FLASHBACK: Vientiane

(PICTURE: The most famous Wat in Laos. It's on the currency.)

Vientiane is the capital of Laos. I had heard some negative things about the city including that it was, "skippable" and to spend "no more than a day there." However, like the old saying goes, "Sometimes you need to see something for yourself." Is that how the old saying goes?

Hannah and I had a really good time in Vientiane. We rented bicycles and drove all around the city. Some of the highlights included the Laos version of the Arc de Triomphe. The best part about the Laos arc is the sign on the base that basically tells visitors that the arc is a hideous monstrosity. Here's the sign:

In case you can't read it, it says: "At the northeastern end of LaneXang Ave. arises a huge structure resembling the Arc de Triomphe. It is the Patuxay or Victory Gate of Vientane. Built in 1962 (B.E. 2505), but never complete due to the country's turbulent history. From a closer distance, it appears even less impressive, like a monster of concrete. Nowadays this place is uded as a leisure ground for the people of Vientiane and the seventh floor on top of the building serves as excellent view point over the city."

Vientiane, like much of Laos, was filled with Wats. Wats can start to blend together after a while unless they do something to make themselves stand out. For example, Hannah and I rode our bikes a few kilometers to a Wat that is famous for massages. That's right, massages. I would actually argue that my best massage in all of southeast Asia was at this particular Wat. It would have been a great story if the massages were actually given by monks BUT in fact they were given by laypeople who live on the property. Even better than the massage though was the traditional steam room. Basically a bunch of people sit in a little room with a fire burning below them. The room was filled with smoke and you could barely see your hand if you placed it in front of your face. It was the hottest room I've ever been in but felt really really good.

A small funny anecdote happened at this massage place. Hannah was in the process of getting her massage and I was next in line. The place was really busy and all six massueses were giving massages. While I waited, I noticed this European girl sitting near me. The girl was covered in tatatoos and ear pierces and just observing the scene. The woman who ran the massage center came over to me and said, "You can have your massage in a few minutes." The European girl then said, "Do you need more people to give massages? I'll massage him if you want. I'm certified to give massages." The woman who ran the place turned to me and said, "Do you want a massage from her?" I wanted to say, "Who the hell are you?" but instead I just said, "I appreciate the offer but I want to go with the traditional Laos massage today." It's like this girl ran out of money and was waiting to give someone a massage to earn a couple of bucks. Weird.

At night Hannah and I did what all people supposedly do in Vientiane -- we went bowling. The cool thing about the bowling alley was that it was literally transported from the USA. Everything was from some bowling alley in America. Even the shoes were American sizes. It felt like a little slice of New Jersey.

FLASHBACK: Vang Vieng to Vientiane

As always, Hannah and I had two options to reach our next city.

Option #1: Take a bus from Vang Vieng to Vientiane.

Option #2: Kayak from Vang Vieng to Vientiane...with a tuk-tuk driving us the last two hours.

Hannah and I went with the kayak.

For the most part, because it was the dry season, the rapids were tiny. However, there was one stretch where the rapids were pretty substantial. Our guide told us that 75% of kayaks capsize during this one stretch of rapids. In our group there were four kayaks. The first two capsized. The third, the one our guide was in, made it through without a problem. I'm no math expert but that seemed to guarantee that Hannah and I would be going for a swim. And well, we did. I think we made it about 60% of the way through the rapids when Hannah and I both started to go, "Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!!!." The next thing I knew we were floating downstream.

We ended up stopping for lunch right by the rapids and I thought to myself, "I'll get someone else flipping over so people can see how hard it was for Hannah and I." Well, I videotaped the next kayak to go down the rapids...and they made it without a problem. Okay I thought, statistically the next kayak will surely flip over. Well, I recorded the next group...and they made it too. And so did the next group. Apparently Hannah and I are just really bad kayakers.

Here's some footage of what we went through:

Flashback: Vang Vieng

(PICTURE: The river, mountains and hammocks of Vang Vieng.)

Vang Vieng is a major backpacker stopping point in Laos. It's famous for two traditional forms of Laos culture:

1. Tubing down the river while stopping at bars and drinking (tune in tomorrow for this).

2. Cafes and restaurants that show the television show "FRIENDS" non stop.



The city itself is located in a beautiful area between mountains and alongside a river Hannah and I spent quite a bit of time reading books in hammocks while taking in the scenery.

Overall, Hannah and I didn't love the food in Laos. However, we did go to this one gem of a restaurant (one of Lonely Planets few good suggestions...although they had the name of the restaurant wrong.) that we ate five straight meals at. It was called the Organic Farm Cafe.

FLASHBACK: Tubing In Vang Vien

(PICTURE: Hannah and I on the river.)

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the reasons backpackers go to Vang Vieng is to tube down the river. This activity is one of those things you encounter while traveling that you realize could never ever happen in a 1st world litigious nation. Frankly, this is one of the most dangerous things I've ever seen. It's not that the tubing is dangerous (although it was not the rainy season which meant low water and hence plenty of rocks nailing our butts), it's the things around the tubing that are dangerous.

The river is lined with makeshift bars. As you floast down the river employees from the bars try and rope you in. AKA: Throw bottles at you which are attached to strings. So you get pulled into a bar and proceed to have a drink. That's problem #1: Drinking and Tubing/Swimming.

Problem #2 is that at each bar has some kind of risky thrill seeking apparatus. i.e. A very high rope swing, a zip line, or an extremely fast slide that dumps you out on the river (and hopefully not on to passing tubers).

That said, Hannah and I were game for the danger. You're welcome for not telling you until after, Mom.

VIP vs. Super VIP

Hannah and I had a choice upon leaving Luang Prabang. Did we want to travel to Vang Vieng, our next destination, on the "VIP" bus or the "Super VIP" bus. The Super VIP bus cost about five dollars more than the VIP bus so we decided to pinch our wallets and go with the cheaper option. Those loyal readers may recall that just a few days earlier Hannah and I paid an extra $100 to fly to Luang Prabang. Now we were trying to save $5. Mind you, we had to purchase our tickets in town and didn't actually see what the buses looked like until we got to the bus station. Do you think we made the right decision:

Here's the SUPER VIP BUS:














And here's the VIP BUS:














Our bus had no shocks. Our bus stopped in nearly every village so our driver -- I kid you not -- could pick up his groceries. Our bus picked up villagers who clearly had never ridden on a bus and were seconds away from blowing chunks the second they stepped onto the bus. Our bus had squeaky brakes. Also on our bus the driver ate his lunch while going around the deadliest turns I've ever seen, on the edge of a cliff, above the clouds:



Hannah took about a hundred pictures of the amazing scenery on the drive. Between the exercise of hitting her camera button and not having her Laos coffee for more than two hours, she was utterly exhausted.

GUEST BLOG: A Laos-y Massage

As promised months ago, Hannah was given the huge responsibility of the first ever Ahoy Hanoi guest blog. Enjoy!!!
(PICTURE: Hannah August, guest blogger.)

Hannah here, guest blogging about the worst part of my trip with Ben. No, it wasn't how he would tense up with fear that I would tumble to my death any time we would hike a mountain; No, it wasn't that he claimed his favorite foods were all the meat ones because he wouldn't have to share with me; And No, it wasn't even his incessant need to shower, sometimes even as frequently as once a day!

Sit back, Gentle Readers, and I shall tell you.

Our first night in Laos, Ben and I decided that we would treat ourselves to a massage. I wanted to try a traditional Laos massage, he wanted to do something in the herbal steam arena, so when we found a place offering a Traditional Laos Massage/Herbal Steam Massage Combo Package we were sold.
Clearly blinded by the love of a good deal (thanks, mom), it wasn't until we were led to the actual massage room that we realized our 'spa' was at the back of a restaurant. The room was sandwiched between the seating area, the kitchen and the bathrooms, with the doors facing the hallway that connected the seating area with the bathrooms.

Already uneasy seeing this setup, the masseurs handed us towels and told us to put them on. Mine was damp and had the distinct smudge of a dirty handprint. Why we didn't leave then, I have no idea.

Changed into the moist towel, our masseurs entered and began the "Traditional Laos massage" which really just felt like someone poking at you indiscriminately. Even if the massage itself had been amazing, the atmosphere could not have been less relaxing. Besides the murmur of people eating, the clanging in the kitchen, and the distinct sound of peeing, our masseurs giggled and talked to each other the whole time. It was then I decided when they transitioned between the Laos massage and the Herbal Steam massage I would politely tell them we would have to do the second part another time, and then get out of there asap.

Unfortunately, there would be no transition.

The "masseurs" (who, I should note had the same uniforms as the wait staff of the restaurant- begging the question: Were there really angry customers waiting an hour and a half for their food?) went straight into the herbal steam massage which consisted of taking scalding hot towels out of a steamer and pressing them super hard against our skin. Several times both Ben and myself yelled in pain, but they just giggled and said "sorry sorry" but continued to press the burning hot towels on our skin, in a very non-massagey way.

At one point during this process (I guess I hadn't screamed in a while) Ben whispered to me, "Are you sleeping?" To which I whispered back, "No..." but to which I really wanted to scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW COULD ANYONE FALL ASLEEP DURING THIS?!?!"

Finally over, the masseurs left us in our misery to change back into our clothes, but didn't close the glass doors or the curtain behind them. The icing on the bad massage cake: just then, as we stood in nothing but our damp towels and scalded skin, the restaurant's garbage men walked by.

Now faithful Ahoy Hanoi followers may remember that I got food poisioning in Chiang Mai and ask how this could have been worse than a night in the bathroom and a day passed out with a fever and weakness. The answer is that the food poisioning was free, whereas Ben and I had to pay for this torture. It was the hardest $6 I have ever handed over in my life.

And no, we didn't tip.

FLASHBACK: Swindled By A Monk

On our first night in Luang Prabang Hannah and I went for a walk around the city. As we headed up a small hill we both heard some chanting. We took a right into a Wat and followed the noise to a temple where a dozen monks and novices were chanting. The music was so beautiful that we took a seat and listened for about fifteen minutes:


The next night Hannah and I decided to go back and listen to the music again. We took our seats outside the temple and enjoyed the methodical sounds of the monks. Before we knew it the monks were finishing up and walking out of the temple. One guy -- who later told us he was a novice and not a monk -- bee lined towards Hannah. He started to chat her up as if I wasn't there. My brother instincts combined with the knowledge I gained while being single from 2001-2008 told me that this guy was HITTING ON HANNAH. I don't want to be disrespectful but he was HITTING ON HANNAH! There's no ifs/ands/or butts about it, I really felt like if I didn't pipe in he was going to try and kiss her. For a sober monk he had the look of a horny drunk guy at closing time at the bar.

Before I knew it he invited Hannah (and me with reluctance) back to his room. Yeah, the novice invited us back to his room.
(PICTURE: Hannah never thought she'd end up on a guy's bed in a Buddhist monastery.)












The first thing I noticed when we entered his room -- and I will forever hate myself for not taking a picture of -- was a Playboy picture. No, not an actual naked picture of a girl but a Playboy insignia taped to his wall. I already had a bad feeling about this guy and this started to confirm it. We then took a seat on the novices bed and he started to ask us questions and answer some of our questions. The one thing that really stands out in my head is him telling us about "bad novices" who have gotten kicked out of the monastery. I mean, this guy couldn't have been far behind.

He then started to tell us how he doesn't want to be a monk and wants to be a tour guide in Luang Prabang...and then asked us to buy him clothes so he could become a tour guide. He wanted us to sponsor him leaving the monastery. I wish I had a tape recorder to record the awkward silence that filled the room. To break the silence I gave him five dollars and told Hannah that we had to go.

Yeah, we got swindled by a monk. The thing is though, I'm 99% sure that if I wasn't there he would have tried to make a move on Hannah. I know that sounds ridiculous but it was a "had to be there" feeling. Since that day though whenever I see something like this...

...I wonder if monks have a code: If the robe is on the line, the chick inside is mine.