Chau Yeu Ba!

For a couple of years while living in Vietnam, Huyen's mother and aunt always teamed up to give me a hard time about moving to America with Huyen. The conversation went like this:

Huyen's Mother and Aunt: Don't move to America.
Me: I'm sorry but we're gonna go. I promise we'll visit as much as possible.
Huyen's Mother and Aunt: You found Huyen in Vietnam so you should stay in Vietnam.
Me: Okay, that's a fair point. But I think America has more opportunities when we have children. Plus, did I mention we'll come visit as much as possible? Also, you can come visit us in America.

This last line was directed at Huyen's mother and always got a giant laugh in response. To her, the idea was so far fetched it truly sounded like a joke. If you remember, this is the same woman who had never seen the ocean until we took her to the beach! Vietnam is a skinny country, lined by water on the east, and my mother-in-law had never gone to the beach! The beach is less than hundred miles from where she lives. Compare that to New Jersey which is ten thousand miles away. Yeah, the idea of visiting America was laughable. Was.

There's all types of bravery. My mother-in-law coming to America, truly is a special kind of brave. Despite not speaking a word of English and barely having traveled in her own country, she boarded a Korean Airlines flight two months ago and came to America. To say she was taking a dream vacation would be wrong. She never could have dreamed about coming to America.

The two months that my mother-in-law were here were amazing. It's hard to imagine a home being filled with more joy than having a newborn in it. Yet somehow, our level of happiness was raised each and every day by Huyen's mom.  For Huyen, it was so special to be able to show her mother what her life is like in America. You could see the pride in Dung's eyes all the time. On one of her last days Huyen drove her around my parents' neighborhood. Dung got a little emotional and told Huyen that she was the first woman in their family to be able to drive a car. Luckily she didn't know that Huyen started the car with her foot on the accelerator and "turned off" the car while it was still in drive.  For Shayna, it was two months of being doted over. If you think that you can't spoil a baby enough...you haven't met Dung. Shayna's eyes went wide every time she saw her grandma. The other night we skyped with my mother-in-law and Shayna stared at the computer wondering when she was going to be wrapped up in a blanket. For me, the joy came in watching my wife and daughter spend time with Dung. I kept telling Huyen that her and her mother were like two high school girls when they get together. They were always giggling together and sharing stories. I know half the time they were making fun of me but I didn't care. I found myself always smiling, watching how happy they were together. And as a parent, nothing feels better than knowing your child is loved.  And my mother-in-law LOVES Shayna. As Dung told us many times, she wasn't going to miss me or Huyen, she was only going to miss Shayna.

Huyen and I know that Shayna will probably never remember spending this time with her grandma. Whenever I think about that it makes me sad. Really sad. However, Huyen, Dung and I will always remember it and we'll tell Shayna stories. For the past two months I've kept a journal and can't wait to share it with Shayna one day. Until then, I printed a handful of 8x10 photos of my mother-in-law and Shayna which we'll be putting up around the apartment.

Huyen, Shayna and I live in a one bedroom apartment. Before my mother-in-law came I worried that our apartment would feel very crowded. However, I can honestly say that it never did. Since she left though, it's definitely felt very empty.

We all miss my mother-in-law but are also so thankful that she was able to come here and be part of our lives. And the best thing is, we're already talking about when she'll come again.

Sleep Training

Our doctor encourages parents to sleep train their children around three-months of age. For those of you not familiar with sleep training, it's when you basically lock your kid in their room at night and let them cry it out when they wake up at three in the morning (while you lay in bed feeling like the worst parent in the world and begging the gods of sleep to quickly descend upon your baby's crib). The basic instructions of sleep training are this:

Step 1: Have a nightly routine with your child. i.e. Give them a bath at 7PM, read them a book at 7:30PM, sing them a song at 7:45PM and then put them into bed.
Step 2: Once in bed, leave the room.
Step 3: Don't return to the room until the morning.

We were told that it takes three nights to sleep train your child and to expect them to wake up twice and to cry for about twenty to thirty minutes. We've been pushing off sleep training because it goes against every fiber in my mother-in-law's body. To her, the second a baby cries is a half second after you should have been shoving a nipple/bottle in the baby's mouth. Since my mother-in-law arrived we've talked a great deal about sleep training. When she came with me to the doctor's office I asked our doctor if it would be okay to wait until my mother-in-law left. She said that it would definitely be to late since Shayna would be six and a half months by then (NOTE: I've surveyed a few friends who don't use our doctor and they sleep trained their kids around six months so I'm sure it would have been fine).

To me it doesn't make sense not to sleep train your kid as soon as possible. It's never gonna be easy to let them cry for an extended period of time so why not just get it over with? About a week ago my mother-in-law said to Huyen that we should try to sleep train Shayna. I thought Huyen must have been mistranslating but she assured me she still understands Vietnamese.

This past Wednesday we agreed to give it a try. I emailed our downstairs neighbor and gave them a head's up and offered them a box of earplugs. They declined the earplugs and wished us luck. Believe me, I knew we were gonna need it!  That night we tucked in Shayna at 8PM and had a quick conversation if we should sleep in our bed or in the living room. You see, we only have a one bedroom so we share a room with Shayna. We decided we would stay in the same room but just remain silent when Shayna woke up. Sure enough, seven hours later Shayna woke up at 3AM.  I'm a light sleeper and heard her first little movements. After a couple minutes her whimpers started to build into cries. When they got a little louder, Huyen woke up and I whispered to her that Shayna had been awake for about ten minutes. Right around this time I heard some rustling from the living room and thought to myself that trouble was brewing. A minute later Huyen's mom started to call out from the living room, "Huyen, Shayna's crying." We tried to ignore her -- hoping that she would remember we were sleep training -- but that didn't exactly work. Moments later there was a knock on our door: "Huyen, Shayna's crying." And so much for night one of sleep training. I got out of bed, picked Shayna up and brought her to Huyen for a late night snack. The next morning my mother-in-law said that Huyen hadn't reminded her that we were sleep training that night.

On Thursday, we decided to try it again with a few changes. We put Shayna in bed at 8PM and then ourselves in bed at 10PM. However we decided to sleep in the living room. We put my mother-in-law on the couch and we slept on her Japanese-style floor futon. At about 10:05 I realized that Shayna's crying was nothing compared to my mother-in-law's snoring! For such a tiny, fit woman she sure can make a lot of sounds in her sleep. After finally falling asleep I woke up at around 2:30AM to Shayna's whimpers. Soon Huyen and my mother-in-law were up too and we all laid there as Shayna cried for about twenty minutes. There were a few times it seemed like she was done crying and then after a few silent moments she would cry again with vengeance. At one point she was silent for about fifteen seconds and then let out a series of powerful sneezes. Following that she let out one more cry and then fell asleep until 6:30 in the morning...when my mother-in-law went into the room and took her out of bed!  Despite feeling like a horrible parent, it was a successful night. Shayna slept 10 hours!

On Friday we followed the same routine...including my mother-in-law's snoring. I woke up at 4AM and whispered to Huyen, "Have you heard anything?" She said she hadn't...or at least that's what I think she mumbled. Although it could have been, "Why are you waking me up at 4AM when my daughter is sleeping?"  Well, Shayna ended up sleeping straight through the night until 6:30AM. I can't tell you how proud we were of her. I mean, she's half Asian so she's obviously pretty smart. It only took her a night of sleep training to learn to sleep through the night...

...or at least that's what we thought. On Saturday night we followed the same routine. However this time Shayna woke up at 3:30 and cried for about thirty minutes. Her cries were much louder this time and sounded like she was saying, "Me! Me!" ("Mom! Mom!" in Vietnamese). After about fifteen minutes my mother-in-law started saying, "You should go pick her up." However, we hung strong and after her last cry she slept until 6:45 in the morning.

Last night we slept in the living room again. Our schedule was off a little and we ended up putting Shayna down around 8:45PM. We thought for sure she would wake up during the night because she had taken a very long nap during the day. However, she proved us wrong -- she woke up at 6:45AM!

So let's call it official -- today, on Shayna's four month birthday, she can sleep through the night!!!

Yeah, I know by typing this we're totally screwed.

Welcome Ba!

After a tough end to Shayna's second month, the third month brought nothing but smiles. Sixteen days ago Shayna's ba (grandma in Vietnamese) arrived from Vietnam. The two of them bonded immediately even though her ba kept insisting she was cold, even though she wasn't. For the first week or so we had to battle with my mother-in-law to stop covering Shayna with blankets and unnecessary outfits. My mother-in-law felt cold and assured us that Shayna must be cold too. Every time we turned our back, Shayna would have another layer on. My Vietnamese sucks but there's a few words I can easily recognize such as "lanh" and "ret." Both mean cold. My mother-in-law basically said these words a minimum of ten times a minute. It got so ridiculous that I changed the lyrics to Old McDonald to this:

Old McShayna had a farm,
Ee i ee i oh!
And on her farm she had a ba,
Ee i ee i oh!
With a "ret" "ret" here,
And a "ret" "ret" there,
Here a "ret", there a "ret", 
Everywhere a "ret" "ret". 
Old McShayna had a farm,
Ee i ee i oh!

It's become an instant hit in the house.

Huyen's maternity leave ended last week so it's been just me and my mother-in-law at home during most of the day. Despite some culture clashes, it's been amazing having Huyen's mom here. She's really wonderful with Shayna and has embraced the way we want to raise her. Here's a few things that Huyen's mom isn't used to but has quickly adjusted to:
1. Babies shouldn't leave the house for the first six months.
2. Babies should spend all their time on their back. There is no tummy time in Vietnam.
3. Babies shouldn't use a pacifier or suck their thumb.
4. Babies should spend ALL of their time eating and sleeping. 
5. Babies should be attended to the very second they cry.*
6. Babies should be held until they're fast asleep.
7. Babies shouldn't be comforted by their fathers. That's a mothers job.

*I don't like when Shayna cries but sometimes you need to give her a minute to let out a ten second cry and fall back asleep. For the first few days my mother-in-law would sprint into the bedroom and start clapping and singing right in Shayna's face to get her to stop crying. The problem is that Shayna usually would nap for an hour more after she has her ten second cry. Soon instead of taking three long naps during the day, Shayna was taking five short naps.

The next couple months are gonna be really interesting for all of us in our one bedroom apartment. I've started to call my life's sitcom: "Two and a Half Vietnamese Women."

Shayna's Second Month

People will tell you that being a parent gets better each and every day. Well, that's mostly true except when your kid gets sick. Last Friday Shayna got her first cold. On Monday morning it had taken a bad turn and we went to see our pediatrician first thing in the morning. It turns out that she had RSV which led to bronchiolitis. Shayna was having a pretty hard time breathing but she was still eating. The doctor told us that we could either go to the hospital or keep monitoring her from home. We decided to do the later. However, by the next morning Shayna didn't want to eat and had thrown up twice. We went back to see our pediatrician and she suggested that we play it safe and go to the hospital.

We had been prepared to go to the hospital and had our bags packed. After the doctor's visit we jumped in the car and drove to Hackensack Hospital which supposedly is one of the best pediatric facilities in the country. After a few hours of observation and some unsuccessful nebulizer treatments, the doctor tried a much stronger medicine. Immediately Shayna responded and started to breath better. Soon enough she was eating and crying again (she had been so lethargic she couldn't cry). Her crying-screams really sounded like Mozart at that point. After a few more hours the doctor told us we could go home. Honestly, there's nothing better than hearing your  child doesn't have to sleep overnight in the hospital.

It's been a few days since the hospital and Shayna has definitely rebounded well. She's still a little sick but she's getting better and better every day.  The point is, just when you start to think you've got this parenting thing figured out...you realize you don't have a clue. It's beyond words how much it sucks to see your child in pain...and equally how great it is to see them recover.

Besides that though, Month #2 was fantastic. Here's some highlights...

Shayna Phuong

 

On Saturday January 5th, Huyen and I had our friends Heidi, Seth and Sal over for dinner. The three of them left around 10PM and we went to sleep around eleven. Three hours later Huyen woke up with stomach pains. At first she thought she ate too much but after they didn't go away we cleverly deduced that they were contractions. We downloaded a contractions application on our phones and started to time her contractions around 3:30AM. At first we thought that they must be Braxton-Hicks contractions (AKA "fake contractions") since we weren't due for another two and a half weeks and since the contractions were all over the place -- some fifteen minutes apart, others just two minutes. I told Huyen to take a warm shower and made her a smoothie to help her relax. We then started to watch a DVD the hospital had given us that we were waiting till the last minute to watch. We got about ten minutes into the video when Huyen's contractions started to become five minutes apart. Our doctor had told us that this was the time to start heading to the hospital.

Huyen had packed her hospital bag weeks earlier and it was in the trunk of our car. As we got ready to leave I asked her if she packed anything for me...she hadn't. So I quickly threw a few things together...and then a few more things -- including our backgammon board -- thinking that we'd be at the hospital for a long time. When I finished packing the bags, Huyen had her most painful contraction yet; she literally bent over in pain and had a tear coming down her face. At this point I was 100% sold that we were having our baby since Huyen is one of the toughest people I've ever met.  We quickly went down the stairs of our building and I ran to get the car. When Huyen got in I called the doctor's office and was told that the doctor would call us back. Thankfully it was 7:30AM on Sunday morning so there was no traffic at all going to the hospital. We arrived at St. Barnabas thirty minutes later and as I pulled into the lot my phone rang. It was a doctor (not our doctor or any of the ten from his practice) asking us what the situation was. I told him we were having contractions four minutes apart and he said to come to the hospital. I told him we'd be right upstairs.

After checking-in, the nurses examined Huyen and told her that she was six centimeters dilated. It was almost go time.  At this point Huyen was so nauseous and in so much pain that she couldn't speak. She went probably three hours without saying a word. Actually the only time she spoke was when I was coaching her to breath. She turned her head and looked at me and said, "DON'T BREATH IN MY FACE!" She didn't say anything else again until she had her epidural.

Once Huyen had her epidural she was in heaven. She took a little nap and I decided to watch a little football. I turned on the TV and started to watch the Ravens vs. Colts playoff game. After a few minutes the nurse came in and examined Huyen. She then asked me to hit a little red button on Huyen's bed. The intercom came on and the nurse said, "Please tell the doctor to come in. We're ready to deliver." Five minutes later, four pushes by Huyen and three snips of the scissor on the umbilical  cord by me, Shayna Phuong was born. It wasn't like how I had pictured it or how a thousand movies had depicted it. Everything was very very calm. Shayna didn't cry but just stared at us with her beautiful eyes. She was immediately placed on Huyen's chest and just like that, we had a family.

That was four weeks ago. The best four weeks of our lives.

Epilogue: Table For Three

About an hour after finding out that we're having a girl, my family was sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. After taking a bite of food, a thought popped into my head and I blurted out, "Shit!" My parents and Huyen looked at me with concern. My mom said, "What's wrong?" So I told everyone what was wrong: "I have to pay for a wedding."

The stress of having to pay for a wedding (and let's not forget college) is nothing compared to the joy we're feeling about having a baby. Huyen and I couldn't be more excited to have our blond-haired blue-eyed baby (shhhh, don't tell Huyen that's not gonna happen) and we can already feel our love for each other reaching a new level. As every parent and expecting parent knows, all you want is the best in life for your children. That said, I've got two or three decades to convince our little girl to get married in Vietnam. Until that time though, I'll be posting occasional stories/pictures/videos on Ahoy Hanoi.

The End

As all my loyal readers know, I started this blog for my mom. I thought it would be easiest for her to know what I was up to if I posted a day-to-day account of my life when I left America. My mom's a mom and mom's worry. We all know that. The blog was meant for her to ease her nerves while enjoying my adventure. The fact that 75,860 unique visitors from 170 countries/territories started to read my blog just became a bonus and some extra writing motivation over the last few years.

Instead of going out with a bang, I'm sad to say that Ahoy Hanoi has fizzled to say the least. After writing nearly a blog a day for three years, I've written less than one a week since coming home. And well, I'm sorry about that. The truth is though, it's my mom's fault. Yup, that's right, I'm blaming my mom. Now that I'm living back home, my number one reader gets her Ahoy Hanoi updates straight from the blogger's mouth. Okay, it's not totally my mom's fault. Just like 96%.

I've thought for a while about how I wanted to end my blog. I thought about writing a giant thank you list like I did two years ago when I first left Vietnam on May 8, 2009. But I've already done that and truthfully, most of the people I would be thanking would be the same people I've already thanked. I thought about doing one final video of all my time abroad but I'm pretty sure most of my readers are over my videos.

Instead, I want to try and give the moral to my story as I see it.

In 2007 I wasn't happy. Frankly, I was probably depressed. My life wasn't where I wanted it to be. I had moved to LA to become a writer and I had failed miserably at that. I was working on a reality TV show that I hated and felt like I was wasting away, spending long days in a dark edit suite. On the relationship front, well, there was no front. I hadn't had a meaningful long term relationship in about seven years and didn't have any prospects on the horizon. To top everything off, I was living far from my family and my closest friends. Yeah, things weren't great.

I'm not exactly sure when I first got the idea to drop everything and move to Vietnam. Regardless of when it happened, it sparked something inside of me. I've always been a person who does what he says. Once I verbalized that I was moving to Vietnam there was no stopping me. I sold all of my things including my car and furniture. I donated a ton of clothing to the Salvation Army and then packed up all my stuff. I had whittled down my possessions to so little that I was able to get it all back to the East Coast by having three friends and my sister take home an extra suitcase for me when they flew back for the holidays. Truly, I was starting with a blank slate.

When I flew out of JFK on February 2nd, 2008 I had no idea what to expect. Even as a writer, I couldn't have imagined the stories and experiences I would have over the next three and a half years. At some point recently, I realized that I had spent more time in Vietnam than I did in Syracuse, my alma matter. That realization hit a chord in me. Vietnam was truly like a second education for me; it was my graduate school for life.

When I left LA, I had failed as a writer. When I returned to America I had written over 1,200 blog entries AND had a screenplay optioned for an original family comedy script I wrote. I had never had a script optioned in LA, yet had one optioned while living on the other side of the world. The script presently has a director attached to it and the production company is paying me to do a rewrite and a polish on it. This isn't even close to being a big deal in Hollywood, but it's a big deal to me. On top of that, Huyen and I went to LA for three weeks last month where I had a bunch of meetings. Hopefully the writing career will continue to move forward...but if it doesn't, so what. There's other things in life that are more important. I can honestly say that one day teaching at the school Huyen and I started was more rewarding than any paycheck I ever earned.

When I left LA, I was single. Well, obviously that's not the case anymore. Everyone knows my love story. Most of you feel like you know it too well. For those of you who somehow stumble on to this blog, here's the jist of it: During the first week I was living in Hanoi, I met the love of my life. Huyen has changed my life for the better and, just from two months in America, I can already see her changing my family for the better too. No matter how long I live, I'll always be thankful for meeting Huyen.

When I left LA, I was living far away from my family and closest friends. Logically one would think that moving to Vietnam wouldn't solve that problem but somehow it did. Not only was I welcomed with open arms into Huyen's amazing family but I also made some great new friends. Upon leaving Vietnam, I thought we would have to make a tough decision on where to live in the USA. It would be easier for both Huyen and me to find work in California (besides Hollywood, there's a huge Vietnamese population in California that Huyen could have networked with). However, there was no decision to be made. Huyen laid down the law and said we were gonna move to NJ/NY so we could be close to our family.

So what's the moral of my story? Well, it's simple: Live life.

It's so easy to get stuck in the daily pattern of life. Well, sometimes we need to change things up and just go for it. Moving to Vietnam was the best decision of my life. There's no doubt about that. However, one doesn't have to do something so drastic. If you hate your job, quit it. Things will work out. If you're miserable in your relationship, end it. Things will work out. If there's a girl or boy you like but are scared to ask out, go for it! What's the worst that can happen? If you wish you could spend more time with your family, do it! Don't talk about it. Do it! Live life!

With that, Ahoy Hanoi has come to an end. However, don't fret. From time to time I might post some epilogues. For example, Huyen and I are planning on going to Hanoi next February for Tet. I'm sure there will be lots of fun stories to write about after nearly a year away.

And for those of you who like Huyen more than me (which is probably everyone who has met her), get ready for some great news -- Huyen is starting her own blog. Check it out: Photastic USA!!!