My Scariest Experience In Vietnam

After leaving the White Thai village we followed the dirt road along the river for another couple of hours. In the next large village there was a fork in the road. We were told to take the high road. While asking directions an elderly local woman jumped onto the back of Long's bike and asked for a ride to the next village. This was a mistake, Long's bike was the least powerful out of all of ours. After about a minute of struggling up the mountain the lady had to get off and walk the hill. No, that's not the scary part of the story.

We drove for about twenty minutes or so and came to another village. Again there was a fork in the road. We stopped to ask for directions and were told that one road led to "Moc Chau" and one led to "Son La." According to the person in Mai Chau who we had met the day before, it was impossible to get to either of those places on the route we were taking. However, the locals insisted it was true and we decided to take the road to Son La.

We crossed a stream and headed up the narrowest, rockiest, dirt trail I have ever been on with my motorbike. The trail cut right through the jungle and was treacherous to say the least. At one point, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, was this sign:

I thought it was a really cool sign because:
a) It was again, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
b) Had no explanation whatsoever.

It was so cool I decided to take a picture with it:

We kept heading along the narrow dirt path and would only occasionally see sign of civilization -- a random biker driving by or a couple huts nestled between mountains.

After a while we came to a third fork in the road in another village. While trying to figure out where to go a motorbike pulled up next to us. On the bike were two 20-something year old guys. One of the guys was an English teacher...although he spoke about ten words of English. The teacher told us that we should turn right to quickly go to Moc Chau or we could go straight with him and "stay at my friend's village." It was starting to get dark so we decided to spend the night at his friend's village. Plus, how cool would it be to spend in the night in the middle of the jungle in a village in "Frontier Country."

Turns out it wasn't so cool.

When we got to the village I felt like an American G.I. marching into Paris after WWII. Everyone from the village came out and gathered around us, jostling for position to shake our hands. I'm 99% sure most of the people there had never seen a foreigner. The excitement of the moment was quickly interrupted when someone told Long that we needed to ask the head of the village for permission to stay there. We had been told to expect this and were suggested to bring some fruit to give to the head of the village. We brought a watermelon.

Dusk was starting to settle in when we got to the head of the village. We had been expecting to go to someone's hut but were actually taken to the local police office. And the head of the village wasn't a tribe elder, he was an army guy. And well, he didn't want a watermelon -- he wanted five hundred thousand dong. This is when it all started to get a little scary.

We were taken into the "police station", roughly a 6 foot by 10 foot hut, and told to sit down. The hut was nearly pitch black. We were told that the power wasn't working. The army guy started to ask Long questions and he did the best he could to answer. If you recall from the other day, Long can speak Vietnamese conversationaly but definitely not fluently. The army guy quickly took Long out of the hut and started to ask him questions one on one around the corner. After a couple minutes Long came back and told us the "fee" for staying in the village -- the five hundred thousand dong.

Before we could pay the fee things started to get a little more intense. The army guy took our passports and started to write down our information in the dark. Every couple of minutes he would stand up, walk to the back of the hut, and talk to a man who was laying in a bed which we couldn't see. The army guy would come back, ask Long a few more questions and then jot down more information.

As we sat in the dark things started to get more complicated. The army guy started to point a flashlight at us and ask the same questions over and over again. Of course Long was the only one who could answer. The conversation was basically this:
ARMY GUY: What are you doing here?
LONG: We were invited by someone on the road. (the guy who invited us disappeared because he wanted to go drink with his friends.)
ARMY GUY: Why are you here?
LONG: We were told by someone in Mai Chau to follow the river and we made some wrong turns.
ARMY GUY: You don't have permission to be here. You can't sleep here.
LONG: Okay, then can we go. It's getting darker and darker.
ARMY GUY: No, you must stay now.

While this conversation was going on -- for about the third time -- more army guys started to trickle in. By the end of the interrogation there were five or six army guys. Each army guy seemed to want to trump the power of the one before him and started to ask Long the same questions. Long, without a doubt, had the worst experience out of the three of us. A couple of times he was taken out of the hut and interrogated by himself in another hut with up to three army guys. From what we could gather we had driven into an area that we are not permitted to go to with our Vietnam visas. We were 17K from the Laos border and the area was off limits. We were told:
A) We didn't have permission to be there.
B) We didn't have permission to talk to anybody.
C) We didn't have permission to take any photos.

Well, C, started to make me nervous. In the first fifteen minutes of the whole experience I had recorded some video in the dark thinking it would make a good blog entry. Well, after they took our cameras from us I started to really panic that they would look at our pictures. I had no idea what footage I had gotten and assumed it was something at least recognizable. At one point the army guy put my camera back on the table and I picked it up. I then asked if I could go take a piss. They had one of the guys escort me to the woods where I took the memory chip out of my camera and stuffed it inside a hidden pocket in my jacket.

After going back to the hut the man who had been laying in the back of the hut got up and started to ask us the same questions all over again. They also wanted to know what our jobs were and whose bikes we had. Nicky and I were renting our bikes which threw them for a loop.

The guy who had been laying down then told us he needed to go through our bags. One at a time we then had to open our bags and take everything out and show it to them. Nicky read them a paragraph from a book he was carrying and I presented them my watermelon...which again, they didn't want.

Once they were satisfied that we didn't have anything illegal they wrote up a document and told us to sign it. I have NO IDEA what it said. The only word I recognized was "Cunt." That's what Nicky signed his name as. The army guy looked at the signature -- clearly didn't know what it meant -- and told Nicky to write the rest of his name. The army guys then took our passports and told us we could sleep in the stilt house of the town doctor.

We were told that we had to stay in the house unless we had to pee and that we could leave at 6AM once we got our passports back. When we left the police station it was nearly 8:30PM. We had been interrogated in the dark, with a flashlight, for THREE HOURS.

The three of us were slightly shaken up by what had happened and just wanted to go to sleep. The doctor's wife made us instant noodles and hard boiled eggs (which they charged us for!) and told us to "relax." As we were trying to relax all of the army guys strolled into the house and wanted to have a drink with us. They said that we should now be friends. We politely smiled and said we just wanted to sleep. What we wanted to say was, "F YOU! We were invited to this village and would have gladly left when we first came if you told us then we couldn't stay. You really want us to drink with you after you tried to scare the crap out of us, went through all of our stuff and were basically a-holes for the last three hours?"

I asked the doctor where I could brush my teeth. He led me to the back of his stilt house. In case you've never seen a stilt house, here's the picture from the other day again:

The doctor's stilt house wasn't as tall as this one but was much longer. To put the exclamation point on the day, as I walked to brush my teeth, I took a step AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR!

I was about waste deep, dangling from the floor when the doctor and another man ran over to help. Unfortunately I don't know how to say in Vietnamese, "Stop pulling me. My left ankle is caught in something." Finally I dislodged my ankle and with their help was lifted up.

I barely slept that night. Every time I nodded off I had a horrible nightmare. At 2:30AM I decided to put the chip into my camera and to look at the footage under the covers. Sadly, the footage sucks:


You can see how dark the room was though. That one light is an army guy holding the flashlight and writing down our passport information.

The next morning I woke up Long and Nicky at 5:45. Long and I went over to the police station to get our stuff. The police started to stall and told us we should have tea with them. We said that we wanted to go. Long had to go to the bathroom and left me alone with the army guys. The army guys opened the cabinet where they had locked our documents and took out our passports. They put them on the table and then started to talk to me. It was clear they wanted something. My guess is they wanted money, perhaps the original five hundred thousand. I just said to the, "I don't understand," reached across the table and took our stuff. I said "thanks" and left the room.

As we were leaving the town on our bikes, the police said something else to Long. He quickly said something back which he translated for us: "I said, 'see you next Tet.'"

Without a doubt this was my scariest experience in Vietnam. I just kept thinking, "Nobody knows where the hell we are. I don't know where the hell we are." That said, as soon as we got back on our bikes and took off from the town we all felt a hell of a lot better... We've been laughing about it ever since. You know that really nervous type of laughter...

Follow The River

(PICTURE: Nicky and Long in front of the river we followed for the next 6 hours.)

Our advice was to "follow the river." We headed out of Mai Chau around 9AM looking for a "dirt path" about 20 kilometers down the road. Eventually we found the path which quickly led to a pretty rickety bridge.


(PICTURE: Nicky crossing the bridge.)

After crossing the bridge we followed a dirt road along the river for a couple of hours. The road was about the width of a car, full of potholes and often flooded. As we rode we occasionally passed small huts and minority villagers. Everyone we saw looked surprised to see us and quickly practiced the one English word they knew: "HELLLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!"

Eventually we came around a mountain bend and saw a large circle of people sitting in a soccer field. We decided to stop for a few minutes to make new friends. A few minutes ended up turning into a few hours. The people were White Thai and were without a doubt some of the friendliest people I have ever met...it also helped that they were drinking heavily. Some of the alcohol was in rice form:
Some of the alcohol was poured out of what appeared to be old gasoline containers:

And some of the alcohol was soaked in bees:

The drinks put everyone in a great mood and we all sang songs together and enjoyed some snacks. There was some mysterious meat jerky that was sitting in front of the circle and was fed to us by one of the local girls. Every time we ate some all of the other people erupted with laughter and applause. Yeah, I'm still wondering what I hate.

After playing around with the "kids" (they were all 19-26) we were brought to the local club -- a hut with a stereo. At the club the town elders came out to meet us. We ended up having some tea (and another drink or two) with a few men including the town doctor, a one-eyed army vet who fought in Laos and Cambodia, and a really nice old man who is officially my new best friend in Vietnam:

(PICTURE: This man literally couldn't stop hugging me...or maybe it was the other way around.)

The couple hours that we spent in the White Thai village were without a doubt some of my favorite moments of the last year. The villagers asked us to stay the night but we told them we had to keep going. This was a mistake...and led to my scariest experience in Vietnam...

The Road Trip Crew

After Mai's house, everyone went back to Hanoi except three of us. The three of us were about to head on what would turn out to be the most scenic, adventurous trip I've taken in the last year. Let me properly introduce you to my two travel mates:

(PICTURE: Long holding the photocopied map we used)

This is Long. Long is a "Viet Kieu" which means he's a Vietnamese person who has moved to another country. Long's family were boat people after the war in Vietnam. They escaped Vietnam, along with three hundred other people, on a boat. Technically Long was born in Singapore on the way to Australia where his family emmigrated to. Because Long can speak conversational Vietnamese he became the default guide on our trip. Unfortunately for Long, this would bite him in the butt about 24 hours after this picture was taken. That post will be in two days and titled "My scariest experience in Vietnam." Stay tuned.


(PICTURE: Nicky.)

This is Nicky. Nicky is always smiling. Nicky is also always late. Sometimes he's three hours late. Sometimes he's five minutes late. Regardless, he's just always late. Nicky and I used to teach together at Language Link. However, a few months ago he switched to the British Council, considered the best/most expensive school in Hanoi. For the record, Nicky's British.

(PICTURE: Me.)

And then there was me...who will look fat in all the pictures from this trip because I was wearing many many layers...and may have put on a few pounds recently.

If you were writing jokes about what happened to us on this trip you would start by saying, "An American, an Australian and a British guy went on a motorbike trip using a photocopied map that was over ten years old..."

The three of us headed to the only destination we knew we were going to -- Mai Chau. I was in Mai Chau a few months ago with my cousin Justin but didn't mind going back because it was so beautiful. Here's some pictures I took in Mai Chau:

(A cow on the mountain near Mai Chau)

(PICTURE: The stilt house we stayed in was to the left of the one in the background. You ahoyhanoi gurus may recognize this one as the one Justin and I stayed in a few moths ago.)

(PICTURE: Nicky and I on a rice paddy.)

(PICTURE: More rice paddies.)
At night while we were walking around Mai Chau we met a really nice Vietnamese guy who spoke perfect English and coincidentally worked with Nicky's girlfriend.

(PICTURE: I took this picture because the man said, "You have no proof you met me if you die on your motobike trip because you took my advice." I said, "I"ll take a picture so we have proof.")

This man told us that if we wanted to experience the "real Vietnam" and not the tourist side like Mai Chau, we should go along a dirt path along the nearby river. He told us that the path was dangerous but that we'd see tons of ethnic tribes. He gave us directions and we all agreed to get up early the next morning and venture along the path...which wasn't on our map...and would lead us to my scariest experience in Vietnam!

The Oldest Village In Vietnam

(PICTURE: The fourth oldest house in the oldest village in Vietnam.)

The second stop on our tour of Son Tay was to the oldest village in Vietnam. We strolled around the village while getting an excellent guided tour by Mai. After asking some locals, we headed towards the fourth oldest house in the village.

The owner of the house invited us inside and told us about the history of the house and his family. He is the 10th generation of his family to live in the house. His children are the 11th generation to live in the house.

(PICTURE: The home owner smoking from a traditional Vietnamese tobacco bong.)

The owner is actually a journalist and lives in Hanoi during the week and comes back to his village home on the weekend. His wife, the art teacher at the school in the village, and his children stay in the village year round. Here's a picture the wife drew of her husband:


As I was walking around the village a strange man wearing a leopard print winter hat gestured for me to come into his house.


I followed him inside and he led me to a little gallery where there were tons of picture of Ho Chi Minh and other famous Vietnamese officials. It turned out that this man was the grandson of the former Vice Prime Minister of Vietnam.

The other strange thing that I saw in THE OLDEST VILLAGE IN VIETNAM WAS this:


(PICTURE: Engraved above the entrance to one of the houses in the oldest village in Vietnam).

Road Trip: Son Tay/ Vietnam Vegas

(PICTURE: Nicky, Long and Me -- the road trip crew.)

The first stop on our five day Tet Motorbike Trip was Son Tay. Our friend Mai -- the head of the Hanoi Ultimate Frisbee club -- invited a bunch of us to her for the second day of Tet. All of us who were going agreed to meet at a shopping center at 9:30 to caravan to Mai's house.

The night before I slept about an hour and a half due to my stomach bug which first started to reer its head at Huyen's house. At 4AM I decided to start a cycle of Cipro and vowed that I would only go to Mai's if her family had a western toilet. At 8AM, approximately after my dozen-th trip to the toilet, I went looking for an open pharmacy. One problem with this quest is that NOTHING is open during Tet. Well, barely anything. As I drove around the city I saw a woman walking into a darkened pharmacy. The pharmacy was definitely closed but I happen to catch the pharmacist coming back to her house/business. I asked her for Smecta (it's like Immodium AD but 100 times better...and that's coming form a lifelong lover of Immodium) and got ten packets. I downed the first dose and decided that it was time to face my fear of a squat toilet.

All of us arrived at the predetermined location at 9:30. Well, all of us except for Nicky. We called Nickey at 9:45 and woke him up. We told him to meet us in Son Tay.

When we got to Mai's house the first thing I asked her is, "What kind of toilet do you have?" She said, "A western toilet." Well, my face must have lit up because she started to laugh. She said she's had never seen anyone so happy about anything in her life. A week later she was still laughing at my expression and told me, "I'll never forget how happy you were about my toilet."

Mai was a great host and took us around Son Tay to a few famous spots. Our first stop was at a pagoda which was holding a Tet Celebration. It turns out that the celebration was the Vietnamese version of Vegas...where the dealers and gamblers were slightly younger than at the Bellagio. There were all these little games for money. Check out this dice game:



I won 10,000 Dong playing this game...which made up for the 40,000 Dong I lost in other -- slight more rigged -- games.

The Best Job In The World

(PHOTO: Help me blog from here!!!)

Over the last couple of weeks I've received about a dozen emails from people telling me to apply for "The Best Job In The World." For those of you who haven't heard, Tourism Queensland is having a contest to become the caretaker for the islands of the Great Barrier Reef.

As many of you know, my time here in Vietnam is coming to an end. I've been contemplating my future and have a few ideas in mind as to where I'll end up later this year after my stint with my family back in New Jersey. However, if I can get the great barrier reef job, that would clearly trump all my other plans.

Having worked in casting for a few years, I know the likelihood of getting this job is slim to none. Tens of thousands of people are applying -- including those of you who are first hearing about this competition on my blog and now are going to apply yourself -- and only one will win. However, as all of my math teachers from Grade 5-12 can attest: I suck at math. I'm not gonna let simple odds stop me from trying!!!

My video application has just been posted:

http://www.islandreefjob.com/applicants/watch/jCnxC5G6s-w

The video had to be one minute or less. Mine is exactly one minute. If you've got the time go watch my video...and hopefully give me a five star rating.

I mean how freaking cool would it be if I can blog for six months from THE GREAT BARRIER REEF!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the help!

Meet The Parents

(PICTURE: Huyen's Dad showing me the house where he was born.)

I've met Huyen's parents before, but Tet weekend was the first time I spent serious time with them. Here's the top ten questions I was asked -- through translation -- by Huyen's Dad.

1. Do you like me? (He asked me this seven times. I said, "I like you very very very much.")

2. Are you comfortable? (He asked me this no less than 200 times)

3. When do you want to get married? (I said, "maybe two years or so.")

4. Who do you want to get married to? (I wanted to say, "Who knows, who cares!" but I thought I should probably say, "Huyen.")

5. What do you think of Huyen? (I said, "I think she's amazing." This was followed up by Huyen's sister saying, "How does she make you feel?" I said, "Really happy." She then said, "I mean do you think she's beautiful?" I said, "Yes, but I'm more handsome.")

6. Do you want beer or wine? (This was at breakfast. I went with wine. It was homemade with mullberries.)

7. Will you please move in to my house and help sell the goods? (I said, "Of course." Her dad then said, "How will you sell them if you can't speak Vietnamese?" Fair point.)

8. Can you support a family? (I think he was talking about if Huyen and I get married and have kids).

9. THIS IS NOT A QUESTION BUT A STATEMENT: Your hands are cold. You are weak. (This was said after asking to hold my hand and being shocked that it was freezing. In my defense, it was freezing out. But yeah, I am kind of weak).

10. Can you kill the chicken? (I said, "Yes, I can. No, I don't want to.")

Question #2 though really shows the type of man Huyen's Dad is. He tried so hard to make me comfortable and was such a great host. He constantly told me that he was happy I was spending time with their family and asked if I could stay longer. One of the other things he said to me was, "Even though we can't talk to each other, you make me feel very good." Well, he made me feel very good too...and not just because I was buzzed on wine and beer half the time.