Dog Shit

Apparently I am not the only person to hate my old landlords. Last week, when I pulled up to my house the "crazy man" across the street approached me and started ranting to me in Vietnamese. I have mentioned the crazy man before but for those of you who missed those references let me just explain that there is a guy who often stands across the street, shirtless with a crazy look in his eyes, always staring at me. He totally creeps me out and Huyen too. Moving away from him has been one of the positives on my mental plus/minus list of moving.

Anyway, he approached me and started making gestures at the house. The gesture had three parts: a) point at the house b) hold his nose like something smells c) shake his head back and forth. I took this to mean, "those people who live there stink." I told him I agreed and gave a thumbs down at the house. This was my first sign that the neighbors didn't like Binh and Minh.

Here's the better sign: Every morning since living in the house I was awoken by Minh running a faucet in our alley. He would always be filling up a bucket around 6AM. Well, I finally realized why he was doing that the other day. I woke up super early and exited the house before Minh had filled up his bucket. Well, in front of the house on the front walk were two HUGE piles of dog shit. Pictured here:


Well I quickly put two and two together: The neighbors all have their dogs shit on Binh and Minh's front steps. I also had a flashback to a few months earlier when I came home from work and there was a ton of dog shit on the front steps. I happen to see Binh and said, "There's always dog poop on the front steps." She didn't understand me since she can barely speak English. I pointed at my shoes, which had some fresh poop on the bottom and she quickly understood. In broken English she said, "Yes! They go toilet here. I stay home from work once to catch them but could not." Anyway, knowing that the neighbors all hate B&M made me really happy. I guess dog shit attracts dog shit.

Vietnamese Science

(PICTURE: Dr. Huyen giving a lecture on science)

There should be a television show hosted by Bill Cosby called, "The Vietnamese Say The Darndest Things." A day doesn't go by that a Vietnamese person doesn't make a claim that is, well, not exactly based on science and facts.

One of the many benefits of dating a local is I'm privy to some serious information -- that's seriously hilarious information. About a month ago Huyen said something absurd to me: "Oh, do not eat so many bean sprouts." At the time I was putting bean sprouts into my bun cha. I naturally asked why I shouldn't eat bean sprouts and Huyen informed me that, "Bean sprouts are bad for men."
"They're just bad for men," I asked.
"Yes, they are bad for your [points at my mid section]."
"Is that based on science?" She just told me it was.
I then said, "You know America has been to space? I'll take my American science over your Vietnamese folk lore." This is when Huyen told me that a Vietnamese man had been to space too (he traveled with the Russians). I countered with, "Well, we've been on the moon!"

Anyway, since that day whenever Huyen makes a strange remark and I give her a look she immediately says, "It's science."

Some scientific things I learned recently:

Dr. Huyen: "You have white hairs because of your blood. It's science."

Dr. Huyen: "Eating salt is the best way for women to have boys. It's science."

Dr. Huyen: "Married couples must have a lot of sex to get rid of bad genes. It's science."

Dr. Huyen: "Drinking this (a strange white powder she brought over made from some fruit) will get rid of your pimples. It's science."

Dr. Huyen: "If your breath smells like garlic breath against a wall and it will smell better. Girls must do this 5 times, boys 7 times."

The truth is I was never good at science. But come on!

Plagiarism

A few times since I've started teaching I've had to give a talk about plagiarism. Apparently it's not frowned upon here to copy and paste someone else's work and pretend it's your own. A couple clear signs to me that someone has plagiarized are:

1. The use of words that I have to look up to understand.

• 

2. An error free paragraph on "what I did last summer?" by a student who up until this very moment hasn't comprehended the difference between "went" and "go."

3. The actual website address accidentally copied into the text.

In my teenager class this week I had a new plagiarism detection siren go off -- two girls handed in the same exact essay about the Jonas Brothers (apparently they are some teen rock band). It wasn't that one girl copied the other girls paper, they both copied wikipedia. They literally had 95% of the same article from the website.

Today, before I handed back the papers, I gave my class a lecture about plagiarism which went basically like this: "If you study abroad and your parents pay tuition -- let's say $40,000 -- and you plagiarize, you will be thrown out of school and your parents will lose their money." This got all of the students attention. As you can imagine $40,000 is a lot of money here.

At the end of class I handed back everyone's essays. I handed the two plagiarizing girls their essays last and said, "Look I know you copied this but what I'm most upset about is that you lied to me when I asked you if you copied this on Thursday (NOTE: When they handed me the paper I immediately knew they hadn't written it and asked them straight up, "Did you write this?" They both said yes.)." One of the girls looked at me and said, "I didn't copy this. My brother did it." So the question is, which is worse: having your sibling do your homework for you OR turning in material you plagiarized yourself?

Happy Birthday, Dad! (In Vietnam)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've got the greatest Dad in the world. I was going to get you a great birthday present this year, Dad, but then Zev went ahead and had Lilah a week before your birthday. How the hell do I compete with that? You don't...so I just made a video for you. I love you!

Ben

P.S. I know you're going to surprise me and show up at my Ultimate Frisbee tournament in Singapore this weekend, right?

P.S.S. My Dad's birthday is the 28th. This is posting during Vietnamese time...so yes, I'm the first to wish my Dad a happy birthday.

Hayden Update

I've received a lot of emails asking how Hayden is doing. The last 24 hours have been full of ups and downs. Last night there was a huge down when things took a turn for the worse and looked pretty bleak. However, tonight, there appears to be some good news:

Wild animals, maggots attack Australian lost in Laos

Hayden Adcock ... close to death when found.

An Australian man who survived a harrowing 11 days missing in the jungle in Laos had terrible injuries inflicted by wild animals and an infestation of maggots, his mother says.

Hayden Adcock, 40, is recovering in a Thai hospital following his ordeal, with medical staff saying his condition has improved slightly since yesterday.

Hayden suffered multiple health problems after he went missing on a short walk to a waterfall in a national park in the Khammouane province of Laos on July 31.

A helicopter search found him on August 10 and he was airlifted to hospital in Bangkok.

His mother, Lynne Sturrock, who is with her son, said Hayden was badly injured when he was rescued.

"He came upon a beautiful escarpment of coloured rocks, something he hadn't seen before and went over to have a look, maybe strayed off the track a bit, and some huge lizards came out," she told the Nine Network today.

The lizards chased him, and he was injured when he fell from the escarpment, becoming prey to local wildlife, she said.

"Wild animals had attacked him and he was covered in wounds," she said.

"... Flies had bitten him. He ended up with maggots in his wounds, which is a good thing, people are saying, but they ended up laying eggs in the good layers of the skin as well."

His 78-year-old father Stan Adcock, who lives at Yandina on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, said medicos administered an injection last night to stop Hayden's internal bleeding, and it appeared to be working.

Michael Morton, an Australian doctor working at the hospital where Hayden was being treated, emailed Mr Adcock to say he had seen his son this morning and he was "conscious, alert and responding well".

"He has several medical problems all interacting with each other and has a long way to go," Dr Morton wrote.

"Both he and Lynne are very happy with the care he is receiving and the Australian embassy has been very supportive."

Mr Adcock said he was encouraged by the overnight development after bleeding in Hayden's stomach had caused him to take a turn for the worse on Sunday night.

"It's better news today because it's been a couple of terrible days," Mr Adcock said today.

"I'd almost given up hope for him."

If the injection did its job, surgeons at the Bangkok hospital would not have to operate.

This was something they had been reluctant to do, given his significant weight loss, multiple health problems and weakened condition.

KEEP SENDING HAYDEN GOOD THOUGHTS!

Community Combs

(PICTURE: A community comb at karaoke)

One thing that always makes me giggle is when I go into a bathroom and there is a comb sitting on the sink. These combs are community combs -- they're for whoever wants to use them.

What makes me giggle even more is when I see someone using them.

That said, my hair has never looked so straight.
...but my scalp has been itching a lot.

Lilah Meets Uncle Ben

It's almost like I'm home...

Man, we both look so young!

I just went through my photos and found the closest picture of Zev that matches up with Lilah. Don't they look alike?

Hayden Update II

This is good news:

Aussie lost in Laos jungle 'improving'

August 22, 2008 - 4:34PM

An Australian man who was lost in a Laotian jungle for 11 days without food is having his body re-built "one organ at a time", his father said today.

Queensland-based Stan Adcock said he was hopeful his 40-year-old son Hayden would make a full recovery after being rescued from a remote jungle location in central Laos and evacuated to Thailand.

"He's still in a critical conditon of course, he's not out of the woods yet, but they're working on it and they feel there will be a total recovery - well they're hoping so," Mr Adcock said.

"I'm hoping that means not only will he survive but they'll have all of his bodily functions restored, he won't be in a wheelchair or anything."

Hayden Adcock, who was born in Victoria and grew up on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, went missing after setting out on a short walk to a waterfall in a national park in Khammouane province on July 31.

The Australian embassy in Vientiane was notified he was missing on August 8 and two staff immediately travelled to the area to help coordinate search efforts.

However, heavy rain and flooding hampered efforts on the ground and it was not until a helicopter search was conducted two days later that he was found and evacuated to Bangkok.

Mr Adcock said his Hong Kong-based nephew arrived in Thailand yesterday and held the telephone to Hayden's ear so he could talk.

"They'd just taken the tube out of his throat and he's still got an oxygen mask on and they put the phone to his ear and he was able to try and talk to me," he said.

"I couldn't understand a word he said of course because the tube in the voice box had upset his throat but that was the most thrilling piece of news we'd had."

Mr Adcock said it was still early days for his son but the family was feeling positive.

"I'm thrilled that Hayden has got such a fighting spirit and that gives me a lot of confidence," he said.

"If he'd dropped his bundle or something like that that would have been hard to bear."

Hayden Adcock's mother will arrive in Bangkok tomorrow, Mr Adcock said.

------------------------

I also found a news story on him: http://video.yahoo.com/watch/3349231/9393172

You know he's going to end up selling his story rights for millions. I hope he lets me write his screenplay.

She's a GIRL!!!

...which we knew. What we didn't know is that she's GORGEOUS!!!

Lilah Rose August, 8 lbs 3 oz, 20 inches, was born by c-section safe and sound early this morning Vietnam Time.

Congratulations Zev and Kathy!!!


I know what you're all thinking: She looks just like her Aunt. I agree, she's got Huyen's cheeks.


Uncle Ben

The Countdown Is On...

(PICTURE: Kathy, ready to pop!)

...Nope, not for when I'm thrown out of Vietnam. I'm sure that's imminent.

The countdown is on for when I'll be an uncle!!! Zev and Kathy have gone to the hosptial. The doctors will be hooking Kathy up to an IV to induce her around 5-5:30 am.

Lilah! Lilah! Lilah!

Note for the people of the future who read this blog: tailgating should become a part of giving birth. How awesome would it be to have all your friends in the parking lot, BBQing, drinking beer and chanting your name. Okay, yeah, I'm sad I'll be missing Jets games this year.

Hayden Update

Here's the latest on Hayden. He's still in critical condition but improving:

Jungle tourist critical: father

(PICTURE: Hayden Adcock ... close to death when found.)

Alex Tibbitts
August 21, 2008 - 3:36PM

THE father of the Australian tourist who was lost in the jungle for 11 days in flood-ravaged Laos has no idea how his son survived.

"It's a good question," Stan Adcock said. "He was in pouring rain and he was covered in scratches and bruises and goodness knows what. His stomach was empty, the doctor said, so he hadn't been eating and he was pretty close to death when they found him.

"He was conscious but away with the fairies. He wasn't able to make a great deal of sense."

Mr Adcock, who lost his other son in a motor accident at age 16, is unable to find out much more because his son is still in intensive care in Bangkok General Hospital after being found on August 10.

Hayden Adcock, 40, set off for a short walk to the Tad Namsanam waterfall in the province of Khammouane on July 31.

"He's a bushwalker, he just loves that type of thing," Mr Adcock said.

"He just went out for a two-hour walk to a waterfall in the jungle and there was a second waterfall and he decided to go to that as well.

"Then the downpour of rain just washed away all the walk tracks so he became hopelessly lost.

"When he didn't return to his lodgings they went searching for him, a ground search, but that was at the wrong waterfall."

The Australian ambassador to Laos, Michele Forster, said the embassy was not told of Mr Adcock's disappearance until August 8 and sent two officials to the area. "At the time, it was raining in the village, quite cold and the conditions were very difficult," Dr Forster said. "The village community and local government had done a lot to try to find him but they had been unable to locate him."

After two days, the embassy and the Red Cross organised a helicopter search.

Mr Adcock was found at the other waterfall but the helicopter was unable to land.

It took villagers almost four hours to carry him out on a stretcher, cutting through the thick jungle.

Mr Adcock, who has worked around Australia and the world, had taken 12 months off from his job with the Tax Office to teach English in Vietnam before heading to Laos.

His father has managed to speak to him once since his rescue. "He just said it took them three hours to get where he was and that's all they'd allow him to say," he said.

Doctors took Mr Adcock off a ventilator yesterday.

"He's in critical condition but there has been slight improvement," his father said.

"Now and again he has to have a special operation. Yesterday he had an operation for bleeding in the stomach."

Dr Forster said the embassy planned to support a small tourist office with guides to lead treks to the waterfall and the surrounding jungle.

"We will be looking at different ways to support the community," Dr Forster said. "We feel deep gratitude to the local villagers and authorities that assisted us."

Traditional Values and Morals

Okay, this is amazing. Perhaps you won't find this as funny as I do but I just can't get over what I'm about to tell you. So as you know, Ryan and I are being evicted from our house. The reason given to us is that our girlfriends -- really just Huyen -- slept over. Our real estate agent told us that Binh and Minh, the landlords, are very "traditional." I took this to mean that they have traditional values and morals. Fine, whatever.

So today Ryan and I signed our lease on our new house. When paying our deposit the real estate agent said to us, "If any of the neighbors ask you how much you pay, tell them you live here for free. The landlord doesn't pay taxes. They just pay the police." Immediately something clicked in my mind and I asked, "Did Binh and Minh pay taxes?" The real estate agent looked at me and laughed, "No. Just the police."

For those of you who aren't finding this as funny as I do, let me remind you of something. Minh, my landlord, is one of the heads of Vietnam. He works directly for the Prime Minister and travels to other countries for him. His wife told me he's in charge of, "Education, Arms, and a few other things." So, basically the Secretary of State of Vietnam IS NOT PAYING TAXES ON HIS RENTAL PROPERTY. And this is just one of their properties. But that's not the point. The point is, just to be repetitive, THE SECRETARY OF STATE OF VIETNAM IS NOT PAYING TAXES ON HIS RENTAL PROPERTY.

Can you imagine if this happened in the US? Wait, things like it do but the politicians generally resign or withdraw from the posts they are nominated to (i.e Bernard Kerik and Bobby Ray Inman come to mind over illegal housekeepers/taxes, etc.).

One of the problems with living in a communist country is that they control the papers/news. If I had a story like this in the states it would be the front cover of the New York Times tomorrow. Here, well, it just ain't making the papers...and I'm pretty sure if I tried my Visa would mysteriously not be renewed next month.

In conclusion, traditional values apparently means no sleepovers...but tax fraud is a-okay.

A Walk In The Woods

On June 27th I went to Finnegan's Irish Pub for a farewell party to my friend and fellow teacher Hayden. Hayden is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. He's one of those people who is always smiling and has nothing but good things to say about people/things/life. When I first started teaching Hayden was my go-to guy for any questions I had and he was always more than willing to lend a helping hand.

Here's a picture from Hayden's party that I took of Chi, one of my favorite Language Link employees, and her friend (Welcome to the blog, Chi!).

(PICTURE: Chi on the left. Her friend who owes me two beers for beating her in Connect Four on the right)

So why am I posting a picture of Chi here instead of one of Hayden. Well two reasons:

1. I didn't take any pictures of Hayden that night.

2. Chi comes into play right here:

A week ago when I walked into school Chi came up to me and said, "Ben did you hear about Hayden." "No," I replied . The last I had heard about Hayden he was headed to Laos before going home to Australia. Chi then let me know what it was that I needed to hear: "Hayden got lost in the woods in Laos. They found him. He's in the hospital." "What? Lost in the woods? Is he okay?" Chi just looked at me and said, "That's all we know."

Over the past week I've asked quite a few people whether they had an update on Hayden. Nobody did. The only other information I found out was that Garth, one of the other Language Link teachers, had been in Laos and was supposed to have a drink with Hayden. Hayden never showed up for the drink...and well, Garth heard about Hayden being lost the same time I did... BACK IN HANOI.

So tonight I just got an email from Jessica with the subject line: "I think this is Hayden." Here's the article that a link took me to:

Aussie survives 11 days in Laos jungle

August 19, 2008 - 6:23PM An Australian man missing for 11 days in the jungle of Khammuan province has been found alive, but is in a critical condition.

The Vientiane Times has reported that the middle-aged man was transported to Bangkok for treatment, but remains critically ill.

Australian Ambassador to Laos, Dr Michele Forster, told that the man was attempting to walk to the well-known Tadsanam waterfall in Hinboun district.

He left on the afternoon of July 31, but the Australian embassy was not notified he was missing until August 8.

On Sunday, the embassy and the Red Cross organised a helicopter search and located the man at a different waterfall in the district.

"At the time, it was raining in the village, quite cold and the conditions were every difficult," Dr Forster said.

"The village community and local government had done a lot to try to find him but they had been unable to locate him."

The helicopter could not land in the jungle and the man had to be carried out over land.

It took villagers almost four hours to transport the man on a stretcher, cutting their way through the jungle.

"When they found him his condition wasn't good. He was very weak and sick and obviously cold because he had been exposed to the cool weather over the last few days," Dr Forster said.

The man was brought back to the local village and transported to Vientiane by helicopter, before being taken by ambulance to a hospital in Undon Thani, Thailand, and then later transported to Bangkok.

Australian Embassy Second Secretary, Emily Russell, said the area contained thick jungle and it was easy to become lost. She said rising water may have covered the main track in the area, causing the man to lose his way.

Khammuan Tourism Department director, Thaiyaphone Singthong, said the waterfall was a beautiful and well-known site which attracted a lot of visitors, including foreign tourists.

Mr Thaiyaphone said he thought the man may have wanted to go upstream from Tadsanam waterfall, but was warned against doing this.

Dr Forster said the embassy planned to support a small tourist development office with guides to lead treks to the waterfall and the surrounding jungle.

"We will be looking at different ways to support the community, particularly the office, in terms of possibly putting up signs or providing training to the local guides to thank them for all their help," Dr Forster said.

"We feel deep gratitude to the local villagers and authorities that assisted us."

GET BETTER SOON, HAYDEN!!!

Farewell My Bed

Southeast Asian beds aren't exactly -- what's the word, what's the word -- soft. Lets say the worldwide mattress scale of cushie-ness ranges from 1-10.

Cushie 1: The bare hard floor.
Cushie 2: Huyen's bed. This "bed" is a bamboo mat laid on top of wood strips.
Cushie 3: A blanket laid on top of a bamboo mat laid on top of wood strips.
Cushie 4: A 1-inch hard piece of foam on top of wood strips.
Cushie 5: An egg-crate mattress put on nothing but the hard floor.
Cushie 6: Your below average pull-out couch with springs protruding out.
Cushie 7: Your fully blown up air mattress.
Cushie 8: My brother's childhood bed. AKA, a nice sturdy American mattress.
Cushie 9: My childhood bed. AKA, a nice American mattress with a bunch of bounce to it.
Cushie 10: One of those space-age foam mattresses that contort to your body.

My Hanoi bed is a solid 4. Literally it's a SOLID four. My bed is rock hard. If you were in the military and dropped a quarter on it you wouldn't have to worry about it bouncing. Change dies upon contact. If your forget where you're sleeping and sprawl onto the bed, well, you're going to have some bruises and possible a broken chin if you don't hit the pillows exactly right.
That said, I love my bed. Never before in my life have I slept as well, or as much, as I have on my Vietnamese bed. This discovery will:
a) Help my back in the long run since I believe hard beds are supposedly better for you.
b) Save me a bunch of money since I'll eventually need a new bed (I sold mine when leaving in LA). Instead of purchasing a $1,000 mattress I can just steal the cardboard container for someone else's mattress, wrap it in a sheet, and call it a night.

Anyway, leaving this house has its ups and downs. However, one of the biggest downs is that I absolutely will miss my bed.

AAA - Vietnam

(PICTURE: My new favorite bike "garage.")

After karaoke I drove Pamela back to her hostel. About three blocks from where she was staying I felt my bike starting to wobble. I pulled over and said to Pamela, "Can you tell if the back tire is flat?" Pamela looked down and said, "Looks good to me." I figured maybe I hit a rough spot on the road and started to drive again. It took going only about eight feet before I knew I definitely had a flat -- my bike started really really wobbling.

I pulled over again and sure enough the tire was totally flat. This was the THIRD TIME in about a month that my bike tire was flat. Two out of three times it was a direct result of driving another Westerner. To say these bikes aren't designed for foreigners, let alone two foreigners, is probably a gigantic understatement.

Well, within seconds of pulling over a Vietnamese man walked out of store and asked if he could help us. Mind you, it was eleven at night already. I pointed at my flat tire and he in turn pointed diagonally across the street: "You can fix it there." Sure enough a man had set up shop on the corner and was fixing bikes.

This is a common site in Hanoi. Throughout the city are sidewalk motorbike repairmen. Literally someone just brings their tools, an air pump and a bucket of water and fixes bikes right on the sidewalk. Why the bucket of water you might be asking? Well, to find the hole in the inner tube they inflate the tube and stick one part at a time under the water. When air bubbles begin to form they've found the hole. They then shave the hole, put some kind of super glue on it, then a patch and it's good as new. It took this guy roughly four minutes to fix my bike. Cost: $1.15

On a side note, this little anecdote serves as a good way for me to say how much I love Vietnamese people. Within minutes there were two acts of kindness:

ACT OF KINDNESS 1: The stranger asking if he could help us. How many times have you gone up to a random person having car trouble and asked if you could help?

ACT OF KINDNESS 2: When it was time to pay I was having a hard time understanding how much the repair guy was saying it cost. I thought he said 100,000 Dong. I started to hand him two 50,000 Dong notes and he shook his head at me. He then peaked into my wallet and took out two 10,000 Dong notes and smiled at me. You have to love honesty. This guy could have taken the 100,000 and called it an early night. However, he didn't.

Karaoke Videos

(PICTURE: My Irish friend Pamela, who I met in Australia, was in town and joined the singing frenzy)

They love Karaoke in Vietnam. Last night I went karaoking for the fifth time since I moved here. For those of you who are counting, that's five times more than I ever went in the states. A few things always strike me as amazing whenever I have a karaoke night:

1. Vietnamese people sing their hearts out with no embarrassment...when they are stone sober.

2. For a tonal language, the majority of Vietnamese people are tone deaf.

3. Despite winning the vocal music award at Mt. Pleasant Elementary School AND singing at Carnegie Hall* with Showstoppers (the "elite" singers of Mt. Pleasant Middle School**) I know I'm no Sinatra. That's putting it mildly. Frank-ly, I'm a horrible singer. My brother and sister got ALL the musical genes in my family. That said, I still get HUGE applause every time I sing a song here and inevitably get at least one, "you're very good" from someone in the room.

(PICTURE: Huyen and the ladies going crazy for the sweet sounds of my tenor voice)

4. The karaoke videos are amazing. Usually they are literally long videos shot by some guy riding a motorbike through the country. The video is usually wobbily and the footage is of traffic and street scenery. However, on occasion you get slightly better quality video. Here's a snipet of what we had last night. My favorite parts are the monkeys and bees...




* It was a wing of Carnegie Hall. Despite practicing for months to sing at Carnegie Hall we didn't know until that night we were basically singing in the coat closet. But hey, it was still in Carnegie Hall.

** I was most definitely not an elite singer. The group had 10 very talented girls and I believe 7 very talented boys. They need three more boys to match up with the girls on stage. Somehow I was selected.***

***Being selected may or may not have had something to do with the fact that my father was on the Board of Education at the time.

House Hunting

With the prospect of being homeless in ten days Ryan and I hit the streets of Hanoi with wild abandon. Here were the candidates for our new house:

House 1:

The first house San took us to was right near Lenin Park -- the biggest park in Hanoi. It was also much closer to Ryan's office than our old house and about two times the size of our old place. Those were the positives. The negatives were that it was in an alley and I was having flashbacks of my first house experience (for you newcomers search the blog for when I was robbed by Ninjas in my sleep). The house was also really dirty and just didn't have any real charm to it.

House #2:

San took us out to Tay Ho district, the Beverly Hills of Hanoi. We saw this AWESOME house that was somehow transported directly from the 70s. There were huge glass windows with tons of natural light and a garden in front of the place. There was also a gigantic rooftop deck with a view of West Lake. The problem, and this was a big problem, is that it would be a really far commute for Ryan to get to work. We figured it would take at least 25 to 30 minutes. That's just a pain in the ass. San suggested to us a couple of times that this was the house for us but we decided to wait a day or two before rushing into a decision. Plus, we took what San said with a grain of salt. After all our landlord is on his butt to get us out of her house as quickly as possible.

House #3:


Huyen joined the house hunting process and called a bunch of real estate agents for us. This morning we were told to meet at the Oprah House to see a nearby place. This was really exciting since the Oprah House is in a great location and could be a very cool spot to live. We were also told that the house was extremely nice. This would have been a good combination. Yes, "would have been." We showed up at the Oprah House and met the agent. He told us to follow him. We jumped on our bikes and started to follow...and follow...and follow. After we got on the highway I started to realize that perhaps this house wasn't so close to the Oprah House. After about seven minute we pulled up in front of the place. After another fifteen minutes the owner finally showed up and let us in. Indeed the house was fantastic. It was huge, clean and had a nice Vietnamese feeling to it (i.e. a Buddha shrine in the attic). The problem was it was way off the beaten path. While there though the real estate agent told us about another property right near our present house. He said, "It is a much better place." So with that, we motorbiked over there...

House #4:

This house was awesome. House is actually the wrong word. It was a compound. It felt like an old mansion. There were chandeliers, multiple entrances, a rooftop basketball court, hardwood floors, marble staircases, a full stacked kitchen....and a Frenchman living in it. Unfortunately the Frenchman wasn't a butler, he was a tenant. We were told he'd be out at the end of the month but that would make our move just a tad bit trickier. After all I'm pretty sure Binh and Minh will be having the police escort us out on the 25th. God help us if we asked for six more days...especially when we were told today by San that, "Binh asked me to try very hard to get you out by the 20th." That's five days earlier than she told us we had.

House #5:

I found a property on-line which looked pretty ideal. Huyen called the agent and we made an appointment. We jumped on our bikes and headed over to the house...which was in a vaguely familiar neighborhood....my old neighborhood...the neighborhood I was robbed in. It wasn't directly on the same street but it was connected through the alleys. It's actually a famous neighborhood because there is a shot down US fighter plane half floating in a moat in the middle of the alley. The potential house we were checking out overlooked the rusting US plane. Yeah, that probably isn't the best omen when looking for a new house. Oh, and the place was a dump. I mean it was disgusting.

House #6:

San was back in the picture. He called me this morning and said he had two more houses. We showed up at the first one and were escorted to the front door...where we were told to peak in through the glass. Apparently the power was out and they couldn't open the electronic door. All we could see was a couch. San's assistant said, "Very nice, right?" It wasn't a very nice couch so I could only assume the rest of the house wasn't too great either. They asked if we could come back to it later when the door MIGHT open. We passed.

House #7:

San had one more property to show us. We drove to the neighborhood and waited for the landlady to show up. After waiting about fifteen minutes this old lady finally rolled up sitting on the back of some dude's motorbike. Immediately something was obvious: she had no idea where she was. She was literally shielding her eyes while looking at different houses. Huyen explained to me that the landlady couldn't remember where her house was. We were told to wait on a street corner till she figured it out. She literally drove in circles around the neighborhood. Finally after sitting down at a local cafe and ordering drinks the old lady found the house. We gulped down our drinks and went to check out the place:

(The outside of House #7) San told us that the house was brand new. They opened the front gate and indeed it was brand new. It was so brand new that it wasn't even finished. The place was covered in a one inch layer of dust. There was no refrigerator...or furniture. It also had one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in the third floor bedroom:

(PICTURE: The only previous tenant)

Keep in mind, this house has not been lived in. I repeat, nobody has lived in this house. Nada. Not one person. Zilch. Yet there is this creepy freaking doll perched up against the wall on the third floor bedroom. Where did it come from? Who's doll is it? Why is it standing? Why did this picture come out blurry despite me using a flash? Man, I'm still creeped out.

And that's not all that was inside this house. When we got up to the fifth floor (yes, there were five floors) Huyen let out a scream. She saw this on the ground:

(PICTURE: Just your standard decomposing rat).

Ryan and I looked at the rat and I think the same feeling struck both of us, "This feels like home."

We decided to take the house...

It'll be ready in a week...

Hopefully the doll will be gone.

Worm Noodels Part II

(Huyen eating her bowl of eel noodles)

For those of you who don't read all the comments on the blog, you wouldn't have read the one posted by Anh in regards to my "Worm Noodles" posting a few weeks ago. Anh kindly pointed out that what I was eating was not worms at all but rather eels. Huyen confirmed this to be the true in a "lost in translation" moment.

If you recall, I didn't exactly like the "worm soup." Well, I thought I'd give it another chance now that I knew it was really just eels (Do you hear that noise? Yeah, it's my mom saying, "you think eels are better!". Well, yeah, I do. I happen to love eel sushi).

Huyen took me to a better eel noodle restaurant and indeed the soup was delicious. I estimate that I ate about thirty strips of eel.

While there Huyen told me there was something else delicious on the menu -- pigeon porridge. I got one as an appetizer:
(PICTURE: Yup, that's a full pigeon dropped into a bowl of porridge.)

Evicted

Tonight Ryan and I were due to pay our rent for the next three months. I had texted our landlord on Monday and made a plan to meet tonight at 9:30. Ryan and I got our money together and knocked on her door right at 9:30. We sat down, ready to pay when she said, "We need to talk."

In broken English she then told us we had to leave the house within the next two weeks. She told us that the Police had called her and said that, "More than two people were living in the house." I told her I didn't believe her that the police called and eventually she conceded "my friend who is a policeman" called me. This I'm also certain is probably a lie.

The fact is our landlord has been rude to us from the very beginning. Her husband has always been a decent guy until the last week when he couldn't look us in the eye and just mumbled complaints about our motorbikes. The problem is simply that they don't want Huyen staying over the house...and now Jessica too. That said, Huyen has stayed over three times in three months which is also the same amount of times Jessica has stayed over.

I'm sure we could argue this and stay but frankly I would feel awkward and don't want to have to come home to a place every night where I'm not wanted. What sucks though is that this house is AWESOME! I just emailed the real estate agent who found us this apartment and he wrote me right back:

Hi Ben & Ryan,

I heard her complaints several times and today she also informed me that she wants you out by 25^th August. It is the bad things of living near the landlord, which are old fashioned that we did not consider before.

Yes, I have a nice house near there, will show you tomorrow.

How long will you stay in Hanoi to calculate from now? If it is too short, it will be a difficulty in renting a house as most of landlord wants long term lease.

Anyway, we will meet and discuss tomorrow. Pls give me a message when you are free.

Regards!

San

So in conclusion, I'm being evicted for the first time in my life. Ironically this is probably the best I've ever behaved in a house. I've literally never even drank a beer here. Never had friends over (without telling the landlords weeks in advance and turning over their passport). Never played loud music. Never broken anything. And never complained except to get rid of a rat and to have internet that works. Ryan and I are just hoping their next tenants are a complete nightmare.

F'ing Vietnam...

Huyen's Thesis Defense: AKA Vietnamese Idol

(PICTURE: Huyen and I outside of her classroom. And no, I didn't buy her any of those flowers or the pillow. I'm a jerk. Read below.)

On Sunday Huyen defended her thesis at the Foreign Trade University. Her thesis was something about International Business and Human Resources. To be honest, I really couldn't understand a word of it, and no, not because it was in Vietnamese. I'm just clueless when it comes to business...or basically anything that is a cousin of math. Frankly, I'm 29 years old and still don't understand my father's job. Seriously, what exactly is a bond?

Anyway, I went to Huyen's university at 7:45AM to see her present her thesis. I had wanted to buy Huyen a copy of Dr. Seuss's, "Oh, The Places You'll Go" but couldn't find it. To be honest, i didn't look that hard since no Vietnamese person I asked had ever heard of Dr. Seuss. So instead I just wrote Huyen a card which kind of summed up the message Dr. Seuss put into the book. I thought I was being nice...until I showed up and EVERYONE at the school had HUGE bouquets of flowers for the graduates. Well, that is everyone except me. Yup, you can say it, I'm a bad boyfriend. I felt terrible until I handed Huyen the card I wrote. Her face immediately lit up like it was Christmas morning.

When I got to the classroom I was immediately surprised at how small it was. I mean it was tiny. I had pictured a large lecture hall but the room was no bigger than the classrooms I teach in every night. This meant I had a great seat--row two, baby! I gotta tell you, it was like sitting ringside at a prize fight.

Basically this is how it worked:

STEP 1: 7 girls were given a time slot between 8AM and 11AM.

STEP 2: The 7 girls were told at 8AM what order they would be presenting. Huyen was number five.

STEP 3: One at a time a girl would present her thesis for between five and ten minutes.

STEP 4: When she finished a three-teacher-panel would take turns RIPPING apart the thesis. Obviously I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying but facial expressions go a long way. I turned to Huyen after the first girl went and said, "That teacher in the middle is really mean." She looked at me with wide eyes and nodded really fast.

STEP 5: The students would take notes while being ripped apart and then respond to the teacher panel's criticism.

STEP 6: The teacher-panel would rip apart the response and dismiss the students.

STEP 7: The students would run/walk away from the stage to a round of applause from the audience...

This process may sound slightly familiar to you. Yeah, it's basically the formula American Idol uses. A performer goes, a panel rips them apart, the performer defends themselves, the panel rips them apart again. The teachers also reminded me of American Idol: one was nice most of the time, one was ridiculously mean most of the time, and the third was sort of drunk.




Huyen did a great job. The whole time she was going I was on pins and needles. I think I was more nervous than she was. When the male teacher started to rip her apart I had to take a bunch of deep breaths because I really wanted to get up and pound his stupid-clown-shoe-wearing-baggy-pants-ugly face into the blackboard. I wanted to yell out, "Those who can't do, teach, A-hole." But then I remembered that I have the utmost respect for teachers...and, well, I'm a teacher too. It also occurred to me that I if I beat up the teacher it would probably hurt Huyen's score.

After the last student presented her thesis, the teachers read out-loud everyone's scores. Huyen got a 8.73 out of 10. This wasn't the highest score and it wasn't the lowest score either. Huyen was momentarily upset about her grade. Personally I thought she did a phenomenal job and I told her that a number can't measure how amazing she is.

Oh by the way, I didn't realize until this week that Huyen's been going to TWO universities at the same time. She graduates from the Foreign Language University in December. Yeah, that's right, two schools...at the same time. My girlfriend is totally smarter than I am.

The "ao dai" ("flowing tunic")...

(PINK?)

For Huyen's thesis presentation she had to wear an "ao dai", the traditional dress of Vietnamese women. Your average Vietnamese girl doesn't actually own one of these fancy dresses so they have to rent them for big events. Yeah, kind of like tuxedos. Huyen asked me go with her to choose out a dress for her presentation.

The Ao Dai shop was a two story store stacked from floor to ceiling with silk gowns. The gowns come in every imaginable color with all unique designs on the front and back. Girls don't have to worry here about showing up to a party wearing the same dress as one of their friends since all the dresses -- at least at this shop -- were different.




On a side note, one of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld (or as my Dad thinks it's called -- Steinfeld) is when George takes naps under his desk at work. All of us get tired at work on occasion and want to take a nap but most of us aren't brave enough to throw a pillow on the floor and snooze off for twenty minutes. Well, in Vietnam they're a little more blatant about it. Sure, working in retail isn't the most exciting thing but check out this video I took at the dress store. These girls are either really tired or perhaps there was a carbon monxide leak in the store:

Squeal Like A Pig

The expression "squeal like a pig" has always made me think of the book Deliverance by James Dickey. Well, that's officially changed as of the other morning.

At around 8AM in Tam Dao I heard the most awful noise I've ever heard in my life. The noise sounded like a combination of Freddy Krueger's nails going across a chalk board mixed with that ear-piercing screech that sometimes results from a microphone being too close to it's transmitter (actually I don't really know why mics screech but that sounds like it makes sense).

I instinctively winced and said out loud, "What is that?" Huyen looked at me and said, "I think they're killing a pig." I got up and looked out the window and indeed they were killing a pig. THANK GOODNESS we were four flights up (FUN FACT: The Vietnamese fourth floor is the fifth floor in America) which I imagine helped conceal some of the gruesomeness of the scene. Basically two people were holding down a pig as a third slit its throat and drained the blood into a basin. The pig was clearly alive and suffering terribly. Two thoughts ran through my mind:

1. Why can't they just kill it fast and then drain the blood?

2. I answered my own question based on a recent re-reading of the Thomas Hardy book Jude The Obscure. There is a scene in the book where Jude has to kill a pig. He desperately wants to kill it quickly but his wife makes him do it slowly because it makes the meat more delicious and tender. In the end, Jude kills the pig fast because he can't stand hearing/seeing the pig in pain.

Did I mention this was all happening at my HOTEL....fifteen feet from the front door! Imagine being woken up at the Ritz to them killing your breakfast in the lobby.

Well, I shot a video of this scene but you really can't see anything -- thankfully. That said, I'm still not gonna post it.

For those of you who are wondering, I ate pork this afternoon for lunch. And well, it was delicious.

The Waterfall

As I mentioned yesterday, we all washed off under the waterfall in Tam Dao. When I say "all" of us I'm including Huyen. For Huyen to get in the water was a huge act of bravery. Like the majority of Vietnamese people Huyen can't swim. In fact, Huyen has never been in a pool. Not even in the shallow end. She doesn't even own a bathing suit. Swimming just isn't something she does.

That said, Huyen was more than excited to jump into the SHALLOW waterfall pool with us in Tam Dao. Out of the 30+ Vietnamese people hanging out by the waterfall she was the ONLY one to get into the water. Most people there looked at her as if she was just as crazy as her foreign friends.

Here's a video of Huyen and Loren under the freezing waterfall:



This Sunday Huyen will be presenting her thesis to the faculty at the Hanoi Foreign Trade University. As a graduation present I will be buying her swim lessons at a local hotel ($100 for 30 sessions in a pool with an instructor).

Road Trip

(Loren with her friend Alex...preparing to ride the best taxis in town -- mine and Huyen's motorbikes.)

Last Thanksgiving at my 10 Year High School Reunion (Jesus, I'm old as hell!) I reconnected with Loren Abbate. I told Loren about my plans to move to 'Nam and she said that she was attempting to get a grant to go to China to teach art. Loren and I made big plans to get together in Asia and well, nine months later they've come to fruition.

Loren just finished her month long stint in China and took a trip down to 'Nam with her new friend Alex. After having shown about a dozen people around Hanoi so far I decided that it would be more fun to take a road trip with Loren (although Huyen and I did give her and Alex a motorbike tour of Hanoi). I had heard about a beautiful little town called Tam Dao that the French used to vacation in during the summer because of it's cool climate and fresh air. I threw the idea by Loren and BAM we were on our way.

Alex being the brave man that he is (he's a ridiculous rock climber...see below) rented a motorbike to drive himself. This meant Huyen got to ride the back of #6 (my bike) and Loren got to ride Alex's bike. Some of the highlights from the first day included:

1. Taking a wrong turn which turned out to be a) faster b) more scenic c) have the friendliest restaurant owner in all of 'Nam. We stopped in at this little spot and I swear the owner shook my hand no less than six times and drew us two different maps to get to Tam Dao.

2. The best mango shake I've ever had. There is so much good fruit in Vietnam but this shake was heads and tails above any fruit drink my lips have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

3. Watching Huyen negotiate a 600,000 Dong room rate down to 300,000...only to find out that the reduced rate didn't include stain free or hair free sheets.

4. Buying a bunch of fresh fruit at the market. When I say "bunch" I actually mean "ten bunches." We just wanted a few bananas but were told you had to buy the whole banana stalk. We literally bought 50+ bananas for ninety five cents. We ate about twenty.

5. Washing off our road trip dirt under a big waterfall:

7. Watching Alex climb the rocks to the right of the waterfall without a rope. The rocks were completely vertical. He climbed them like spider man. It was scary to watch. I mean, it was really scare. About thirty Vietnamese people stared in awe as he darted up wall. Finally one man came over and asked me to ask Alex to climb back down because they were scared the rocks would dislodge and kill people below. Frankly, I was happy to have an excuse to tell him to come down because I've been to a Vietnamese hospital and well, I'm pretty sure they're not any better out in the country.

The Second Conditional PART II

While reviewing the second conditional today I asked my students, "If animals could talk, would you still eat them?" Immediately a girl named Bach yelled out, "Of course." I said, "Really? Who else would still eat animals if they could talk?" 16 out of 18 hands went up in the air.

Monkeys....

I've had giant spiders, genius rats, hundreds of cockroaches, countless slug/worm things in my apartment over the last few months but at least I haven't had what my neighbor had in his apartment this morning.

At around 8AM today I went up to my roof to do a load of laundry. While up there I heard some rustling noises about fifty feet away and then saw a monkey jump out of a window. Tucked under his arm and grasped in the monkey's hand was some fruit. The monkey quickly climbed a pipe and scampered across a few rooftops.

From what I could deduce the apartment across the way had left their window open and the monkey saw/smelled a quick free lunch. The odd thing is this: THIS IS THE FIRST WILD MONKEY I'VE SEEN IN VIETNAM. In Cambodia the monkeys were everywhere. In Vietnam you see them quite often but they are always tied to a rope or in a cage--you know, the way God intended. This monkey was either someone's lost pet or had escaped from the zoo.

I quickly ran down two flights of steps to get my camera in hopes of capturing the monkey robbery but alas I missed out:

The Stolen Chicken Mystery

Last week I wrote about Huyen's stolen birds. Well, I've got good and bad news. Here's the good news: Huyen and Linh got two new birds. Here's the bad news, after just a couple of days one of the birds disappeared (this video was taken after one of the birds was gone...and before I knew there were supposed to be two birds in the cage).




Well, once again I've got good news and bad news. Here's the good news: the birds weren't stolen. Here's the bad news, a rat ate them. Turns out I'm not the only person with a rat problem. Huyen's roommate walked outside their apartment the other day and saw a rat chasing the bird. Apparently the rat had climbed up into the cage and eaten the other three birds -- two a couple weeks ago, one the other day. This one lone survivor somehow escaped:

Nightmares Comes True

Less than a week after Huyen found the gossip magazines in my room she started to wear this shirt:









Blogger: Ahoy Hanoi! - Create Post




Yeah, you're reading that right. The shirt says, "Baby Girl." Huyen told me her sister bought it for her as a present but I'm pretty sure she ripped out a page from the gossip magazines and had the local tailor knock her off a copy. I'm not sure if she'll wear the shirt again anytime soon since all night long I kept singing, "Baby Girl" by Bow Wow...or at least the two lines of the song that I know.

Salter Sisters Part III

The Salter Sisters are notoriously terrible emailers. You can write them and either hear right back from them or possibly not for two or three months. Well, a day after Lily left I sent her an email to see if she was alive. For those of you who don't recall, she was going for a trek in the jungles of Thailand. Lily isn't exactly "in shape" and was quite worried about surviving. Well, she hadn't left yet for her trek but wrote me right back. In her email she wrote this P.S.:

"PS: Anna's taxi driver got arrested on the way to the airport and she had to be driven there in a police car!!"

This obviously got my attention. I immediately wrote Lily to find out the details. After two weeks she finally wrote back:

"Re: Safe and sound?

Hey Ben, how are you? Sorry for the late reply- wouldnt want to break with the Salter tradition!!!

[BORING SECTION EDITED OUT]

Oh my trip back was SO CRAZY!!! We were about 5km from the airport when the taxi driver stopped the car and got out and then i saw him talking to police, so i assumed he had been speeding or something. But then he got oiut his wallet and went to give the cop some money who then slapped him (no joke, across the face)! and put him in the back of the cop car!!! So im like, 'oh shit, can i really walk the next 5km with all my bags?' but then the policeman came up to me and told me he would take me but put me IN THE BACK with the arrested taxi man who then demanded i pay him then and there!!!! haha it was seriously insane, and i got the weirdest looks at the airport being unloaded from the back of the police car! and i still have no idea what he did?!!!

[BORING SECTION EDITED OUT]"

Motoring

As all of you know, I love my motorbike. Few things give me more joy in Hanoi than cruising the streets here. Over the last week a few interesting things have happened while I was motoring:

1. A man nearly masturbated on to my arm. Yes, you read that right. I was driving close the sidewalk and saw a crazy man with his pants around his ankles pleasuring himself. There was a motorbike directly to my left so I couldn't back away from the curve. Luckily the timing was in my favor and he didn't finish on me as a I drove by...

2. My timing wasn't so great yesterday however. One thing you will notice if you come to Hanoi is that people throw their garbage into the street. They literally just toss it curbside where it is cleaned up during the night. It's actually amazing how well of a job the street cleaning crews do considering the roads are lined with trash by sunset. Well, yesterday I was riding down a pretty major street when WAM I was nailed by someone's garbage. The person had heaved it in the street a little to hard and it smack me in the side while going about 20KM an hour. I gave the woman a look and she just kind of shrugged and walked away.

3. While driving in the Old Quarter the other day I was directly behind an accident. A delivery motorbike collided with this Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy. The two bikes got wedged together and they fell over. Both guys were stuck under their bikes as their motors revved. Well, I did what I've seen everyone do in the few accidents I've witnessed. I stopped my bike in the middle of the road and ran over to the accident. I then lifted up the top bike and helped free the Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy underneath. While doing this the weight was enough for the Delivery Guy to get out himself. The Metro Purple-Pants wearing guy thanked me in Vietnamese and then promptly turned to the Delivery Guy and SMACKED him in the head. The Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy then got back on to his bike and drove away. Yeah, you can call me a hero if you want.

The point is, if you come to visit and borrow my spare helmet to ride on my bike, expect the unexpected.