Speaking Vietnamese

Without a doubt, my biggest regret during my time out here is that I haven't even come close to being able to speak Vietnamese. I've tried to learn but clearly haven't tried hard enough. However, not being able to speak Vietnamese makes for some funny stories. Or I should say, having a limited Vietnamese vocabulary makes for some funny stories.

Case in point: For a couple of weeks I would go to this cafe near my house to write. The owner there is very friendly and would always smile at me whenever I came in. However, I haven't been back to the cafe recently because I've just been too busy. The other night, Huyen and I were walking back from dinner and passed the cafe. The owner was outside and smiled at me and gave me a look as if to say, "Where have you been?". In response, I said "Nhieu day." I sad this because nhieu means "a lot" and day means "teaching." I was trying to say that I've been teaching a lot. However, I inverted the words and pronounced "day" as "dai" with an up tone. This resulted in Huyen cracking up. I asked her what I said and she replied, "A lot of testicles."

Well, at least the owner now thinks I've got more than two balls. I guess that's as good of a reason as any for not drinking more coffee.

There's a new warden in town...

(PICTURE: Google "female warden" and this is the first picture that comes up.)

You might recall how the embassy asked me to be a warden two days after starting the immigration process. My responsibilities were to call all the people in my district during emergency drills and in case there was a real emergency. Well, a few weeks ago I sent the embassy an email saying that I would be leaving Vietnam and unfortunately had to resign my volunteer position. The embassy sent me a nice email thanking me for my service and telling me to destroy the documents I had.

Well, yesterday Huyen calls me during the day and says: "Guess who just called me?" Clearly I had no idea but guessed someone from America. She told me that I was close. The embassy had called her and asked her to be an embassy warden for our district! This was absolutely hilarious to both of us considering Huyen hasn't even stepped foot in America yet. Huyen proudly announced though that she had just gotten her first US job offer! Of course though she had to turn it down since we're both about to go to America.

Just when you think you've seen it all...

(PICTURE: Take away the towing apparatus, add another bike and a shoe string and that's more or less what I saw.)

After three years of driving Vietnam streets, I was certain I had seen it all. However, in just one day I was shocked to see three things I had never seen before. In the morning, I was headed to work when I pulled up next to a motorbike being towed by another motorbike. This might not seem so strange except for the fact that the bike was being towed by what I think was a few shoe strings tied together. Perhaps even odder, the man on the front bike was probably about 80-years-old. The man on the back, who was holding the string, was probably about twenty.

A few hours later, I was driving down a main road when I saw a guy on a bicycle riding with no hands on his bike. Where were his hands? They were on two other bikes, one one each side of him, which he was transporting somewhere. That's right: One guy riding three bikes at the same time.

(PICTURE: The guy I saw had six wheels on the ground.)

Then only about thirty seconds later, I pulled up to a guy who was driving a motorbike while surfing the note or watching a video on his Samsung Galaxy. That tops texting and driving which 90% of everyone else does all the time here.


(PICTURE: This was what the guy was doing except he was driving a motorbike at the same time.)

Rage

(PICTURE: I think I drank this at the cafe this morning.)

For the first time in I honestly can't remember how long, I nearly blew my top today. Seriously, I felt like I was going insane/having a panic attack/about to rip someone's head off. I literally started shaking a garage door (mine) in anger. Let me try and explain:

The other day I wanted to exit my house but was surprised to find the front garage door was locked and the security guard gone. My first thought was that this was annoying because I was trapped inside. My second thought was - I'M TRAPPED INSIDE!!! THIS IS A SCARY FIRE HAZARD!!! I complained to Huyen (I hate having to do this as much as I hate the fact that I suck at Vietnamese) and she complained to the building. I kid you not, the building manager said that if there was a fire we should hide in the cabinets in the lobby. The wooden cabinets.

When we found this temporary apartment we were told that someone would be at the front desk 24/7. Clearly that wasn't the case that night. Well, it's quickly become obvious that that's not the case all the time. Last night when I came home from work the door was closed and locked again. I called the front desk and nobody was there. About ten minutes later the door person came walking down the street and opened the door. Then this morning I wanted to leave the house at 6:30AM to go to the gym. Again, nobody was at the front desk and I had to wait ten minutes for the door to be opened. Not only is this a fire hazard and annoying but ninety percent of Vietnam is up at 6:30AM, just not the guy who is paid to be up and guarding/opening the front door. However, the final straw that broke my back came today. You see, I had a Skype call with someone in America and because the internet in our building doesn't work (also annoying) I had to go to a nearby cafe. When the call ended, I went home and had to wait 40 MINUTES for someone to open the front door. I called Huyen about five times because the person whose number I have doesn't speak English and kept saying "five minutes" in response to my "open the fucking door!". When the girl finally came, I angrily said, "You can't leave the front desk. It's your job to be here and now you've made me forty minutes late to where I have to go!". Of course she couldn't understand a word and couldn't look sorrier which made me feel like shit for being angry at her. Then, as if I I couldn't feel worse, Huyen called me and said that the girl unexpectedly had her period and had to run home to change clothes (seriously, does that really even happen outside of Stephen King books?). So yeah, now I felt even worse for making a girl feel bad when she's already feeling horrible.

Maybe you think I over reacted. Hell, I think I sort of over reacted...you know, except for the part about being locked out of my own apartment three times in nearly twelve hours. That said, I rarely get angry and I never rage. That's not my personality. I think in the end I was more upset at myself for getting upset than actually being upset...if that makes sense.

I did some soul searching over a caramel frappuccino (Highland coffee, not Starbucks which we don't have in Hanoi) and came to this conclusion: I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about leaving Vietnam. Last night Huyen and I bought our ONE WAY tickets out of Hanoi which I'm sure played a part in triggering this incident. Yes, I'm excited about going home. But at the same time, I've had an amazing run here and there's a lot of question marks in my near future. I have no doubt that Huyen and I will be happy in America but, well, it's just hard to leave Vietnam.

Okay, writing this entry has made me feel better. I knew this blog was good for something...

NOTE: I'm happy to report that this entry was written three weeks ago and I've had no signs of any rage since. That might have to do with there always being a person at the front desk now and the fact that management gave me a 3G plug in for my computer since the internet sucks here and they had specifically told me that it was good when we were thinking of moving in.

How awesome is Justin Bieber!!!!

(PICTURE: THE MAN!!!!)

How freaking awesome is Justin Bieber? Seriously, could this kid be any cooler? He's got it all!!!

Okay, yes, April Fools.

I've been meaning to write this blog for a little while so bear with me on this rant. There is no doubt that Justin Bieber is a talented kid. But here's the thing, he's a KID! I find it a littler perverse how obsessed people are with him. If you're a teenager, yeah, go crazy. Put up his posters and listen to his music. But if you're over eighteen, leave the Bieber-mania to your juniors.

My feelings came to a peak on this the other day when I was working out at the gym and the front desk decided to put on Bieber's album. I'm sorry but I don't want to work out to a teenage boy singing. And frankly, I'd be a little bit concerned about any adult who gets pumped up listening to Bieber.

Okay, that's the end of my rant. It wasn't too bad at all actually. Just do me a favor and turn off the Bieber. Heck if you want to listen to a real child prodigy, put on some Beethoven.

New Neighborhood

(PICTURE: I started off on Doi Can. Then I moved a little east. Then I was near Dong Da Lake towards the south of this map. Now though, I'm totally off the map.)

As I mentioned the other day, Huyen and I had to move to a new apartment for our last month in Hanoi. For those keeping score at home, this is the SIXTH neighborhood I've lived in in Hanoi. Sure, I've lived in some longer than others (two weeks, three months, one year, one week, one year and one month respectively) but they've all been quite different. This new neighborhood is pretty cool. I've got a small lake right outside my front door which is surrounded by cafe (the drawback of this being a lot of mosquitoes). This area of town is also known for its hair salons. There's literally about twenty in the alleys surrounding my place. There's also a little market and some good food stands to explore in the mornings. It's also right near my gym which means I've got no excuses to not work out my last month here.

It's funny but I'm now living on more or less the edge of Hanoi. My street isn't even on some Hanoi maps. I remember a couple years ago, I met some people who lived basically where I'm living. I remember thinking, "Why the hell would you live so far from the center?" Well, I now get it. It's kind of cool being in a totally random neighborhood. It feels, well, like the real city.

CSCD - Uniform Change?

(PICTURE: CSCD at night.)

I wrote a long time ago about the secret police in Vietnam who generally only come out at night. This branch of the military is called the CSCD. To me they're really freaking scary because they're very hard to see since they wear nearly all black uniforms. I guess if you want to be super-secretive-ninja-like you need to blend in with the darkness. However, there's one drawback of people not being able to see you at night -- it's that PEOPLE CAN'T SEE YOU AT NIGHT!

The other night Huyen and I were driving home from her sister's and I caught a flash of two CSCD officers on the main street near our house. Well, the next day there was a big local news story that two CSCD officers were run over and killed by a car right near our house on that main street. I'm not 100% sure it was the same guys I saw but logically they probably were. The two officers were hit by a guy who was driving home after karaoke. I would 100% bet that this guy was drinking and driving which is sadly the norm here...which is even more of a reason for the CSCD to wear brighter uniforms if they're gonna step out into the street at night to pull over cars.

I'm not trying to be funny here because their deaths were tragic. The point is though that these guys need to strike a balance between being stealth and being visible. Like if your mission that night is to double as a traffic cop, put on a fluorescent yellow uniform. If you're just busting drug dealers, then wear all black. Frankly, I'm surprised more CSCD don't get hit by speeding cars or motorbikes all the time.