The Second Conditional PART II

While reviewing the second conditional today I asked my students, "If animals could talk, would you still eat them?" Immediately a girl named Bach yelled out, "Of course." I said, "Really? Who else would still eat animals if they could talk?" 16 out of 18 hands went up in the air.

Monkeys....

I've had giant spiders, genius rats, hundreds of cockroaches, countless slug/worm things in my apartment over the last few months but at least I haven't had what my neighbor had in his apartment this morning.

At around 8AM today I went up to my roof to do a load of laundry. While up there I heard some rustling noises about fifty feet away and then saw a monkey jump out of a window. Tucked under his arm and grasped in the monkey's hand was some fruit. The monkey quickly climbed a pipe and scampered across a few rooftops.

From what I could deduce the apartment across the way had left their window open and the monkey saw/smelled a quick free lunch. The odd thing is this: THIS IS THE FIRST WILD MONKEY I'VE SEEN IN VIETNAM. In Cambodia the monkeys were everywhere. In Vietnam you see them quite often but they are always tied to a rope or in a cage--you know, the way God intended. This monkey was either someone's lost pet or had escaped from the zoo.

I quickly ran down two flights of steps to get my camera in hopes of capturing the monkey robbery but alas I missed out:

The Stolen Chicken Mystery

Last week I wrote about Huyen's stolen birds. Well, I've got good and bad news. Here's the good news: Huyen and Linh got two new birds. Here's the bad news, after just a couple of days one of the birds disappeared (this video was taken after one of the birds was gone...and before I knew there were supposed to be two birds in the cage).




Well, once again I've got good news and bad news. Here's the good news: the birds weren't stolen. Here's the bad news, a rat ate them. Turns out I'm not the only person with a rat problem. Huyen's roommate walked outside their apartment the other day and saw a rat chasing the bird. Apparently the rat had climbed up into the cage and eaten the other three birds -- two a couple weeks ago, one the other day. This one lone survivor somehow escaped:

Nightmares Comes True

Less than a week after Huyen found the gossip magazines in my room she started to wear this shirt:









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Yeah, you're reading that right. The shirt says, "Baby Girl." Huyen told me her sister bought it for her as a present but I'm pretty sure she ripped out a page from the gossip magazines and had the local tailor knock her off a copy. I'm not sure if she'll wear the shirt again anytime soon since all night long I kept singing, "Baby Girl" by Bow Wow...or at least the two lines of the song that I know.

Salter Sisters Part III

The Salter Sisters are notoriously terrible emailers. You can write them and either hear right back from them or possibly not for two or three months. Well, a day after Lily left I sent her an email to see if she was alive. For those of you who don't recall, she was going for a trek in the jungles of Thailand. Lily isn't exactly "in shape" and was quite worried about surviving. Well, she hadn't left yet for her trek but wrote me right back. In her email she wrote this P.S.:

"PS: Anna's taxi driver got arrested on the way to the airport and she had to be driven there in a police car!!"

This obviously got my attention. I immediately wrote Lily to find out the details. After two weeks she finally wrote back:

"Re: Safe and sound?

Hey Ben, how are you? Sorry for the late reply- wouldnt want to break with the Salter tradition!!!

[BORING SECTION EDITED OUT]

Oh my trip back was SO CRAZY!!! We were about 5km from the airport when the taxi driver stopped the car and got out and then i saw him talking to police, so i assumed he had been speeding or something. But then he got oiut his wallet and went to give the cop some money who then slapped him (no joke, across the face)! and put him in the back of the cop car!!! So im like, 'oh shit, can i really walk the next 5km with all my bags?' but then the policeman came up to me and told me he would take me but put me IN THE BACK with the arrested taxi man who then demanded i pay him then and there!!!! haha it was seriously insane, and i got the weirdest looks at the airport being unloaded from the back of the police car! and i still have no idea what he did?!!!

[BORING SECTION EDITED OUT]"

Motoring

As all of you know, I love my motorbike. Few things give me more joy in Hanoi than cruising the streets here. Over the last week a few interesting things have happened while I was motoring:

1. A man nearly masturbated on to my arm. Yes, you read that right. I was driving close the sidewalk and saw a crazy man with his pants around his ankles pleasuring himself. There was a motorbike directly to my left so I couldn't back away from the curve. Luckily the timing was in my favor and he didn't finish on me as a I drove by...

2. My timing wasn't so great yesterday however. One thing you will notice if you come to Hanoi is that people throw their garbage into the street. They literally just toss it curbside where it is cleaned up during the night. It's actually amazing how well of a job the street cleaning crews do considering the roads are lined with trash by sunset. Well, yesterday I was riding down a pretty major street when WAM I was nailed by someone's garbage. The person had heaved it in the street a little to hard and it smack me in the side while going about 20KM an hour. I gave the woman a look and she just kind of shrugged and walked away.

3. While driving in the Old Quarter the other day I was directly behind an accident. A delivery motorbike collided with this Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy. The two bikes got wedged together and they fell over. Both guys were stuck under their bikes as their motors revved. Well, I did what I've seen everyone do in the few accidents I've witnessed. I stopped my bike in the middle of the road and ran over to the accident. I then lifted up the top bike and helped free the Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy underneath. While doing this the weight was enough for the Delivery Guy to get out himself. The Metro Purple-Pants wearing guy thanked me in Vietnamese and then promptly turned to the Delivery Guy and SMACKED him in the head. The Metro Purple-Pants Wearing Guy then got back on to his bike and drove away. Yeah, you can call me a hero if you want.

The point is, if you come to visit and borrow my spare helmet to ride on my bike, expect the unexpected.

The Second Conditional

Tonight I taught the second conditional to my Pre-Intermediate 3 Teenager Class. If you don't know what the second conditional is don't feel bad -- I taught myself the second conditional about fifteen minutes before class started.

Basically the second conditional is this simple formula:

IF + subject + past simple, Subject + would + infinitive verb....

After I teach a grammar point I always ask my students to think up a sentence using that grammar point. I then go around the class to make sure everyone understands what we just learned. Well, here were the first three examples I got from my students:

1. If I (subject) had (past simple) a gun, I (subject) would kill (infinitive verb) everyone here.

2. If I (subject) were (past simple) you, I (subject) would kill (infinitive verb) myself.

3. If I (subject) had (past simple) an army, I (subject) would destroy (infinitive verb) America.

Yes, each one of these answers in America would surely lead to expulsion/police surveillance/heavy psych medications. However here all the other students just think it's hilarious. I laughed too but it was definitely a nervous laughter.

I did feel a little more at ease a few minutes later when the student who said #3 answered the question, "If you could live anywhere, where would you live?" with this response: "If I could live anywhere, I would live in the White House." This made me think he didn't hate America/Americans that badly....although as I'm typing this it occurs to me that he'd probably live there after he destroyed America.