Motorbikes and Massages

(PICTURE: Me on my bike in Da Nang) 

This morning I bought two helmets: one for me and one for you. Yup, you, my future visitor. One helmet is maroon and the other is black. You can choose which you want. 

After purchasing the helmets, Steve, Ryan and I drove around Ha Noi for a few hours. I thought the best way to get used to the city was just to get lost in it. We ended up going around the largest lake in Ha Noi and finding a great breakfast spot for American breakfast. On the way back towards my house I nearly got into my first accident. I was making a right turn and some punk and his girlfriend/sister was making a left onto the street I was on. We both slammed on our brakes, smiled at each other and drove off. We were probably lucky not to hit each other but even if we did I would have been fine with my new solid Honda bike helmet. 

This afternoon we all decided to get massages. We went to a  place called, "Just Massages" in some alley in my neighborhood. It's a pretty famous place because it gives seeing impaired people jobs as masseuses. This may sound familiar since I blogged in Shanghai about a famous "blind masseuse." Well, apparently they are everywhere and I'm 99% sure that none of the employees are actually blind. Okay, that's not totally true since when I was waiting for my massage in the lobby a woman literally walked into me and slammed her elbow into my head. Standing behind her was some guy who motioned to me that she couldn't see. That said, the guy who gave me a massage (yes, a guy...no jokes Hannah) had perfect vision. He also had a love of dishing out pain. I asked for a shiatsu massage rather than a Swedish one because my back has been killing me. Well the guy proceeded to torture me for an hour. Some of the worst moments were when:

a) he pulled my hair for literally 10 minutes

b) he punched me in the back about fifty times

c) he gave me an indian burn on my ears

d) he found/pushed/elbowed every pressure point in my body

e) he gave each one of my fingers an indian burn

f) he pushed my eye-sockets backwards

g) he stretched me in positions that even yoga masters couldn't do

Anyway, I'm 99% sure I'm going to have a dozen black and blue marks tomorrow but my back is actually feeling pretty good. 

Off to dinner in a bit...

The Tickle Bug

(PHOTO: Ryan and I introducing Hien to the tickle bug)

I awoke yesterday morning with a text message from Hien: "I miss traveling." Well, Ryan and I miss having Hien traveling with us...and not just because she translates everything for us. 

Motorbike, Happy Birthday and Congratulations...

(PICTURE: Ryan and Steve -- yes, he is always shirtless -- in my room prior to buying my new, slightly less ugly sheets)

After much deliberation and many different opinions, I've decided to rent a motorbike for the month before buying one. A lot of locals last night were encouraging me to buy this old Belarus bike called a Minsk. Apparently any mechanic can repair them and they are also dirt cheap. That said, I've been riding around Vietnam on Honda Waves for the last couple weeks. The Wave is light, easy to ride and is probably the most popular bike in Vietnam which means it can also be fixed by any mechanic. It also makes me look pretty damn awesome. 

Steve also decided to rent a bike for the month and he too got a wave. Upon leaving the rental place Steve wasted no time in getting into an accident...with a parked motorbike. I picked up Pallavi (my new flatmate) and drove the two of us back to our house. I quickly realized that driving two people is WAY harder than just driving one. I switched the bike into third gear, dodged thousands of cars and other motorbikes and somehow made it back to the place without a scratch. I figure if I can survive driving in the worst part of town (the Old Quarter) with someone on my bike, during rush hour, I'll be okay.  Oh, Steve and the bike are fine for those who care.

Just want to wish Alex a happy birthday. Welcome to old age, my friend. We're almost at that age where one might grow some grey hairs...

That said, our good buddy Jed decided to upstage our birthdays by proposing last night to his long time girlfriend and fellow Orange Lena. For some reason she accepted. I have a big suspicion that she thinks lastnightsgarbage.com is going to be the next google and is trying to get in on that. Anyway, congrats Jed and Lena! 

Ahoy Hanoi!

 84 days, 4 countries, over two dozen cities, countless sketchy meals, two heat rashes, one haircut, twice being called an Osama Bin Laden look-a-like, 10 brushes with death along Vietnamese and Cambodian roads, multiple shark sightings, over fifty hours on buses, a baker's dozen flights, countless new friends, a new cell phone, four potential future Mrs. Augusts, 60+ blog entries, two private karaoke sessions, one eaten goat's brain, one eaten bat, 9 eaten frogs, a billion red hot chilis, 10+ hours of Vietnamese classes, 30+ hours of teaching Vietnamese kids, one night sleeping on bamboo above jumping fish, one dog bite, one soccer match, 14 mosquito bites (with no malaria pills), two cockroaches landing in my hair, two nights of sleeping on a filthy bus (including last night when a woman literally had her kid take a whiz on the floor under my bed), 1+ containers of Gold Bond, twice being caught in a monsoon while on motorbikes, miles of walking with a 80+ pounds of luggage, 6 read books, one heartbreaking hockey playoff series, a trimester for Kathy and Zev, one de-plucked chicken, one free ride in Beijing from a stranger I met on a plane, a hundred offers of drugs and sex on the streets, one world championship of Ping Pong, one new suit, 50+ comments on my blog from my  mother, over a thousand emails from friends (and dozens of offers from strangers who want me to buy Viagra), 1500 photographs, two new pants, four new shirts, one awkward date, three days of scuba diving, and one birthday later, I'm officially in Hanoi. Ahoy Hanoi! 

Steve Is A Much Better Blogger Than Me

I shouldn't have given out Steve's blog site since he's clearly a better blogger than I am. He updates his blog every single day, has more pictures than I do and even stole my #1 fan--my mother. My mom emailed me this morning raving about Steve's blog. What the hell! 

For those of you who haven't seen this picture yet on Steve's blog, this is from last night. Steve said hi to a few girls while we were walking along the Perfume River and then I began to practice my Vietnamese with them. They barely spoke English and we barely speak Vietnamese so it made for a really fascinating conversation. Mid "conversation" I interrupted one of the girls and said, "WHOOOAAAH! Does you're shirt say 'I love cumming?'" Indeed that is what the shirt said.  The girl didn't understand my question and frankly had no idea that her shirt was a lude, sexual reference. We asked to take pictures with her and she was more than happy to oblige thinking her shirt just said something really really clever. Anyway, we had to quickly leave the girls to meet some British girls for dinner (yeah, I know, boring. Who hangs out with Brits while in Asia?). We said goodbye to the four locals and did what any rational man would do after meeting a girl who wears a "I Love Cumming" shirt--we asked her and her friends to coffee today.

Besides being an utterly ridiculous story, this just goes to illustrate my point from the previous blog that some people out here can speak English but can't read or write. In this case, the girl couldn't speak, read or write. 

The Future Mrs. August III: My First Date

(PICTURE: Thuy cutting right to the chase)

It finally happened--I had my first date with a local girl. I met Thuy where I usually meet girls --not the internet -- at a tailor shop. She asked me to buy a suit and I said, "no. I just want a shirt." Behind her look of disappointment was something else, the look of love at first site. 

Thuy is a sweet 26 year old girl whose family owns Peace tailor shop in Hoi An. Immediately upon her measuring me with a ruler I knew I would eventually have to ask her out; she was the first girl ever to look impressed after holding a ruler up to me. 

Despite only ordering a couple t-shirts from the tailor shop, I kept finding myself meandering into the store to talk to Thuy and her sisters/cousins. In between the girls asking me over and over to order a suit, I found out that Thuy was single. I also found out a few other things from her cousin:

1. Her cousin dated her now husband for 2 1/2 months before she kissed him. 

2. Her cousin didn't sleep with her husband until they were married. 

3. Most girls, at least the girls in the shop and some others I've talked to, have only had one boyfriend their whole lives. They meet someone, date them and marry them. No playing the field.

4. Thuy has NEVER had a boyfriend which probably means she's never kissed a guy. AWESOME!

Thuy asked to look at my cell phone and I told her to take my number. She immediately called me so I would have her number too and then I promptly texted her, "What time should we come over for dinner with your family?" Thuy thought it was funny (and probably weird) and wrote me back an hour later, "Sorry my mum busy." I then saw my golden opportunity and asked her to breakfast.  Game on! 

The next morning I woke up at 5AM feeling excited about my date...and since I've been waking up at 5AM every day for some reason. I had time to burn so I went online to see what the Bruins score was...and it wasn't good. By the time I was ready to leave for my date the Bruins had lost 5-0. It was probably a sign that it was going to be a rough morning. 

I picked Thuy up at her shop and we walked next door to a cafe so we could be near the store if her cousins/sisters need her. Thuy started to look at the menu and said to me, "This is the first time I ever eat a Western breakfast." This may seems shocking but really the more you travel in Vietnam outside of the major cities the more you realize every hotel and bar is basically for tourists only. It also wasn't shocking since Thuy has never left a 20 mile radius of her home. Yes, the farthest she has ever gone IN HER LIFE was to Da Nang just thirty kilometers north. (This is amazing to me and is very very common here. Kalak, see "The Future Mrs. August II" had never been to the bottom of the mountain she lived on!). Well, I told Thuy we could go somewhere else if she wanted but she wanted to try the breakfast. In truth I was slightly disappointed because I already prefer eating beef pho for breakfast than traditional American breakfast. Anyway, I started to skim through the menu when I noticed that Thuy wasn't really looking at her menu. It then occurred to me--she can't read. Like many people who deal with tourists in Asia, Thuy can speak quite well but can't read a word. I then promptly began to read her some breakfast choices and she told me to "choose for her." I ordered two different types of omelets that both sounded good to me...and I thought she might like. 

As we waited for the food and I began to sip on a carbonated water (they brought me the wrong drink but I didn't want to complain) I saw Thuy's cousin run out from the shop and frantically wave over at us. I pointed out her cousin to Thuy and she told me she'd be right back. She got up from the table and sprinted over to Peace. I waited patiently for her to come back...and then waited some more...and then some more...and then some more. About ten minutes passed before I thought, "This couldn't be any worse." Well just then this drunk a-hole strolls into the cafe, sits down with some friends and basically screams, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. MY TEAM JUST WON GAME 7." The dick was a Montreal Canadians fan. I then had to listen as he recapped the whole series to his friends who clearly couldn't care. It was torture. What was even more torturous was that the food arrived and I was starving. I tried to wait for Thuy but my stomach was growling and I wasn't sure if she was coming back. So I did what any gentleman would do--I cut both our omelets in half and split them on the plates. I figured Thuy would want to try both omelets...and I really wanted some of each.  After staring at the food for another few minutes I texted Ryan who was nearby making a call to his parents: "Want an omelet? I have an extra." Ryan didn't write back so I started to eat. I finished my plate and was about to eat Thuy's too when she ran out of the shop and back to the cafe. She apologized, sat down, and with a look of utter confusion/puzzlement/wonder looked at her plate and inspected the two omelets as if there were some strange foreign substance in front of her. Her expression was how I felt I looked whenever I saw cockroaches on sticks on China. Thuy stabbed the omelet with a knife, tasted a tiny little piece and said to me, "You can have half of mine." She gave me the mushroom and cheese omelet and told me, "This one would make me fat." Man, girls are the same everywhere. 

Shop Till You Drop!

(PICTURE: Getting my foot measured for my custom made shoes.)

Two nights ago Ryan, Steve and I took an eleven hour sleeping bus from Nha Trang to Hoi An. I use the word "sleeping" very loosely when talking about the bus since we were jostled back and forth at every turn and the bus honked its ear-drum shattering horn every time it passed a motorbike or car. After stealing a few hours of sleep we arrived in Hoi An at 6AM and checked into the first hotel that we were harassed to stay at.

Hoi An is a really small city but packed within it are over 400 tailor shops. Basically you can walk into any shop, point at a picture from a magazine and the tailor will make you an exact copy with whatever fabric you choose. Because this is my birthday week (and I'm going to need some nice clothes to teach in) I decided to splurge and gave myself a budget of $250. Well, $250 goes a long way and thus far I've bought:

1. A brand new suit and shirt

2. Linen Pants. Yeah, I don't know why since I've never liked or owned linen pants.

3. Two shirts in the style of my favorite button down shirt (two big breast pockets and lapels)

4. Handmade black dress moccasins.

5. A pair or slacks. 

Well, shopping is exhausting. I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about all these years. Somehow I managed to stay awake the hole day but not everyone was as fortunate. At dinner Song began to nod off and had to take a walk. The fresh river air didn't wake him up because when we went to drinks he proceeded to pass out every ten seconds. I've got about ten videos of him nodding off but unfortunately whenever I try and upload them some message comes up in Vietnamese. The only words I recognize are the first two, "Xin Loi." It means sorry. Clearly something isn't working with the video. Hopefully I can figure out the problem so everyone can enjoy me dancing over a sleeping Song. 

Off to pick up some clothes!