Ahoy Hanoi!

 84 days, 4 countries, over two dozen cities, countless sketchy meals, two heat rashes, one haircut, twice being called an Osama Bin Laden look-a-like, 10 brushes with death along Vietnamese and Cambodian roads, multiple shark sightings, over fifty hours on buses, a baker's dozen flights, countless new friends, a new cell phone, four potential future Mrs. Augusts, 60+ blog entries, two private karaoke sessions, one eaten goat's brain, one eaten bat, 9 eaten frogs, a billion red hot chilis, 10+ hours of Vietnamese classes, 30+ hours of teaching Vietnamese kids, one night sleeping on bamboo above jumping fish, one dog bite, one soccer match, 14 mosquito bites (with no malaria pills), two cockroaches landing in my hair, two nights of sleeping on a filthy bus (including last night when a woman literally had her kid take a whiz on the floor under my bed), 1+ containers of Gold Bond, twice being caught in a monsoon while on motorbikes, miles of walking with a 80+ pounds of luggage, 6 read books, one heartbreaking hockey playoff series, a trimester for Kathy and Zev, one de-plucked chicken, one free ride in Beijing from a stranger I met on a plane, a hundred offers of drugs and sex on the streets, one world championship of Ping Pong, one new suit, 50+ comments on my blog from my  mother, over a thousand emails from friends (and dozens of offers from strangers who want me to buy Viagra), 1500 photographs, two new pants, four new shirts, one awkward date, three days of scuba diving, and one birthday later, I'm officially in Hanoi. Ahoy Hanoi! 

Steve Is A Much Better Blogger Than Me

I shouldn't have given out Steve's blog site since he's clearly a better blogger than I am. He updates his blog every single day, has more pictures than I do and even stole my #1 fan--my mother. My mom emailed me this morning raving about Steve's blog. What the hell! 

For those of you who haven't seen this picture yet on Steve's blog, this is from last night. Steve said hi to a few girls while we were walking along the Perfume River and then I began to practice my Vietnamese with them. They barely spoke English and we barely speak Vietnamese so it made for a really fascinating conversation. Mid "conversation" I interrupted one of the girls and said, "WHOOOAAAH! Does you're shirt say 'I love cumming?'" Indeed that is what the shirt said.  The girl didn't understand my question and frankly had no idea that her shirt was a lude, sexual reference. We asked to take pictures with her and she was more than happy to oblige thinking her shirt just said something really really clever. Anyway, we had to quickly leave the girls to meet some British girls for dinner (yeah, I know, boring. Who hangs out with Brits while in Asia?). We said goodbye to the four locals and did what any rational man would do after meeting a girl who wears a "I Love Cumming" shirt--we asked her and her friends to coffee today.

Besides being an utterly ridiculous story, this just goes to illustrate my point from the previous blog that some people out here can speak English but can't read or write. In this case, the girl couldn't speak, read or write. 

The Future Mrs. August III: My First Date

(PICTURE: Thuy cutting right to the chase)

It finally happened--I had my first date with a local girl. I met Thuy where I usually meet girls --not the internet -- at a tailor shop. She asked me to buy a suit and I said, "no. I just want a shirt." Behind her look of disappointment was something else, the look of love at first site. 

Thuy is a sweet 26 year old girl whose family owns Peace tailor shop in Hoi An. Immediately upon her measuring me with a ruler I knew I would eventually have to ask her out; she was the first girl ever to look impressed after holding a ruler up to me. 

Despite only ordering a couple t-shirts from the tailor shop, I kept finding myself meandering into the store to talk to Thuy and her sisters/cousins. In between the girls asking me over and over to order a suit, I found out that Thuy was single. I also found out a few other things from her cousin:

1. Her cousin dated her now husband for 2 1/2 months before she kissed him. 

2. Her cousin didn't sleep with her husband until they were married. 

3. Most girls, at least the girls in the shop and some others I've talked to, have only had one boyfriend their whole lives. They meet someone, date them and marry them. No playing the field.

4. Thuy has NEVER had a boyfriend which probably means she's never kissed a guy. AWESOME!

Thuy asked to look at my cell phone and I told her to take my number. She immediately called me so I would have her number too and then I promptly texted her, "What time should we come over for dinner with your family?" Thuy thought it was funny (and probably weird) and wrote me back an hour later, "Sorry my mum busy." I then saw my golden opportunity and asked her to breakfast.  Game on! 

The next morning I woke up at 5AM feeling excited about my date...and since I've been waking up at 5AM every day for some reason. I had time to burn so I went online to see what the Bruins score was...and it wasn't good. By the time I was ready to leave for my date the Bruins had lost 5-0. It was probably a sign that it was going to be a rough morning. 

I picked Thuy up at her shop and we walked next door to a cafe so we could be near the store if her cousins/sisters need her. Thuy started to look at the menu and said to me, "This is the first time I ever eat a Western breakfast." This may seems shocking but really the more you travel in Vietnam outside of the major cities the more you realize every hotel and bar is basically for tourists only. It also wasn't shocking since Thuy has never left a 20 mile radius of her home. Yes, the farthest she has ever gone IN HER LIFE was to Da Nang just thirty kilometers north. (This is amazing to me and is very very common here. Kalak, see "The Future Mrs. August II" had never been to the bottom of the mountain she lived on!). Well, I told Thuy we could go somewhere else if she wanted but she wanted to try the breakfast. In truth I was slightly disappointed because I already prefer eating beef pho for breakfast than traditional American breakfast. Anyway, I started to skim through the menu when I noticed that Thuy wasn't really looking at her menu. It then occurred to me--she can't read. Like many people who deal with tourists in Asia, Thuy can speak quite well but can't read a word. I then promptly began to read her some breakfast choices and she told me to "choose for her." I ordered two different types of omelets that both sounded good to me...and I thought she might like. 

As we waited for the food and I began to sip on a carbonated water (they brought me the wrong drink but I didn't want to complain) I saw Thuy's cousin run out from the shop and frantically wave over at us. I pointed out her cousin to Thuy and she told me she'd be right back. She got up from the table and sprinted over to Peace. I waited patiently for her to come back...and then waited some more...and then some more...and then some more. About ten minutes passed before I thought, "This couldn't be any worse." Well just then this drunk a-hole strolls into the cafe, sits down with some friends and basically screams, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. MY TEAM JUST WON GAME 7." The dick was a Montreal Canadians fan. I then had to listen as he recapped the whole series to his friends who clearly couldn't care. It was torture. What was even more torturous was that the food arrived and I was starving. I tried to wait for Thuy but my stomach was growling and I wasn't sure if she was coming back. So I did what any gentleman would do--I cut both our omelets in half and split them on the plates. I figured Thuy would want to try both omelets...and I really wanted some of each.  After staring at the food for another few minutes I texted Ryan who was nearby making a call to his parents: "Want an omelet? I have an extra." Ryan didn't write back so I started to eat. I finished my plate and was about to eat Thuy's too when she ran out of the shop and back to the cafe. She apologized, sat down, and with a look of utter confusion/puzzlement/wonder looked at her plate and inspected the two omelets as if there were some strange foreign substance in front of her. Her expression was how I felt I looked whenever I saw cockroaches on sticks on China. Thuy stabbed the omelet with a knife, tasted a tiny little piece and said to me, "You can have half of mine." She gave me the mushroom and cheese omelet and told me, "This one would make me fat." Man, girls are the same everywhere. 

Shop Till You Drop!

(PICTURE: Getting my foot measured for my custom made shoes.)

Two nights ago Ryan, Steve and I took an eleven hour sleeping bus from Nha Trang to Hoi An. I use the word "sleeping" very loosely when talking about the bus since we were jostled back and forth at every turn and the bus honked its ear-drum shattering horn every time it passed a motorbike or car. After stealing a few hours of sleep we arrived in Hoi An at 6AM and checked into the first hotel that we were harassed to stay at.

Hoi An is a really small city but packed within it are over 400 tailor shops. Basically you can walk into any shop, point at a picture from a magazine and the tailor will make you an exact copy with whatever fabric you choose. Because this is my birthday week (and I'm going to need some nice clothes to teach in) I decided to splurge and gave myself a budget of $250. Well, $250 goes a long way and thus far I've bought:

1. A brand new suit and shirt

2. Linen Pants. Yeah, I don't know why since I've never liked or owned linen pants.

3. Two shirts in the style of my favorite button down shirt (two big breast pockets and lapels)

4. Handmade black dress moccasins.

5. A pair or slacks. 

Well, shopping is exhausting. I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about all these years. Somehow I managed to stay awake the hole day but not everyone was as fortunate. At dinner Song began to nod off and had to take a walk. The fresh river air didn't wake him up because when we went to drinks he proceeded to pass out every ten seconds. I've got about ten videos of him nodding off but unfortunately whenever I try and upload them some message comes up in Vietnamese. The only words I recognize are the first two, "Xin Loi." It means sorry. Clearly something isn't working with the video. Hopefully I can figure out the problem so everyone can enjoy me dancing over a sleeping Song. 

Off to pick up some clothes! 

My Mule

 (PICTURE: Song wearing the bare essentials)

Steve Song arrived yesterday. Steve (MPE '90, MPMS '93, LHS '97, Columbia '01) is a childhood friend of mine who quit his job and started a blog. Yes, I am his role model. For those of you who wish to read another perspective of 'Nam over the next month while he's here, please go to: www.songeruncensored.blogspot.com 

But who the hell cares about Steve Song? What's important is that my mother filled his bag with pills and powder for him to take over to Vietnam for me. Yup, that's right, he's my mule. 

Mom sent over the Costco sized Gold Bond along with two bottles of ADVANCED Immodium AD. It's what us pro's use. My butt should be well protected for the next few months until my next mule/visitor arrives. 

Off to Hoi An. 

Oh, GAME 7!!! Let's go Boston!!!

Breakfast

For those of you who didn't believe item 7d on the last post, this is a picture of Lee after he shot the bat with his slingshot. The picture is blurry but you get the point. 

And yes, it was delicious. 

And no, I don't know if it had rabies. 

The Country

(PICTURE: Just another day plucking chickens...)

BEST DAY AND A HALF OF MY TRIP. 

I arranged to meet Hien and Ryan in Nha Trang, Vietnam's major beach town, this past weekend. Of course I wanted to see them but really I just wanted to meet Hien's Dad who lives out in the country. The trip could not have been more memorable. Here are the highlights:

1. After much argument Ryan and I convinced Hien to let us rent our own motorbikes for the drive. I practiced riding in the alley of my hotel for about five minutes before I said, "screw it" and jumped in to the streets. Within the first thirty seconds I had a near accident with a bicycle rider who made a left turn directly into my lane. Despite having never driven a car with gears, let alone a motorbike, I did a pretty good job. 

2. After Hien and her cousin Lee (it's a nickname which means hard-headed) met us at the hotel, we took off for the 70km ride to meet her dad...we got about 1/2 a kilometer before Ryan turned to me and said, "I really need to fill up with gas." Five seconds later I turned to look at Ryan but only saw him in my rear-view mirror--his bike had run out of gas. 

3. After filling up with gas we hit the road again. Within fifteen minutes we were on a major highway headed towards distant mountains. Highway driving was easy except when a giant truck/bus/van/etc. would come up behind you blaring it's horn (it's the law here to honk your horn when passing motorbikes) or even worse, when a giant truck/bus/van/etc. would come right at you in a traditional game of chicken. 

4. We finally turned off the highway and drove through country roads...and then turned on to even more country roads...and then onto even more country roads.  We passed rice fields and sugar cane plantations and occasionally schools where children would run out and yell, "hello!!!" Slowly the paved roads became less paved until they were merely dirt roads lined with bumps, pot holes and cow feces.  Eventually we arrived at Hien's Dad's house. Now when I say house I really mean a bamboo dwelling built over a large pond.  You see, Hien's father retired a few years ago and lives in this structure raising fish. The house was half Robinson Crusoe and half the fort Mike Levy and I built in my backyard as a child. The place had no power outside of a battery that hooked up to lights, no toilet, and well, no real floor. The fish would literally jump up underneath you while you sat/slept. 

5. This trip was really special for Hien too because she doesn't get to go home very often and see her father. Usually when she comes to Nha Trang she has to babysit her students and doesn't get the chance to venture off to the country. Ryan and I aren't like her usual students and wanted to the country to be our trip. Hien was more than happy to oblige. She phoned her father the day before we took the trip and he was extremely excited. He told her, "he wouldn't be able to sleep that night (except of course in Vietnamese)." Hien's Dad was amazing and completely welcomed us into his home. He immediately offered me the best seat in the house--a lawn chair. He also shoved his hunting rifle into Ryan's and my hands and had us play with it. (no shots were fired from the gun, just from my camera). 

6. The trip was only supposed to be a day trip. However, it began to rain in the late afternoon and Hien informed us that, "if it rains a lot we can't go back. The river will flood." Well, it didn't stop raining so we slept at the house. It was my first time: a) sleeping on bamboo b) sleeping above thousands of fish when not in a boat c) sleeping with a mosquito net. Despite all that, I got eight hours of sleep which is by far the most I've gotten since my travels began. 

7. The absolute highlight of the trip was the eating. Besides a few vegetables and a little meat Hien bought at the market, every meal consisted of things found around the house. This included:

a) Fish caught in the pond. 

b) Sugar cane cut from the surrounding grass.

c) Frogs snatched mid-jump.

d) A bat Lee shot with a sling shot. Yes, a bat. 

e) One of the chicken's Hien's dad was raising in the backyard.

To sum up point "E": Ryan casually asked if we could eat a chicken for dinner. Hien then asked her father who promptly walked into the "backyard" and grabbed a chicken. Like a pro, he cut the chicken's throat (plenty of picture of this that might be too graphic for some of my loyal ahoyhanoi viewers) and held her down so she wouldn't "run around like a chicken with its head cut off."  Hien then placed the chicken into a bowl and poured boiling hot water on to it to help the plucking process. Well, the boiling hot water works because the chicken was quite easy to pluck. I should know since I plucked about 25% of it. Yup, that's a first for me....