Banh Chung

Banh Chung is to Tet as Turkey is to Thanksgiving. Around Tet, one starts to notice green squares all over the city. Inside these green squares is Banh Chunh, rice filled with pork and green bean paste. I'm pretty sure it is a fact that every single person in Vietnam -- minus potential allergies -- eats Banh Chung during the lunar New Year. Like turkey though, families usually have an excess of this traditional holiday food. This means that one ends up eating Banh Chung at every meal during and after Tet. Like turkey, people find creative ways to prepare Bang Chunh so it doesn't feel like you've eaten it every time you've opened your mouth. My personal favorite way of eating Banh Chung is having it friend. Steamed Banh Chung isn't so bad either.

When I returned to Vietnam, I told Huyen that I was oddly craving Banh Chung. It had been a long time since I had any and for some reason my taste buds were desiring some. Many times on the street before Tet I saw Banh Chung and had the will power to not buy it. It was a good move on my part. I'm pretty sure if I ate any Banh Chunh prior to Tet, I literally wouldn't have been able to stomach eating it for roughly 13 out of 15 meals.

The Lunar Calendar

This year I noticed something that I didn't last year -- Vietnamese have two calendars in their heads. I always knew that in Vietnam the lunar calendar was important but I didn't realize people actually always knew what day it was on both calendars. Maybe this just happens around Tet but I kept hearing people say, "Today is the X" when it was clearly Y. Finally I saw a calendar on a wall and noticed that both Western and lunar dates were on it. I've seen these calendars many times but never before noticed the dual dates:

(PICTURE: The big date is for the Western calendar and the small date is for the lunar calendar.)

I'm a monkey?!

(PICTURE: Huyen's sister eating a stick of sugarcane.)

I hope I can do this blog entry justice because it was definitely a "had to be there" moment. Well, here goes:

I was standing downstairs at Huyen's house when her mom walked up to me and curiously grabbed some strands of my chest hair that was showing under my v-neck shirt. This alone would be funny to me but sadly it has happened a few times to me in Vietnam. What happened next though was classic: Huyen's mom turned to Huyen and Huyen's sister and said something in Vietnamese. Both girls started laughing and then Huyen said, "My mom says you're like a monkey." Naturally I started to laugh but also defended myself by saying, "I'm a monkey? Look at Hoai! She's crouching on the ground, chewing on a stick. She's a monkey." Hoai, Huyen's sister, was at that very moment in the "Vietnamese crouch" chewing on sugarcane (see the picture above). Then it seemed like a chorus of Nguyens yelling out, "No you're a monkey!" I again defended myself by pointing the finger: "I'm a monkey? Your father climbed a tree to fetch fruit the other day! He's a monkey."

Yes, this was the most childish argument I've had since probably elementary school. Forgetting the clearly racist undertones of the conversation, it's just funny to me that Huyen's mother thinks her daughter is dating a less evolved primate.

Ban Lam Gi?

Ban Lam Gi translates to, "You do what?". In Vietnam, this is the question people ask one another to find out what someone's job is. However, when I hear this sentence it always makes me think of those Holiday Inn commercials in which people can do feats that are usually out of their comfort/training zone because they've had a good night's sleep.

Often in Vietnam (and the rest of the world) I think that people have this -- what should I call it -- well-rested self brilliance. Recently during a rough couple of days with my stomach, I started taking a strong antibiotic to kill any bacteria. A Vietnamese guy I know wanted me to drink alcohol with him and I said, "I don't want to drink. I'm taking medicine." The guy then asked to see the medicine so I showed it to him. He looked it over and said, "This medicine will make you tired. You should take another one." I wanted to ask him, "Ban Lam Gi?" but I already knew the answer -- he's an accountant. Shortly after giving me this medical advice he once again tried to get me to drink with him. Some doctor.

In my head "Ban Lam Gi" can be expanded to other things besides jobs. For example, when a guy literally reeking of cigarettes, starts to explain to me how to be healthier, I want to ask "Ban Lam Gi?!".

I have no doubt that some people think I'm a know-it-all too sometimes. In fact, I often feel like a know-it-all; I think that comes naturally with writing a blog for so long. So for now on if you think I have no idea what I'm talking about, please leave a comment, "Ban Lam Gi?".

Big Goofy White Guy II

(PICTURE: Oddly, dressing up like this is the best way not to feel goofy.)

You know that experience you have when you hear your voice on a recording? We all always think, "Do I really sounds like that?!" How we hear ourselves and how others hear us are never the same. This is exponentially true for video.

In 2000, seven friends and I lived in an apartment in Bayswater, London while participating in the Syracuse University study abroad program. During our months abroad we did lots of traveling in England and to other European countries. While I was snapping away pictures on a disposable camera, my buddy Alex was filming with his camcorder. He recently found all the footage and edited it all into an amazing thirty minute piece. While watching the footage I often found myself cringing at just how stupid I looked and acted ten years ago.

However, that was nothing compared to how stupid I looked on Huyen's sister's wedding video from just five months ago! Over Tet we watched the video and I truly am a big goofy white guy. In nearly ever shot that I'm in, whether it be in the foreground or background, I stand out like a giant. I can make a billion analogies but I truly look like Shaq reading to kindergartners. Well, you know, if Shaq was white and all the kindergartners were Vietnamese.

Watching with Huyen's family only reinforces how I feel about watching myself. Anytime I'm on the screen everyone immediately starts hysterically laughing as if I had just told a joke, rather than just sanding still. To make matters even worse, Huyen's sister Huong said to me, "You were more handsome then than now." Besides the fact that I've become uglier in five months, that also must mean I've become even goofier! Thank goodness nobody was videotaping during Tet.

Sexism

One thing I really dislike about Vietnam is the blatant sexism. Sure sexism exists in the United States too but nowhere near the extent that it does here. I've commented in the past how I've gotten annoyed when my female students have told me that women can never be ___ (fill in the blank with a high position in business or government).

At Huyen's house, sexism is always present. Men have their roles and women have their roles (Foreigners have their roles too -- sitting upstairs doing work and not bothering customers). One thing I really hate though is that whenever we sit down to a meal, only the men cheers their glasses. During Tet we cheers for a "Happy New Year" and the rest of the year we cheers "To Your Health." I mean, why can't the women participate in this? It really just makes me uncomfortable as if it is only important for the men to have a good year and good health. Whenever a woman happens to have a drink in front of her, I try and make a point to tap her glass too. This usually gets giggles from the woman whose glass I've clinked.

In Hanoi this is not always the case like it is in the countryside. When groups of friends get together, boys and girls all drink and cheers one another. With family it seems to be another story.

I'm not trying to sound like a moralist but, well, actually I am trying to sound like one. I feel like someone from the future who has traveled back fifty years and can't believe how stupid some things are.*

* This is also how I imagine a present day person would feel if they were to travel back to America during slavery or for that matter, how a future American would feel were he able to travel back to the present time and listen to the gay marriage debate.

The Year Of The Tiger

This new lunar year is "The Year Of The Tiger." Apparently this is a good year to have a son in Vietnam and a bad year to have a daughter. Actually, I was shocked to learn this because I thought Vietnamese people thought every year was a good year to have a son.

One thing you do during Tet is visit other families and friends and have a quick chat and snack with them. Huyen and I went to a friend's house and had a drink with her family. As her mother was pouring wine, her father informed us that there was a tiger in the wine. I laughed at this although I knew he was probably not joking. You may remember last year that while in Babe Lake, I drank wine that had been fermented with bear bones. Well, this was the same deal apparently except with a tiger.

For the record, I'm absolutely against killing tigers or any other non-farmed, close to extinction species. I can only assume that one tiger probably made thousands of bottles of wine but really I have no idea if this is the case. If you're keeping track though, I've now had a tiger and a bear. I'm officially only one blog away from the blog title, "Lions, Tigers and Bears Oh My."

Thankful For The Little Things

I have friends who have dated/are dating/married to girls with some serious perks. One of my buddies dated a girl with a private jet. Another is dating a girl whose family owns a deli (and he is perhaps the only person in the world who likes deli more than me). Another is dating someone with access to season tickets to sports team he likes. Another dates a girl who gets him free clothing (actually I sort of do too with my now never ending supply of socks from Huyen's job). Other friends have moved in with girls with sweet digs and other have dated girls with a car in New York City -- a rarity in Manhattan. Others have dated girls with beach houses or time-shares or just family homes in the 'burbs with a swimming pool. All those things are great, but when I'm in the countryside of Vietnam and my stomach starts to act like Mt. Vesuvius, I wouldn't trade my girlfriend's family's toilet for any of those things.

Eating Disorders

(PICTURE: Huyen preparing a meal at her house.)

I once dated a girl who had an eating disorder. Perhaps I was oblivious or naive but it took a while for me to realize the girl was more or less eating a piece of lettuce for three meals a day. The girl would rarely meet me for meals and would always claim to have "just eaten." Around the time I started to suspect that she had a problem, the two of us went to dinner with my parents to without a doubt one of the most delicious barbecue restaurant in America. The girl, her eyes bigger than her stomach, ordered a BBQ sandwich with a double order of French Fries for her included side dishes. Well, I think she ate one fry and perhaps a bite of the sandwich. My father, being even more clueless about her eating disorder than I was, joked with her about leaving so many delicious fries...which I'm pretty sure the rest of my family divided up and ate.

Anyone who knows me will think it is absolutely ridiculous to think that someone could imagine that I have an eating disorder. I've always been "the garbage disposal" my whole life and have always been willing to give eating anything a try. I mean, I was literally the unofficial taste tester on Fear Factor for a year or so. Well, sometimes when I'm at Huyen's house I feel like her parents think that I have an eating disorder*. Huyen father, like my father, jokes with me all the time about me "not eating." What I'm "not eating" though is fat, bones and other things I find inedible. On top of that they think that I barely eat any food when clearly I'm eating double what everyone else is. The only difference is that while everyone is speaking in Vietnamese, I just eat. I'm also a fast eater so when somebody puts something into my bowl, I eat it. The problem then is that my bowl is empty and everyone starts saying, "You need to eat more!"

I've actually found myself thinking recently that I need to develop some skills to make it appear like I'm eating more. Three that come to mind are:
1) Slow down and chew more.
2) Don't show my bowl. Always keep it in my hand rather than putting it back on the eating mat.
3) Take smaller portions.

I know that when I start thinking like this though it might mean I have a disorder. However, come on, there's no chance I have eating issues...although isn't denial a symptom?

* I'm pretty sure very few people in Vietnam, especially in the countryside, know what eating disorders are. There's no health education and people aren't as image conscious as in the developed world. On top of that, putting food on the table and eating it is very much what people live for in the countryside.

Hope 4 Peyton

I just got an email from my long time reader and frequent commenter Maria. Maria is not only an Ahoy Hanoi fan but she was the first random reader that I ever met in person. Maria came to Hanoi last year and hung out with Huyen and I while she was traveling in Asia.

Maria asked if I could point my readers to another blog that she has been following for some time. The blog was written by a stay-at-home mom in Atlanta who was raising three kids, including one with cancer. Sadly the writer recently had a severe stroke and is currently considered a hemiplegic. The woman's husband has started to write her blog and is hoping for donations to help cover the costs of his wife's rehab. Please check out the site: http://www.hope4peyton.org/

I Can't Dish It But I Can Take It

(PICTURE: The breakfast, lunch and dinner table...or as I like to call it: The place I get laughed at for forty five minutes, three times a day.)

Everyone knows the old saying, "You can dish it but you can't take it." Well, over the last couple of years I've been taking it a ton and barely dishing it at all. This is especially true when I visit Huyen's family. Huyen's family is really sweet and well meaning but man, all they do is make fun of me! Here's five things they mocked me over during my first 24 hours at their house for Tet:

1. Trying to speak Vietnamese: "Oh you tried to say ___ but you said ___. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

2. Trying to help out: "Look how you wash dishes!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

3. My weak stomach: "Oh your stomach hurts! My stomach is fine. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

4. My lack of appetite from #3: "Oh you only ate two bowls of rice and a few pieces of chicken? You're so weak! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Actually, I can only think of these four things. However, they do these things a heck of a lot.

I've learned a lot about myself since leaving America; being able to be laughed at and to laugh along is a skill that I think everyone should have. Personally I'm still working on this skill because after a few days in a row of being laughed at I want to yell, "Lets see how you would do in America!"...and then I remember, Huyen is gonna come to America.

The Sounds of Ha Nam II

I should have waited a night to write that first blog. As I mentioned last year, during Tet I sleep in the same bed with Huyen’s younger brother. On the first night I slept with Su and man, that kid sleeps like an angel. Minus the occasional sharp elbow in my gut, sleeping with Su is like sleeping with a warm, skinny teddy bear.

The sleeping arrangement on the first night was thus:

First floor overhang: Huyen’s parents.

Second floor: Bed 1: Huyen and Hoai. Bed 2: Su and me.

On the second night, things were a lot different. Hoai’s husband took the train up from Hue and Huyen’s other sister Hoang and nephew Viet Hoang joined us in Ha Nam. This totally shuffled how everyone slept:

First floor overhang: Huyen, Hoai, Hoang, Viet Hoang and Huyen’s mom.

Second floor: Bed 1: Huyen’s Dad and Su. Bed 2: Me and Tan, Hoai’s husband.

Tan’s a nice guy and all but Ben August doesn’t usually sleep around with men for a reason. The reason being, guys snore. Holy cow, did I have flashbacks to sharing a hotel room with my snoring family on nearly every family vacation we ever took. Tan, inches from my ear was sawing wood at a pretty high decibel. However, his clearly deviated septum was nothing compared to Huyen’s Dad who’s snoring could be the reason the roosters started crowing at 1:30 AM.

Today I’m going to ask Huyen how to say in Vietnamese, “Roll over!”

The Sounds of Ha Nam

(PICTURE: A loudspeaker that starts at 5AM.)

Vietnam is a place that touches all of your senses. There are beautiful sites, intoxicating smells, wonderful tastes and even new things to touch and feel. However, when you go to the countryside, you realize this is a country of sounds.

I’m an early riser to begin with but when I go to Huyen’s parent’s house in Ha Nam, I take early rising to a new level due to the sounds of the countryside. Last night these are the things are heard:

Midnight: By midnight I’d been asleep for a couple of hours since there isn’t much to do at night in the countryside. However, that doesn’t stop people from riding their motorbikes outside and occasional honking; at who I have no idea.

1:40 AM: The roosters begin crowing. Don’t believe the myth that roosters crow at sunrise. Roosters crow all night long. Sure they crow at sunrise but only because they’ve been at it for five hours.

3:20 AM: A pig starts squealing, its life about to end. If you have never heard this sound you’re lucky. I wrote a blog on this over a year ago. Frankly, there is nothing more horrible than a squealing pig being butchered. Every time I hear it, I wince and promise myself that one day I’ll be a vegetarian. Despite the grotesque sound, I fell back asleep until…

5:00 AM: Vietnam radio begins to blast from the telephone poles. In all the small towns around the country, a radio station begins to play announcements.

5:15 AM: Women do exercise outside. I hear them chanting: “Mot. Hai. Ba. Mot. Hai. Ba” over and over again.

Besides all of this, there is the occasional chatter coming from the streets. People walk by Huyen’s house, talking to one another. All of these sounds, except for the radio station, exist in Hanoi. The difference is that the countryside is nearly empty so all of the sounds are magnified. As you can imagine, I don’t sleep very well when I go to Huyen’s house.

As I’m finishing this blog there is another pig being killed in the distance. Uh.

Honking

I touched upon honking recently but think it really deserves its own post.

Let me start with an anecdote: One day when I was in Koryama, Japan, I was riding my bicycle around the city, enjoying a beautiful autumn day. As I passed through some small alleys I came upon a traffic jam. This traffic jam involved two cars going in opposite directions. You see, some alleys in Koryama are really small and only wide enough for one car to pass. The car opposite of me backed up and pulled into someone's driveway allowing the car going in the same direction as me to pass. As the car passed the other one I heard a loud noise -- a honk.

The honk startled me because it was the first one I heard in months. Literally months. No exaggeration. This honk was a friendly honk to say thank you, but it still gave me PTS-esque flashbacks to Vietnam.

People in Vietnam are honk crazy. Everyone honks all the freaking time making the streets a headache-inducing cacophony of honks and beeps. One time I tried to explain to a class that honking was considered "noise pollution" in some places around the world. This was a hard concept for my students to wrap their head around. Vietnamese are always talking about how they are a developing country and want to be more like the West. One thing they can start with is trying to minimize honking. As I once wrote on here, "people drive with their ears as much as their eyes." Well, what happens when someone goes deaf because a bus honks in their ear to let them know that they are being passed? Huh, what then bus driver?!

Pregnant

People my age are starting to get pregnant and begin their families. Okay, that's a lie; they've been popping out babies for a few years now but I'm still in denial. One big difference between pregnant Americans and pregnant Vietnamese is when they decided to tell people they're expecting. In America, people generally wait a few months to announce to family and friends that they've gotten knocked up. People do this to make sure everything is okay with the baby and often say, that it is now "safe" to tell everyone. In Vietnam it is quite different. The moment people get pregnant they start to spread the word. Once or twice someone has told me that they are pregnant and I've asked, "How many months along are you?" The answer has been, "One."

Assholes

One thing I've learned from living abroad is that there are assholes everywhere. There are assholes of every color, every ethnicity and every religion. There are assholes who drive through red lights. There are assholes who cut people in lines. There are assholes who declare wars based on fake WMD evidence. There are assholes who cheat on their wives. There are asshole expats who act like they're imperialists. There are assholes who show up to town hall meetings and write letters to editors and complain about things they have no idea what they're talking about. There are assholes who yell at children. There are even children who we call brats but are really assholes. There are teachers who are assholes and there are cops who are assholes. There are doctors who are assholes and there a religious leaders who are assholes. The point is, there are a ton of assholes in this world. I rarely write negative blog posts but I just can't help myself today as I just had a great first hand experience with assholes from around the world:

At my gym there is a flat screen TV in the weight room. Today I was the ONLY PERSON working out in the weight room and was psyched because "Red Dawn", one of my favorite movies, was on TV. I started to think about a blog post about "Red Dawn" when a Korean guy came into the weight room. The guy started to work out right next to me. In fact, he was so close to me I visibly craned my neck around him a few times to watch the movie between sets. I mean, it could not have been more obvious that I was watching the television...which makes the Korean guy a total asshole for changing the channel AND NOT WATCHING. Yes, he changed the channel to a soccer match (one that had been played days earlier) and didn't even pay attention to it. What I should have done was say, "Dude, I'm watching Red Dawn and Chelsea wins this game 3-1." However, being a non confrontational person (that's my synonym for "wuss") I shook my head and focused back on working out.

After about fifteen minutes the Korean guy left the weight room while almost simultaneously some meathead Eastern European guy entered. I immediately got up, took the remote and turned the channel back to "Red Dawn"...which was now over and rolling credits. I shook my head again and started to think about this "Asshole" blog as I channel surfed. I found another station that peaked my interest and then sat back down on a work-out machine. Not a minute passed before the Eastern European guy approached the TV and changed the channel. The dude saw me change the channel!! Again, I was non confrontation (yes, a wuss) and just shook my head and started to make fun of this guy in my head since he had exponentially more hair on his triceps then on his scalp. This Eastern European guy, who had clearly used a crap load of steroids at some point in his life, then proceeded to NOT WATCH THE TV. I'm sorry for the profanity but that Korean guy and Eastern Europe guy are clearly assholes. Which proves my point -- assholes are everywhere.

Cleaning Lady

The price of our apartment includes a cleaning lady who comes two or three times a week to clean and to do our laundry and ironing. Personally, I prefer doing my own laundry but unfortunately we don't have a washing machine in our apartment. I feel a little spoiled having a cleaning lady but this is something one gets used to pretty fast.

The cleaning lady is really sweet but she's also really hard of hearing. At first I thought she just couldn't understand my terrible Vietnamese but soon came to realize it was a little bit more than that. One day she was wearing headphones and the music could not have been any louder. It sounded like a boom box was strapped to her ears. Then another time she gave me someone else's laundry and I tracked her down in the building and had to yell "XIN LOI!!! (EXCUSE ME!!!)" at nearly the top of my lungs before she turned around. The final hint that she might be slightly deaf though was when my neighbor said to me, "You know the cleaning lady is basically deaf, right?". I looked at him and said, "Yeah, that makes sense."

I don't want to pick on deaf people but having someone with keys to your apartment who can't hear can be a little bit troubling. For example, the Cleaning Lady knocks on the door before she comes in; I think this is a warning rather than asking permission to come in. Today, I was in the shower and heard the knock on the door. I yelled out, "TWO MINUTES!" but sure enough a second later the door opened and I heard footsteps. Luckily, anticipating her lack of hearing me, I closed the bathroom door. Well, apparently she didn't hear me in the shower either because moments later she started to vacuum. I finished showering, wrapped myself in a towel and walked into my bedroom. The Cleaning Lady, presumably embarrassed, quickly scampered out of the apartment. I guess sometimes it would be better to have a blind Cleaning Lady.

700th Post!!!!

(PICTURE: Me contemplating my first post a few years ago.)

If this post confirms anything, it's that I've spent way too much time in front of my computer over the last two years. Yes, this is my 700th post!!

It feels surreal that I've actually written 700 of these things and well, I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back. I'm really proud of myself for sticking with this blog thing over the last two years. Today my computer ran out of memory (don't freak out, this has happened about fifteen times already) and I had to move some pictures and movies on to my external hard drive. While doing so, I looked back at a whole bunch of pictures from the past ten years. Pictures from a trip to New Zealand with my buddy Chris. Pictures from Croatia, Greece and Italy with my friend Tom. Pictures from RV trips that my gang used to take annually in LA. Pictures of old girlfriends, pictures of concerts, pictures of work trips, pictures of weddings, pictures of...well you get the idea. It was great to think about some of my old experiences but then it hit me -- it would be so much greater if I had written stories and kept journals of those trips and events.

As I get older, my memory is only so good. The beauty of the blog is that from time to time I can go back and read old entries and totally recall what I wrote about. Personally it's an awesome feeling knowing that my whole adventure -- and especially my whole love story with Huyen -- is documented online forever. Right before I left America in 2008, my brother, cousins and I videotaped our grandmother. We asked her a whole bunch of questions so we could always look back on the tapes in the future and show them to our grandkids. I just hope that one day my kids and my kid's kids log on to Ahoy Hanoi and can see exactly how their branch of the family tree came about...

(PICTURE: The first picture that Huyen and I took together...that wasn't stolen by the ninjas.)

Yes, I know by writing this post blogspot will crash immediately and delete all 700 posts.

Package From America

(PICTURE: Me holding my package from Ryan in front of the post office.)

Ryan recently sent Huyen and I a package in the mail. Ryan had gone hunting this past summer and shot an elk. He had the meat turned into jerky and promised to send us some in Vietnam. Well, the other day I got a notice that there was a package waiting for me at the post office. I took the slip of paper and headed to the address written on it (actually, first I took a photo of the paper and emailed it to Huyen at work since I had no idea what I was supposed to do).

The Post Office was as ridiculously unorganized as your imagination might lead you to believe. There were a dozen people trying to get the attention of the only lady working. No, there wasn't just one employee but only one who seemed to be working; the rest were just reading newspapers or napping behind the counter. I attempted to wait in a non existent line until another patron grabbed my paper and served as my agent. Sure enough, after just a couple more minutes, a postal worker showed up with Ryan's box. The box had clearly been opened by customs which made me shocked that there was still jerky inside since I thought for sure the customs agents would have eaten it. Well, the jerky smelled amazing which made it really hard to wait all day for Huyen to come home and share. However, my usually weak will power held out and I waited for Huyen. It's a good thing I did too because as I was about to take the first bite she said, "Wait! There's mold on that!" Sure enough, all of the jerky was covered in mold. I can't put into words how bummed out I was since my mouth had been salivating for months since the promise of this present. I emailed Ryan to thank him for the gift and to tell him about the mold. He wrote back: "Bummer... well, now we know shipping meat to Vietnam isn't the best idea."

Also included in the package was a belated birthday gift for Huyen. Here's a video of Huyen getting the surprise present:

The present is a four person Connect Four! Huyen and I will now be going to bars and challenging other couples to games...

Super Immature Post

This is by far the most immature post I've written. However, I can't help myself. A couple of weeks ago we bought a new cooking tool and well, it's pretty phallic. Every time I see it in the kitchen I start to giggle and I finally had to take some pictures:

If this tool was made in America, I would think that the designer made the shape on purpose. You know, like how the animators for The Lion King drew the words "SEX" into the clouds. However, I'm pretty sure Vietnamese penises don't look like this since Vietnamese men aren't circumcised...which makes the shape of this tool just a funny coincidence...and officially makes me really immature.

My Friend Brett

(PICTURE: Brett and his roommate Rina.)

Many times when I'm doing things in Hanoi, I think of my friend Brett and end up laughing to myself. I love Brett but we're not exactly cut from the same cloth. You see, whereas I'm fine with sleeping in say a Ramada Inn with cigarette stained sheets, Brett would prefer to stay in a place like a Marriott or a Four Seasons. Hey, there's nothing wrong with this and in fact, I know that I'm in the minority. And don't get me wrong, Brett and I have a ton in common...just not when it comes to cleanliness and luxuriousness.

Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about: The other night, Huyen and I went to eat at a local sidewalk duck restaurant. While eating, something caught the attention of my eye. I wish I could say it was a waiter walking by with a chocolaty dessert, but no, it was a large as f&*k rat scurrying across the floor. Then something else caught my attention. Nope, still not dessert but rather another rat. All in all I think I saw about six rats in a one minute span. During this time, as I continued to eat, I thought of Brett and started to laugh to myself imagining him there: "Dude, I can't believe you're still eating with rats running around." I then played out this conversation in my head and justified my eating by saying, "Yes, there's rats on the floor but there's none in the kitchen." You see, with street food restaurants you can see the whole "kitchen." In the case of the duck shop, there was just a BBQ for grilled duck and a glass enclosed stand that was 100% rat free. Being the crazy writer/person that I am, I continued to have a conversation in my head. I thought that I would make the argument that, "I'm sure in NYC some of your restaurants are spotless in the dining room but have rats running around the kitchen. Here's it is the exact opposite. There's rats in the dining room but none in the kitchen. Personally I think this is cleaner."

Literally I had this conversation in my mind as I continued to eat my duck. I think I even had a smug expression on my face as I won the argument in my head...but then one of the workers at the restaurant knocked over a condiment bowl and spoon onto the ground where rats had just been running around. He then smiled at me as if to say, "my bad," and then picked up the bowl and spoon and put them right back on the table -- yes, sans washing.

Immediately I thought to myself, "Okay, Brett wins this argument."

Ahoy Hanoi Shout Out

As I approach my 700th blog, it's nice to occasionally still get some positive feedback about what I'm writing. Sure my mom emails me every day telling me I'm the best blogger in the world --while simultaneously correcting my bad grammar -- and other readers drop me emails from time to time saying that they enjoy my entries. However, it is extra nice when I get a shout out from a total stranger who happens to be a fellow online writer. Check out this article that lists Ahoy Hanoi as one of the 15 Best Expat Blogs.

Please note that the author says the blogs are listed in "No Particular Order." This is very important to note since my blog is the last one she mentions. But hey, there's a reason for the saying, "Save the best for last."*

* Yes, I know this saying was only coined to comfort the chubby kid picked last on the playground.

Computer Efficiency

I've been meaning to write this blog for a long time...so long that I've actually lost the article I wanted to quote from.

When I flew back to Vietnam from Japan, I was given a free copy of the English version of Vietnam News on my Vietnam Air flight. There was an article in the newspaper that really made me laugh and simultaneously shake my head and say, "ah, Vietnam." The article was about computer efficiency in the government. I'm going to completely make up two statistics here but I promise you that they are not far off from the stats that I read. The article said that:

Ridiculous statistic recalled from my memory #1: Up to 35% of government office workers are now using computers.

Ridiculous statistic recalled from my memory #2: 80% of those using computers have reported that their jobs are more efficient.

I recently had to go to a government office and indeed there were no computers. Everyone was using pens and papers and searching for things in filing cabinets. Yes, filing cabinets. Sure, people in the Western World still use filing cabinets but 99% of everything we "file" is online these days. I can assure you after having stood around for twenty minutes as they searched for a piece of paper with my name on it, computers are more efficient. I'm not sure what the other 20% of the people from my recalled stats were thinking.

5 Signs You're Living With A Vietnamese Girl

1. You've got small stools all around your apartment.














2. You've got sandals in your bathroom.

















3. You've got a wash basin to hand wash clothing.


















4. You've got an industrial size rice cooker for just two people.


















5. You've got a metal trunk.*

* I had a trunk when I used to go to sleep away camp. Huyen had one to go to university and now it makes for a great TV stand.

Night Market & Tofu Shop

Despite being here for so long, I still constantly find things and places that get me really excited. The other night, Huyen and I went to this night market to get some food to make dinner:

Every night in Hanoi there are lots of little street markets that formulate after sundown. I took the photo above while Huyen negotiated around the corner. Sometimes I hide out so that we don't get charged foreigner prices.

After we bought a bunch of vegetables we headed to this tofu shop:

This one-man operation is in a small alleyway and sells some of the best tofu I've had in Vietnam (Japanese tofu is still much better). You order how much tofu you want by the length. The man then takes out a ruler and slices your tofu. Each block costs 1,000 Dong. That's a nickel in America.

Big Goofy White Guy

There are countless times that I feel like a big goofy white guy in Hanoi. There are low ceilings here that make me feel like giant, small motorbikes that I imagine appear as if I'm a cowboy riding a pony and packed sidewalks that often have me doing contortions to maneuver around.

The other day took the cake for my goofiness though. After eating lunch at a local outdoor rice shop, I inadvertently stepped into an alley way of wet cement right next to the shop. I only took two steps before I realized that the ground below me was complete mush. It seemed that every person in the shop turned and looked at me during my moment of realization and started to shake their head at the same time. I backtracked onto the solid surface and began to apologize in Vietnamese. To whom I was supposed to apologize I wasn't sure. Finally a woman selling gum on the street began to frantically wave at me to get away. I think she was trying to save me from the construction workers who would not be happy that my size 10.5 sneaker imprints were cast into their new alley.

In my goofy defense, there was no rope blocking off the alley!

My New Ride

Check her out. Ain't she sweet? That's my new bad ass ride. Okay, I know what you're thinking and yes, she is a bicycle.

One of my favorite things about living in Hanoi has always been riding around on a motorbike. However, in Japan I started to ride everywhere on a bicycle and really enjoyed it. Since Huyen has a motorbike I thought that the sensible thing to do was to get a bicycle and to share her motorbike.

Now a few people might be saying, "Ben, didn't you say that you think the most dangerous form of transportation in Hanoi was a bicycle?" Well, yes, I did say that countless times last year. However, after riding around for a couple of weeks I'm going to retract that statement. The fact is that all forms of transportation in Hanoi are dangerous. The one safer thing about a bicycle is that I'm now much taller than motorbikes. I can see over the traffic and people can see me. Now the problem with the bicycle is that it is silent. Most people in Vietnam drive with their ears and not with their eyes. In fact, many people don't have side view mirrors so they only know that someone is approaching when the person behind them honks. I've been doing A LOT of bell ringing with my bike. Oh, yeah, one other disadvantage: I've been sweating a lot on the bicycle...and it is winter now.

20 Months!

Yup, it's another monthly anniversary for Huyen and me. I thought instead of the usual cheesy video I would do something equally cheesy but perhaps hilarious -- I just did a google search for, "20 funny questions about your significant other" and clicked on the first link. Oddly the link only had fifteen questions but here they are:

1. Do you remember what your spouse was wearing the last time you saw them? (Whether it was before one or the both of you dashed off to work, left for a business trip, or left to run errands.) What color shirt, sweater or blouse did they have on? Or, for the truly astute, which shoes were they wearing?

ANSWER: Blue jeans, black jacket, blue helmet, white sneakers, checkered mask.

2. What's your spouse's favorite kind of movie?

ANSWER: Comedy movies and movies that have people dancing. Her least favorite movie genre is horror movies.

3. What were your spouse's favorite TV shows to watch growing up?

ANSWER: None. She had no TV. Actually, I know she had no toilet but she actually might have had a TV. I've got to research this one.

4. What kind of deodorant scents does your spouse NOT like?

ANSWER: No idea. Deodorant isn't used as much here as in the states since Vietnamese don't really sweat/smell like westerners.

5. Has your spouse ever voted?

ANSWER: No chance. There are no elections here except for maybe grade school student council. Actually, I've got to ask if they have that here.

5a. Do you know who they voted for in the last election they participated in? (Be it a local one, one of the recent presidential primaries, or the last presidential election.)

ANSWER: N/A. Her first election though might be for an American Idol when she comes to the states.

6. Do you know if your spouse has a blog anywhere on the Internet?

ANSWER: Some might say that ahoyhanoi is really her blog since, well, what man writes monthly anniversaries.

6a. If they do have a blog, what was the last thing they wrote about?

ANSWER: N/A but she has commented on my blog quite a few times.

7. What is your spouse's favorite candy?

ANSWER: Huyen prefers fruit.

8. Which type of chocolate do they prefer? (Milk, white, dark.)

ANSWER: Whichever I happen to be eating and she can steal.

8a. If they like chocolate, do they have a favorite chocolatier?

ANSWER: Not that I know of but reading that question makes me want to show her Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory.

9. When was the last time you watched a sunset together?

ANSWER: In Myanmar this past summer.

10. When was the last time you caught a sunrise together?

ANSWER: On the train to Hue for her sister's wedding...although I think Huyen might have been sleeping which probably doesn't count. Otherwise I can't think of any which is strange since we're always up before sunrise. Sadly in Hanoi you can't really see the sun.

11. When was the last time you used your spouse's nickname?

ANSWER: I have a hard enough time pronouncing her real name let alone learning a nickname!

12. When was the last time you paid your spouse a compliment? What was it?

ANSWER: Every day I compliment her that she has great taste in men.

13. Do you remember the last time your spouse cried and what made him or her cry?

ANSWER: Yes. You can read the funeral blogs from a few weeks ago.

14. Do you remember the last laugh you had together and what caused it?

ANSWER: I've never laughed with anyone as much as I laugh with Huyen. This morning we laughed about the card game we played last night. I had a come from behind victory in Gin Rummy 500.

15. Do you know if your spouse has ever had a professional massage? Do you know if they even want one?

ANSWER: We have had quite a few massages together in Hanoi. She had never had one before but now loves them.

Okay, that wasn't too bad.

Happy 20 Month Anniversary, Huyen!

Wedding Season

(PICTURE: Huyen with her friend Ha and her now husband.)

In America the prime wedding season seems to be during Spring, but here it is definitely in Winter. The Vietnamese love to get married right before Tet. It seems that Huyen has a wedding to go to every other day and sometimes twice in a day. I'm always really interested to hear about couples getting married because often they've only been dating for less than a year. Huyen actually went to a wedding recently where a couple had only been dating for a month! This might sound crazy but...well, it is crazy to me still. However, Huyen once told me that Vietnamese people believe you should get married fast so that the greatest part of your love is after you're married. I guess that sort of makes sense. As an American with our high divorce rate, I think it would be foolish to pass judgment on another country's wedding customs.

This past Sunday and Monday I went to two weddings with Huyen. One wedding was for her childhood friend Linh and the other was for her friend Ha. Here's me looking like a giant with both brides:

(PICTURE: Linh and me.)

(PICTURE: Ha and me.)