Man, it feels good to be an American!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!

(PICTURE: I love America...but maybe my friend Mark from Camp Airy loves it a little bit more...)

Hey, England, how'd it feel to get your ass kicked!!!! Happy Birthday, America!!!

Although technically Hanoi is 11 hours ahead of the East Coast in America, for the fourth of July we're a good twenty four hours behind. The big July 4th celebration here isn't until tomorrow evening.

Yeah, that's right, there is a July 4th celebration in Hanoi. The irony couldn't be thicker. My personal theory is this: The Vietnamese get to say, "The Americans beat the British and we beat the Americans so we're stronger than the Americans and the British." Regardless tomorrow night I'll be chowing down on burgers and downing beer at the American club telling tall tales to some British expats about when my great-great-great-great Grandma single handedly killed a legion of red coats.

Pig Bird

On Wednesday one of my Pre-Intermediate 1 students asked me, "Do you know pig bird?"
Naturally I thought she misspoke so I asked her to repeat her question. She once again said, "Do you know pig bird?" Still thinking she misspoke I wrote the word "pig bird" on the white board. The student excitedly nodded her head and said, "Yes, pig bird." She then said something in Vietnamese and all the students in my class started rambling in English, "pig bird." I asked the class what a pig bird is and one of the better speakers said in broken English, "when pig bird fly over house you die." I asked her to elaborate more but the language barrier was too great. There was only one thing to do--ask my Upper Intermediate class.

I brought the question to my UI students and the girls explained that when a pig bird flies near your house and sings it means someone is going to die. More or less the same explanation. The guys in my class began to yell out that it wasn't true -- a superstition if you will -- but the girls continued to defend it.

I asked if the pig bird looked like a pig but was told it only sounds like a pig. Yen, one of the pig bird defendants, began to make pig noises: "Yeeee Yeeee Yeeeee." Oh, for those of you who don't know, animal noises are different in ever country. If you try and translate the word dog by saying, "Woof Woof", people will have no idea what you're talking about or possible think you're describing a chicken. One of my favorite things to do is ask my younger students what noises a ____ makes and hear the response (Yes, I'll eventually get this on video).

Anyway, I'm now terrified of seeing a pig bird because, well, I don't want to die. I asked an artist to draw a picture of the bird so I can avoid it at all costs or at least attempt to shoot it with some kind of projectile if it flies over my house. So visitors if you come to 'Nam look out for this:

Rainy Season

It is currently the rainy season in Hanoi. When I first heard about the rainy season I pictured it just consistently raining for a couple months straight. However that's not how it works. Basically it'll just be hot as hell here and all of a sudden the sky opens up and buckets of water drop from the cloud. The downpour is followed by gigantic strikes of lightning and ear shattering thunder. The storms last from anywhere between twenty minuets to a couple of hours.

This video (which you really can't see any of the rain but can hear it pretty well) was shot while I was writing at my computer. It was a normal day and then WHAM it became dark out and heavy rain began to fall. There was a ton of lightning which was bad news since I had to drive to work for my 4PM class.

In the states it is slightly nerve-wracking driving in a lightning storm despite being grounded in your car with four rubber wheels. Here it's just a tad scarier when you're riding a motorbike, completely exposed to the elements. Despite the two rubber wheels I'm pretty sure you'd be toast -- literally -- if lightning struck you.

Perspective

Now this is a small spider:




In the end, I let the spider live. However, I'm pretty sure a salamander/lizard ate it a few minutes later. Yeah, that's right we've now got salamanders and lizards in my house. I swear I feel like I'm living in biblical times and the ten plagues are upon us. Just to be safe I'm smearing sheep's blood on the door post of the house -- that's officially my first and last Passover reference.